Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 8, 1999
TITANIC & CLINTON VIDEO COMPARISONSTitanic Video: $9.99 on the Internet.Clinton Video: $9.99 on the Internet.Titanic Video: Over 3 hours longClinton Video: Over 3 hours long.Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.Titanic Video: Villain: White Star LineClinton Video: Villain: Ken Starr.Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist.Clinton Video: Bill is a B.S. artist. Titanic Video: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.Clinton Video: Ditto for Bill.Titanic Video: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.Clinton Video: Ditto for Monica.Titanic Viceo: Jack teaches Rose to spit.Clinton Video: Let's not go there.Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelryClinton Video: Monica's forced to return her gifts.Titanic Video: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DeCaprio is wildly popular.Clinton Video: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.Titanic Video: Jack surrenders to an icy death.Clinton Video: Bill goes home to Hillary.
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here . . . where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up yonder in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist . . . what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Jerry Falwell amd Bill Clinton were seated next to each other on a recent airplane flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The president asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked Mr. Falwell if he too would like a drink. Mr. Fallwell replied in disgust, "Madam, I'd rather be savagely raped and beaten by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips!"Hearing that, the President handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize there was a choice. I'll have what he's having."
How to Impress a Woman: Compliment her, Cuddle Her, Kiss her, Caress her, Love her,Stroke her, Tease her, Comfort her, Protect her, Hug her, Hold her, Spend money on her, Wine & dine her, Listen to her, Care for her, Stand by her, Support her, Go to the ends of the earth for her . . . .How to Impress a man: Come naked. Bring beer.
You know you're a bonafide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
What's round at the bottom, pointed at the top, and has ears?I dunno, what?A mountain.A mountain? With ears?Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?
:What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
Once there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 50 years loved him dearly, but she could no longer handle him. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing homeAt the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. The man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then, the old fellow started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked over to him and askeld, "How do you like the place so far?""It's okay," he said, "but they won't let me fart!"
Three guys die in a plane accident and find themselves standing in front of St. Peter, who is overseeing a giant car lot.St. Peter says to the first guy, "Were you faithful to your wife?"The guy says no, and St. Peter asks how many times he was unfaithful. The guy says he lost count. He was unfaithful 500 times, maybe. Could be as many as 1,000 times. St. Peter looks on the board behind him -- it's full of car keys -- and gives the guy the keys to a 1977 Dodge Dart. The guy drives off.St. Peter repeats the question to the second guy: "Were you faithful to your wife?"The guy says no, but tells St. Peter he was only unfaithful twice in more than 30 years of marriage. St. Peter gives the guy keys to an 96 Buick Riviera and the guy drives off.Before St. Peter can ask, the third guy tells him that he was never unfaithful in 50 years of marriage.St. Peter smiles, congratulates him and gives him the keys to a new Ferrari.The three guys drive around heaven for awhile, until the first two break down by the side of the road. They get out of their cars and talk to each other until their friend pulls up in the Ferrari. When they approach him, they see that he's in tears, despondent. "What's the matter?" the first guy says. "You got the best car. You should be happy." "I just passed my wife," the guy says. "She's driving a 72 Pinto."
Knock, knock.Who's there?Rude interrupting sheep.Rude interrup--BAAAAAAAA!
The '90s princess and the frog: A fairy tale(original source unknown)Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.
What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?H omeless.
That Viagara sure is powerful stuff. I took one swig, and my neck was stiff for a week! So I dumped the rest down the drain, and now I have hard water.
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're a dog, ain't you?""Sure am," says the dog."Yeah, well, we don't serve dogs in here," says the bartender, and he pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the foot. The dog howls with pain and limps away.The next day, the doors of the bar swing open and the dog is standing therewearing a ten-gallon hat and a brace of pistols. He strides into the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man what shot my paw."
