Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 8, 1999
WORLD LEADER TEST--
The scene: a posh bar, velvet draperies, pianist playing a soft jazz inthe background. A patron orders a cognac. The waiters brings him one and,no sooner has he left the drink on the man's table that a little monkeyruns from one end of the bar, jumps on the table, dips his tail into theman's cognac and leaves as quickly as he appeared.-- "Strange..." thinks the man. "This is quite unexpected. It's actuallysort of funny. No big deal. I'll just order another one." So, he orders another cognac. Almost immediately, the monkey comes backin a flash, dips his tail and runs away.-- "Well, once is barely funny. Twice is wearing thin on my sense of humor." Still, he decides to order another one anyway. Of course, as soon as thewaiter leaves the table, the same thing happens again. Angrily, the mangets up and walks to the pianist, who was playing lazily next to him andsays:-- "Do you know the little monkey who dips his tail in my cognac?"-- "Why, no." Says the pianist. "But if you hum me a few bars I can play itfor you."
Secretary of Agriculture
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . . . . but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.