Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 8, 1999
This is more of a trick/tease/riddle joke...say silk 5 times fast.then say, "What do cows drink?" When they answer milk - remind them cows drink water and give milk!
What did the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the lawnmower? It won't be long now.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it beginsto rain.
A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the man -- clearly an eccentric -- hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day when she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window. It's raining like heck out there!"Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill both of us!" Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside, he found himself in the middle of a marathon race. . . so he started running alongside the others - only he was still nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answerred, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." Another runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can immediately get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" A third runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."T
Duck walks into a drugstore. Says to the clerk, "Give me a chapstick, and put it on my bill."
A teacher told the students in her class to bring in a symbol of their religion for show and tell. The first student said "I'm a Catholic and this is a Crucifix".The second student said "I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David".The third student said "I'm a Lutheran and this is a casserole".p>
What's another name for a bathroom scale?A fitness witness.
His mother had scrubbed floors to send him through college, and he felt he could never adequately repay her. Now a successful businessman, sent her gifts from all over the world. While traveling in South America, he found a parrot that could speak six languages and recite long passages from Shakespeare. He knew his mother would love such a bird, and paid $14,000 for it.When he got back to the States, he phoned his mother. "How about that bird I sent you?" he asked."Thank you so much;," his mother said "It was delicious."
A frog named Jagger wants to borrow some money so he canbuy a sailboat to go around the world. The frog goesto the bank and is directed to the Loan Department wherehe's greeted by Loan Officer Ms. Patricia Wack. Sheinterviews the frog, making a list of his salary and other assets. "What kind of collateral do you have to offer for such a big loan?", she asks.The frog reaches into his pouch and pulls out a pinkceramic elephant. He sets the elephant on the deskproudly. Seeing the loan officer's puzzled look, thefrog says, "If it's of any help, my father knows the manager here."Patricia says, "Excuse me." She takes the elephant and leaves to look for the manager. When she finally findshim, she tells him, "There's a frog out there who wants a big loan to buy a sailboat so he can travel around the world. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant. He claims he knows you. What is this elephant and what is this all about??!!"The manager takes the pink ceramic elephant from herand replies, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog his loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone!"
Your mama's armpit's so hairy, she looks like she got Don King in a headlock!
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. They tell their stories to St. Peter and sit down on a bench to wait. The priest is feeling pretty confident and thinks to himself - finally I'll get my reward for a lifetime of service to others. The taxi driver just sits there fidgeting. Finally, they're called back. St. Peter hands the taxi driver a golden halo, a gleaming white robe, and a beautiful harp. So the priest is thinking, "Wow, and he's just a taxi driver", but his heart sinks when he's given a frayed nylon robe and a beat-up flute. Seeing the priest's disappointment, St. Peter explained: "We work strictly on results here. When you preached, people fell asleep. When he drove, they prayed."