FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions

Bad Jokes...and Very Bad Jokes

Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans.

tom stine, lincoln, ne


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
ElephIno!

Linda Aydelette, Greensboro, NC


What is Superman's favorite entree at the upscale Metropolis Cafe?

He always has a capon.

Jim Martin, New Rochelle, NY


Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there.

One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall!

People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. "How," they asked, "how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?" The little boy smiled and answered, "I just thought of that old adage--you know, that dill waters run steep!"

Brian Bauman, Livermore, CA


One day a bear walked into a bar and said I wan't a Budwiser Beer and the bartender said, "this is Bill Bo Bobs bar in Billings Montana and we dont serve beers to bears." Then the bear said, " If you don't give me a beer I'll eat that woman over there." Bill said, "sorry Mr. bear but no beer." So he went and mauled that woman and ate her. "Now give me my beer or I'll eat you to." "Sorry Mr. Bear no-can-do and I'm calling drug control." "why's that?",said the bear. " because that was a bar-bitch-you-ate

Jessica M, D, W


Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psychopath.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A. "Dam!"

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The location of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A. Skeet.

Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

The Mexican milkmaid was forced to choose between her lover and her career. That's right, Juan or the udder.

Sally Bulgier, Claremont, CA


What happened to the employee that fell into the vat of gum?

His boss chewed him out.

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA


Q: What do you get if you cross a puppy with a car?
A: A dead puppy

Did you hear about the librarian who brought the undercover cop into court? She threw the book at him.

Did you hear about the private golf club that stopped serving liquor? They said they didn't want any more drunk drivers.

Did you hear about the cannibal Russian soldier? When he went to McDonal's in Red Square and got a Big Mac, he said - "Tastes like Chechnyen."

Did you hear? Al Gore finally found a running mate that makes himself seem lively and fun!
Who is it?
Charlie McCarthy.

How is Al Gore like Moses?
He's looking for the burning Bush.

Didja hear about the crosseyed trombone player who loved Easter candy but only ate it on airplanes? He was a walleyed one horn flying purple Peeps eater.

To some people the glass is half full. To other people the glass is half empty. To a cat it's just another toy to knock over.

Ya know, I knew the GOOP primary would come to this: Bush catches on fire, McCain fries.

Why can't mathematicians stay married?
They always seek annulment.

Jacob Sommer, Greenfield, MA


It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and this guy was ready to go back. The airport, on the other end, had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA


Patient:I pass gas all the time.I bet I've done it twenty times since I came into your office.There's no sound though and no smell either! Doctor:Take this medicine & return in 2 weeks. 2 weeks later,Patient:Well,Doc,I'm still doing it,but now it stinks very badly,still no sound.Doctor:Well,now that weve cleared up your sinuses we'll work on your hearing.

John Holder, Birmingham, Al


What do you get when you cross a canary with a lawnmower?
Shredded tweet!

Sarah Oelker, New Haven, CT


Did you hear about the guy that fell into the lens grinding machine?

He made a spectacle of himself!

Don Nelson, Tomah, Wi


What's Smokey the Bear's middle name?

"The"

karen kelly, Ottawa, ON


A multi-billionaire was very interested in exotic animals and had a large menagerie in his garden. One day he decided to buy a hippopotamus. A few days later, he calls his sister up and he says, "Sis, this hippopotamus is so great! He's docile, well-behaved, and very sweet!" A month later, the billionaire's sister calls. "So how're things going with the hippo?" she asks. "Oh, terrible. That hippo is such a horrible animal!" the billionaire replies. "He trampled all of my rhododendrens this morning and has made an absolute mess of my garden and his pool!" To which his sister replies, "Bro, you shouldn't be so hippo-critical."

Tamara Vatnick, Wilmington, DE
Age: 13


Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

answer...K9P

Q. What is the definition of mixed emotions?

answer...when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Dale Moore, Lawton, Mi


What did the hen say when she looked in the kitchen window and saw a plate of scrambled eggs?

Oh, my poor mixed up kids.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers

Dale Moore, Lawton, Mi


How do you put an elephant in a refrigator? You open the door and put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigator? You open the door take the elephant out and put the giraffe in.
The lion king is throwing a party. Everyone is invited, which animal isn't there? The giraffe,he's still in the refrigator!
There's an aligator infested river.How do you get across? You swim across,all the aligators are at the lion king's party!

Tina Ulrich, Traverse City, MI


An ER Doctor comes out to the waiting room to give a Golf Fanatic Husband some bad news:

DOCTOR: I'm terribly sorry but we were unable to save your wife. I also have to clarify a few things in your story. You claim that while playing golf with your wife, you hit your golf ball and that it hit your wife in the back of the head causing her to fall over unconscious.

GOLF FANATIC: That is correct.

DOCTOR: Then how do you explain the golf ball we found in her rectum?

