FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW|
Bad Jokes...and Very Bad Jokes
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
What is Superman's favorite entree at the upscale Metropolis Cafe?
Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring
river because the land was so flat there.
One day a bear walked into a bar and said I wan't a Budwiser Beer and
the bartender said, "this is Bill Bo Bobs bar in Billings Montana and
we dont serve beers to bears." Then the bear said, " If you don't give
me a beer I'll eat that woman over there." Bill said, "sorry Mr. bear
but no beer." So he went and mauled that woman and ate her. "Now give
me my beer or I'll eat you to." "Sorry Mr. Bear no-can-do and I'm calling
drug control." "why's that?",said the bear. " because that was a bar-bitch-you-ate
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
What happened to the employee that fell into the vat of gum?
Q: What do you get if you cross a puppy with a car?
It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well,
and this guy was ready to go back. The airport, on the other end, had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Patient:I pass gas all the time.I bet I've done it twenty times since
I came into your office.There's no sound though and no smell either!
Doctor:Take this medicine & return in 2 weeks. 2 weeks later,Patient:Well,Doc,I'm
still doing it,but now it stinks very badly,still no sound.Doctor:Well,now
that weve cleared up your sinuses we'll work on your hearing.
What do you get when you cross a canary with a lawnmower?
Did you hear about the guy that fell into the lens grinding machine?
What's Smokey the Bear's middle name?
A multi-billionaire was very interested in exotic animals and had a
large menagerie in his garden. One day he decided to buy a hippopotamus.
A few days later, he calls his sister up and he says, "Sis, this hippopotamus
is so great! He's docile, well-behaved, and very sweet!" A month later,
the billionaire's sister calls. "So how're things going with the hippo?"
she asks. "Oh, terrible. That hippo is such a horrible animal!" the
billionaire replies. "He trampled all of my rhododendrens this morning
and has made an absolute mess of my garden and his pool!" To which his
sister replies, "Bro, you shouldn't be so hippo-critical."
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
What did the hen say when she looked in the kitchen window and saw a
plate of scrambled eggs?
How do you put an elephant in a refrigator? You open the door and put
the elephant in.
An ER Doctor comes out to the waiting room to give a Golf Fanatic Husband
some bad news:
Picture an old western town. Into the saloon walks a talking dog. He
goes to the barkeep and says, "I want me a smoothe wisky, woof." he
is ignored. He repeats, "I want me a smooth wisky, woof, woof." The
barkeep says, "We don't serve no talkin' dogs here." The dog pounds
the counter and says, "I want me a shot of smooth wisky, woof, woof,
woof!" the room goes quite. From across the room a man wearing black
stands up from his poker game and says, "you heard the gent, DOG, get
on outta here." The dog just stares at him and says, "I want me a shot
of smooth wisky, woof, woof, woof, woof!" The man in black says, "All
right dog, you asked for it!" His hands move lightning quick, there's
a bang and a flash, the smell of burnt fur, and the dog, yelping to
himself, limps out of the bar. "I reckon that's the last we'll see of
that there talking dog," smirks the man in black.
A male fly crawls into a pub, where they have piles of dung next to
the bar for flies to sit on while drinking. He spots a cute female fly
sitting on one of the dung piles, next to an unoccupied dung pile. He
sidles over to where the female is sitting, points to the unoccupied
pile and asks, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"
The Russians and the United States were contending about which country
would rule the world. They decided to have a dog fight in order to choose.
They had five years in which to prepare. The Russians inter-bred several
vicious breeds including a weimaramer, pit bull, rotweiller and a German
shepherd. A truly mean dog emerged after the five years, and the Russians
were confident and ready to take on the U.S.'s dog.
A husband knew his wife was having an affair with another man but could
never prove it. One day he left work early and to try to catch her in
the act. Just then his wife and her lover were undressing each other
in the living room and luckily happened to notice the husband walking
towards their apartment building. The husband got in the elevator and
rode up to the 50th floor and as the doors opened he saw his naked wife
pushing a naked man out of their apartment door.
A horse walks (trots, gallops, canters?) into a bar.
What do you call two lepers in a hot tub?