Did you hear about the new personality improvement pill? It makes you feel wonderful, but has the side effect of rendering you incapable of writing or appreciating poetry.It's acalled "Prosaiac" (Pronounced: pro-ZAY-ak)
One day Ole drops dead. Lena is really upset, and finally goes to see a psychic. The psychic dims the lights and peers into her crystal ball. "I'm trying to contact the spirit of Ole Swensen," she chants. "Ole Swensen, I summon you forth. . . ." The wind ruffles the curtains, the candles flicker, and there's a quiet voice. "Yes?" says the voice. "Who's calling me?"Lena can't believe her ears. "Ole!?" she gasps. "Is that you?""It sure is, honey," says the voice. "How are you?""Oh, I'm fine, Ole, but. . . how are you? Is it, uh, warm where you are?""Oh, it's very nice here," says Ole. "But it's not what I expected.""Not what you expected, dear? What do you mean? What's it like?""Well, let's see. . . I get up in the morning, have something to eat, and have sex. Then I walk around a little bit and have some more sex. Then I take a nap, have sex, and eat lunch. After lunch, I walk around some more, have sex, take another nap, have sex again, and then it's time for dinner. Then after dinner, I'll have sex and then it's bed time."There's a long pause. "Gee, Ole," Lena says finally, "that's not at all what I thought heaven was going to be like!"Ole replies, "Who said anything about heaven? I'm a bull in Wyoming!"
(I don't know where this one comes from originally, but I learned it from a priest who used it in a sermon.)A deacon, a priest, and a bishop are about to be executed, and are each allowed one last request.The deacon says, "I'd like a really good meal. Shrimp, steak, all the fixings, a bottle of fine wine...."The bishop, appalled at this shameless display of self-indulgence and gluttony, says, "I'd like to give one last sermon: wrap up all the thinking and teaching I've been doing over the past forty years, tie up the loose ends, make all the points I've never quite had time to make before...."And the priest says, "I'd like to be shot before the bishop starts his sermon, please."
Bill, Hillary, Monica and Chelsea were flying in Air Force One. Bill, looking out the window, nudges Chelsea and says, "I could throw a thousand dollar bill out the window and make some guy down there very happy!" Hillary, obviously unimpressed says, "So, I could throw 2 five hundred dollars bills down there and make 2 people really happy." Monica hears this and says, "Big deal, I could throw out 10 one hundred dollar bills and make a hundred people happy." Chelsea looks up from her book and says, "Yeah, well I could throw all 3 of you out of this plane and make the whole damn country happy!"
Farmer Carl wakes up and looks outside his window - there on his property he sees a dozen penguins - he can't believe his eyes and runs over to his neighbor and asks: "Hey, John, do you see what I see?" "Well, a dozen penguins on your land ..." "Gosh, what am I gonna do with them?""Well, I think it's best when you take them to the zoo"Next morning John wakes up and looks outside the window - and he sees a dozen penguins on his neighbor's land - he runs over and asks him:"Hey, Carl, what is this I see? A dozen penguins on your land, and they're all wearing a bathing cap. I thought you took them to the zoo."Well, John, that was yesterday. Today I take them to an indoor pool".
An old geezer went up to the pharmacist and asked in an embarassed whisper for some Viagra."No problem," said the pharmacist, "How many do you want?""Just a few," said the geezer, "Maybe 5 or six...and could you cut them into quarters?""Well that won't do you much good," said the pharmacist.The geezer replied, "That's Okay. I'm over 80, and my wife's dead. I just need it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your front step?Matt.What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?Art.What do you call a cow with no arms and no legs?Ground beef.
Q: What is the differnce between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anybody can roast beef.
A man driving down a rural road hits a rabbit. Being a soft-hearted guy, he stops and gets out to see if it is ok. It is dead, and he is very upset. Just then a pink Cadillac pulls up and this lady gets out. "What happened?" she asks. "I hit this rabbit. It's dead." "Wait a minute," she says and goes to her trunk and comes back with an aerosol can. She sprays the rabbit with the can, and to the man's amazement it opens its eyes, twitches, and gets up. It looks and them and runs about 10 yards into a field, turns around an gives them a wave. Runs about 10 more yards and turns and waves again. It keeps doing this until it is out of site. "That's amazing," said the man. "What is that stuff?" "This is Mary Kay's hare restorer with a permanent wave."
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant in Portland, Oregon, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequatewhile Joe maintained that it was surprisingly high."I'll tell you what," said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do. Okay?" They agreed, but once he'd left, Joe called the waitress over."When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's five bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he started, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of xsquared is?"The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "um, one third x cubed?"Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and an irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."