GOLF FANATIC: Oh, that was my mulligan.

John Hammann, St. Charles, MO


Picture an old western town. Into the saloon walks a talking dog. He goes to the barkeep and says, "I want me a smoothe wisky, woof." he is ignored. He repeats, "I want me a smooth wisky, woof, woof." The barkeep says, "We don't serve no talkin' dogs here." The dog pounds the counter and says, "I want me a shot of smooth wisky, woof, woof, woof!" the room goes quite. From across the room a man wearing black stands up from his poker game and says, "you heard the gent, DOG, get on outta here." The dog just stares at him and says, "I want me a shot of smooth wisky, woof, woof, woof, woof!" The man in black says, "All right dog, you asked for it!" His hands move lightning quick, there's a bang and a flash, the smell of burnt fur, and the dog, yelping to himself, limps out of the bar. "I reckon that's the last we'll see of that there talking dog," smirks the man in black.

Now it's some time later, same small town. The same saloon, and in walks the Talking Dog, but this time he's wearing boots with spurs, a calf-skin vest with a gold star, and twin, ivor-butted colts in holsters at his sides. He walks to the bar. The barkeep says, "Uh, hhhhhelllo mr-mr-mr T-t-t-talking D-d-d-d-dog s-s-s-ir, what c-c-c-can I do for you?" The dog pushes his stetson off his forhead and casts a cool eye around the room, then says in a low growl, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
lisa Engstrom, Menlo Park, CA


A male fly crawls into a pub, where they have piles of dung next to the bar for flies to sit on while drinking. He spots a cute female fly sitting on one of the dung piles, next to an unoccupied dung pile. He sidles over to where the female is sitting, points to the unoccupied pile and asks, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

Mitch Kessler, Latham, NY


The Russians and the United States were contending about which country would rule the world. They decided to have a dog fight in order to choose. They had five years in which to prepare. The Russians inter-bred several vicious breeds including a weimaramer, pit bull, rotweiller and a German shepherd. A truly mean dog emerged after the five years, and the Russians were confident and ready to take on the U.S.'s dog.

The Russian dog growled loudly as he entered the fight ring. He was met by the U.S. dog, which was a very long and low dachshund. The Russian dog lunged at the dachshund. Immediately, the dachshund bit off the Russian's dog's head. That was the end of the match, and the U.S. won control of the world.

The Russian breeders and leaders came over to talk with the U.S. officials and said "It took us five long years to breed a weimaramer with a pit bull and then a rotweiller and a German shepherd--all into one hybrid dog." Then they asked, "What did you do? How could a dachshund defeat our ferocious dog? The U.S. officials answered, "It took us five long years to figure out how to make a crocodile look like a dachshund."

Linda Erdberg, Falls Church, VA


A husband knew his wife was having an affair with another man but could never prove it. One day he left work early and to try to catch her in the act. Just then his wife and her lover were undressing each other in the living room and luckily happened to notice the husband walking towards their apartment building. The husband got in the elevator and rode up to the 50th floor and as the doors opened he saw his naked wife pushing a naked man out of their apartment door.

Enraged the husband bolted across the hallway as the two lovers slammed the apartment door. Flustered, the man fumbled with his keys and finally got into the apartment. By the time he got in his wife was sitting on the couch acting as if nothing had happened. The husband demanded to know where the naked man was hiding but the wife insisted she didn't know what he was talking about.

The husband searched every room in the apartment but couldn't find the naked man anywhere. He ended up in the kitchen, crazed and frustrated and picked up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. Unfortunately the electrical cord wrapped around his ankle and dragged him out the window 50 floors down to the pavement below and a certain death.

At that instant three people appeared at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter asked the first man how he died and the man said his wife was having an affair, he knew her lover was hiding in their apartment but he couldn't find him and in anger he picked up the refrigerator and tossed it out the window, his foot got tangled in the cord and he and the refrigerator dropped 50 floors to his death. St. Peter asked the second man how he died and he said he was just walking by a 50 story apartment building when a man and a refrigerator came crashing down on him. St. Peter asked the third man, who was naked and shivering, how he died
and he said, "I was just sitting in a refrigerator on the 50th floor of a 50 story apartment building..."

Susan Harrison, Nunnelly, TN


A horse walks (trots, gallops, canters?) into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Jon Steel, Kenwood, CA


What do you call two lepers in a hot tub?
Stew!

Belinda Madsen, Sandy, UT


I was driving to work the other day, when I saw a cute liitle rabbit on the side of the road. Unfortunately, the rabbit wanted to get a closer look at the car and ran under it. I immediately pulled over and ran over to the rabbit, who was quivering and gasping for air. I ran back to my car to see if I had any first aid supplies to help this poor little rabbit. I noticed a spray can in the back seat, grabbed it and rushed back to the rabbit. I quickly sprayed the rabbit,and, amazingly enough, it got up and hopped away.