I was driving to work the other day, when I saw a cute liitle rabbit
on the side of the road. Unfortunately, the rabbit wanted to get a closer
look at the car and ran under it. I immediately pulled over and ran
over to the rabbit, who was quivering and gasping for air. I ran back
to my car to see if I had any first aid supplies to help this poor little
rabbit. I noticed a spray can in the back seat, grabbed it and rushed
back to the rabbit. I quickly sprayed the rabbit,and, amazingly enough,
it got up and hopped away.
"I doubt that Bush will do much to curb government spending, but the
frugal Gore may."
I went to the Doctor's with a sore knee. The Doc says "It's just old
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour
of thunder and rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in
the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing
and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
Q)What does a new York pizza say?
Did you hear about the religious moth who gave up woolens for Lint ?
What did the duck say to the cashier when he didn't have any money?
Did you know that they recently proved that diarrhea is hereditary-it
goes through your GENES.
What's white and crawls up your leg?
Why are the all pilgrams buried in Massachussetts?
A bum walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep, give
me a bottle of scotch, a quart of gin, a fifth of brandy and a six pack
A woman boards a train in Ireland. She is carrying a small, fluffy little
dog, and proceeds to sit down and place the dog in the seat next to
her. The train fills up quickly, with many people unable to find a seat.
Finally, just before the train leaves, an American gets on. He sees
the dog in the seat and asks the lady to hold it so he can sit down.
She refuses, saying the dog is a highly-pedegreed show dog. The man
asks again, a little more strongly. Again, the woman refuses. Things
go on this way for a while, until finally the man picks up the dog,
opens the window, and throws it out. He sits down calmly as the woman
begins to shriek and pound him with her fists. An old Irishman across
the way leans over and says to the man: "Ah, ya foolish Yanks. Ye do
everythin' backwards. Not only do ye drive on the wrong side of the
road but ye just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
Do you know the difference between a gerbil and a hamster?
It was the annual dart competition at Valhalla, all sorts of warriors
were there. The finals involved Ghengas Kahn and Hannibal. It was Hannibal's
turn he threw his first dart "double 20" the score keeper called. The
second, "double twenty" called the score keeper again. Hannibal took
aim and threw his final dart, unfortunatly he hit the wire makeing the
dart fly off in the direction of an unfortunate man named Atilla killing
him instantly. In the silence that followed the score keeper's voice
was heard to say "one-HUN-dead, and eighty"
What's Dracula's least favorite restaurant??
Well, you know what the spider said.
How many Vikings does it take to light a candle?
Why did the detective have a copy of the periodic table of the elements?
Think about the old McDonald's ad about two all beef patties when reading
Two guys are out fishing in the wilderness on a blazing hot summer afternoon.
Eventually, they decide to take off their socks and shoes and wade into
the stream, so that they can cool off. Just after they do this, a huge
grizzly bear appears on the opposite bank of the stream. The bear takes
one look at the two fishermen and instantly charges. Naturally, both
men immediately rush for the shore. Both men reach the shore at the
same time, but one of them immediately stops to grab his shoes. His
friend, still running, yells "What are you doing? Those shoes won't
help you outrun the bear!" The first fisherman replies, "It isn't the
BEAR I have to outrun!"
Why is a subtle remark like an Italian suppository?
Why did the kangaroo cross the road?
A guy walks into a bar and says ouch! -
To be told in succession -
A man his speaking with his psychiatrist and says-
Q: what do you call a deer with no eyes?
I've got an additional line to add to Ken Polkowski's joke in the "Bad,
Very Bad" category:
two guy's walked into a bar...
What goes up one color but comes down two?
Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
Why did astronauts find bones on the moon?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Steven Spielburg decides to make a movie about famous composers and
TINA IS WATCHING A CABLE SHOPPING SHOW FEATURING MAKE OVERS,WHEN THEY
MENTION THAT SOAKING YOUR SKIN IN MILK WILL SMOOTHOUT YOUR WRINKLES.SO
TINA YELLS TO OLE TO LOAD UP THE OLD BATHTUB IN THE PICKUP,AND TAKE
HER TO THE DAIRY STORE.WHEN THEY GET TO THE DAIRY STORE SHE TELLS THE
YOUNG MAN WORKING THERE SHE WANTS ENOUGH MILK TO FILL THE BATH TUB IN
THE BACK OF HER PICKUP.IN WHICH THE YOUNG MAN ASK " DO YOU WANT THAT
PASTURIZED" AND TINA SAYS " NO JUST UP TO MY BREAST".
