Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 8, 1999
Tickle-Me-Elmo A woman, desperate for work, applies for a job. The manager goes over her impressive resume but explains that they have nothing worthy of her background. The distraught woman pleads she will take anything. The manager is sympathetic. She is offered a low-skilled job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo assembly line. Her duties are explained and she is to start the next day. Not even an hour into her first day on the job, there's a frantic knock on the manager's door. The foreman is crazed and drags the manager to the assembly line. Sure enough, things are a royal mess. Elmos are piling up everywhere. At the end of the line is the new worker. She has a bolt of fabric and a large box of marbles. They are both stunned. They watch as she fashions a small bag, inserts two marbles and sews it between Elmo's legs. Eventually the manager understands what has happened. "Dear woman you misunderstood me yesterday. I just want you to give each Elmo two test tickles."
collection of very bad music related jokes: (page 1 of 3)Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. . Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf? A: Principal. Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder. Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower.Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two are just hallucinations.Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax? A: Add vibrato. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems. Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can't march. Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead? A: One.Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? A: Skid marks in front of the snake. Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground? A: They don't know how to use the slide. Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he's going to do it too loud. Q: How do you contact a baritone player? A: You-phone-`em. Q: What's the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm. Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba? A: About five yards. Q: What's a tuba for? A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2". Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer. collection of very bad music related jokes: (page 2 of 3)Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. (They have machines to do that now.) Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door? A: He rushes. Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? A: Drool. Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone? A: A harpist tuning unison strings. Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening? A: They rarely strike the same spot twice. Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving. Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate. Q: Why are violins smaller than violas? A: They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist? A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play. Q: What do violists use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door? A: No one knows when to come in.Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common? A: Both screw up Boeings. Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola? A: The cello burns longer. Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. Whenhe arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving...., he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugsare big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for thebathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "Ify ou shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's *their* deer!" So... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer, lady... It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!"