A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 8, 1999


Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt--Candidate B is Winston Churchill--Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Rich Pawlish, Pleasanty Unity, PA

The scene: a posh bar, velvet draperies, pianist playing a soft jazz inthe background. A patron orders a cognac. The waiters brings him one and,no sooner has he left the drink on the man's table that a little monkeyruns from one end of the bar, jumps on the table, dips his tail into theman's cognac and leaves as quickly as he appeared.-- "Strange..." thinks the man. "This is quite unexpected. It's actuallysort of funny. No big deal. I'll just order another one." So, he orders another cognac. Almost immediately, the monkey comes backin a flash, dips his tail and runs away.-- "Well, once is barely funny. Twice is wearing thin on my sense of humor." Still, he decides to order another one anyway. Of course, as soon as thewaiter leaves the table, the same thing happens again. Angrily, the mangets up and walks to the pianist, who was playing lazily next to him andsays:-- "Do you know the little monkey who dips his tail in my cognac?"-- "Why, no." Says the pianist. "But if you hum me a few bars I can play itfor you."

Fabrice Guerini, Palo Alto, CA

Secretary of Agriculture
Washington DC Dear Mr Secretary,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour inkeeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would justas gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on themwas four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got yourcheck for not raising any. If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get twothousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on asmall scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs notraised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now,another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousanddollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising andwheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want toget started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the yearnot to raise hogs or grain. Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please sendme information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and foodstamps.

Patriotically Yours,I. M. Cheap

Fabrice Guerini, Palo Alto, CA

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . . . . but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Rich Pawlish, Pleasanty Unity, PA

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