A TRUCKER STOPS AT A GAS STATION, GETS OUT OF HIS TRUCK JUST AS A CAR
PULLS AWAY FROM THE PUMPS.AS THE CAR PULLS OUT ONTO THE ROAD THE TRUCKER
NOTICES THE ARM OF THE DRIVER STUCK OUT OF THE WINDOW ON FIRE.THE TRUCKER
FIGURES THE DRIVER MUST OF GOT GAS ON HIS SHIRT SLEEVE AND TRIED LIGHTING
A CIGARETTE AND CAUGHT HIS ARM ON FIRE.SO THE TRUCKER GRABS HIS FIRE
EXTINGUISHER AND HEADS FOR THE CAR JUST AS A COP PULLS UP WITH HIS EXTINGUISHER
AND PUTS THE DRIVERS ARM OUT,AT THE SAME TIME GIVING THE DRIVER A TICKET.AS
THE DRIVER PULLS AWAY THE TRUCKER ARRIVES ON THE SCENE AND ASK THE COP
WHY HE GAVE THE DRIVER A TICKET.IN WHICH THE COP PROMPTLY REPLIES "ILLEGAL
Q: Why don't vultures drink Road Kill soda?
I was having a conversation after lunch with a toothpick; he had a couple
of good points.
Guy is traveling down a country road . . . comes around a curve and
almost hits this 600 lb., three legged hog! Gets his car under control
and then pulls over to get himself settled down. A farmer comes down
the driveway and asks what's all the tire noise and goins on. The man
asks about the three legged hog. The farmer says, "That hog is the smartest
hog in the world . . . why last month that hog smelled smoke coming
from my house--woke me up and it saved my family from a firey death.
The man then said how wonderful that was, but still wanted to know the
story behind the three legged hog. The farmer just looked real hard
at the stranger and proceeded to tell another story about the hog. Seems
the hog caught,ran down and sat on a would be thief one night and kept
the robber at bay until the law got there. The stranger,although impressed
with this story, still wanted to know the story behind the three legged
hog. Well, the farmer knew the man was not going to stop asking about
the missing leg until he got the story. The farmer looked real hard
at the man and said, "Look son that hog means a lot to me and my family.
. .why he's more like a pet or a friend.
A man wakes up one morning to find that his faithfull companion for
many years, a very large bulldog, has gone crosseyed. He hauls the big
dog to the vet to see if anything can be done to fix him. The vet reaches
down, picks up the dog and looks him over. After a quick examination
the vet says, "Well, looks like I'm gonna have to put him down." Very
stunned and shocked by this dignosis the owner says, "What do you mean?!
You have to put him down just because he's crosseyed?" "No", the vet
says, "he's heavy."
What did Captain Hook die of?
This mushroom enters a maltshop and sees a beautiful
women setting at the counter. He is smitten. He calls the waitress over
and asks her to deliever the young lady a chocolate malt and tell her
it's from the mushroom. The waitress follows the mushroom's instructions,
but the young lady refuses the malt. Insulted the mushroom approaches
the young lady to find out what the matter is. He asks her: Dont't you
like malts? "Why yes I do," she replies. Perplexed he asks, "Aren't
you thirsty for a malt?" I could drink a malt right now" she answers.
"Why did you refuse the malt I sent over?" the mushroom inquires. "Well,
I just don't care for mushrooms." she replied. "Well, I'm not just a
mushroom -- I'm a fungi" (fun guy)
What do you get when you cross a potato with a sponge? I don't know--it
doesn't taste very good, but it sure holds gravy!
What kind of fire needs water?
A rope walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender gave him
a fierce look and said "We don't serve no ropes in here," and he picked
him up and threw him out the door.
How do you get an obstinate 3rd grader to eat all their
Q: Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
So did you hear about the guy that walked into the
psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made out
of saran wrap? The psychiatrist said, "Well I can see YOUR nuts."
A cat presented the family tennis racket to a psychiatrist,
who quickly diagnosed," Your brother is too high strung."
Duck walks into a 7-11, looks around a little, and
then approaches the cashier and asks, "You, uh, got any grapes?"
This is my favorite:
This is Miranda's favorite:
A GIRL IN THE 1ST GRADE CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND
Why did the chicken cross the road?
What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).