THe next day I took the same route to work, and saw the rabbit on the side of the road, and I could have sworn that it waved to me! The next day, there he was, waving again. . On the third day, there was the rabbit in the same spot, waving. When I got to work I looked in the back seay of the car and saw the can that had used on the rabbit. It was labeled: Hare Spray, for Permanent Wave.

Carrie Toth, Ambler, PA


"I doubt that Bush will do much to curb government spending, but the frugal Gore may."

The Frugal Gourmet, get it? Hysterical!

Bob Dierker, Hicksville, NY


I went to the Doctor's with a sore knee. The Doc says "It's just old age."
I know he's full of it cause the other knee is just as old, so I say "I want a second opinion."
So the Doctor says "OK, you need a hair cut."

larry wilcox, Rochester, ny


There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old Indian guy's face there!" This old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He
wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughingagain, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driversays, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then allof a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old Indianman again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.

Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the windowa little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old Indian
quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rollsup the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud"?

erik breedlove, asheville, nc


Q)What does a new York pizza say?
A)HEY! You wanna piece of me?

Stevie Wonder attended his first Passover meal.
Everyone kept noticing how happy he was when he was handed a piece of matzah.They asked why he like it so much.He touched it again with his fingertips and said:
"Hey, this is great! Who writes this stuff?"

Steve Greenwald, Cleveland , OH


Did you hear about the religious moth who gave up woolens for Lint ?

David Johnson, Loves Park , IL


What did the duck say to the cashier when he didn't have any money?

Put it on my bill!

Stefan Cich, Alice, TX
Age: 11


Did you know that they recently proved that diarrhea is hereditary-it goes through your GENES.

Tom Mainella, Fairmont, WV


What's white and crawls up your leg?
Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice

steve walsh, Marietta, GA


Why are the all pilgrams buried in Massachussetts?
Because they're dead!!

Sarah Lavendol, Birmingham, AL
Age: 7


A bum walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep, give me a bottle of scotch, a quart of gin, a fifth of brandy and a six pack to go."
And the bartender says, "How do you expect to pay for all that."
And the bum says, "With my worst hangover in 30 years

Jim Dalgleish, St. Joseph, MI


A woman boards a train in Ireland. She is carrying a small, fluffy little dog, and proceeds to sit down and place the dog in the seat next to her. The train fills up quickly, with many people unable to find a seat. Finally, just before the train leaves, an American gets on. He sees the dog in the seat and asks the lady to hold it so he can sit down. She refuses, saying the dog is a highly-pedegreed show dog. The man asks again, a little more strongly. Again, the woman refuses. Things go on this way for a while, until finally the man picks up the dog, opens the window, and throws it out. He sits down calmly as the woman begins to shriek and pound him with her fists. An old Irishman across the way leans over and says to the man: "Ah, ya foolish Yanks. Ye do everythin' backwards. Not only do ye drive on the wrong side of the road but ye just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

Heather Knight, Lincoln, NE


Do you know the difference between a gerbil and a hamster?
A gerbil's dark meat.

Keri Stewart, La Center, KY


It was the annual dart competition at Valhalla, all sorts of warriors were there. The finals involved Ghengas Kahn and Hannibal. It was Hannibal's turn he threw his first dart "double 20" the score keeper called. The second, "double twenty" called the score keeper again. Hannibal took aim and threw his final dart, unfortunatly he hit the wire makeing the dart fly off in the direction of an unfortunate man named Atilla killing him instantly. In the silence that followed the score keeper's voice was heard to say "one-HUN-dead, and eighty"

Matthew Beltz, Alexandria, VA


What's Dracula's least favorite restaurant??
"Stake and Ail" (Steak and Ale)

what's Dracula's least favorite song?
"Peg 'O My Heart"

Jim Costilow, Apex, NC


Well, you know what the spider said.
No, what?
Time sure is fun when you're having flies.
Cecelia Littlepage, Berkeley, CA


How many Vikings does it take to light a candle?
None- why waste a candle when there's a perfectly good monastery up on the hill!

Elizabeth Newton, Monona, IA


Why did the detective have a copy of the periodic table of the elements?

In case he needed chem-mystery help.

Bill Andrews, Weston, FL


Think about the old McDonald's ad about two all beef patties when reading this:
A woman applied for, and was hired as a school bus driver.
She was told she would be driving on a street called Sesame.
The first pickup is a pudgy little girl. The girl says, "Hi", my name is Patti and she sets down in her seat.
The second pickup is another pudgy little girl named Patti
and she introduces herself and sits down.
The third stop brings a little boy, standing with his Mother. The Mother says, "This is my little boy Ross, & he is very special".
The next stop is for a little girl carrying two pet rabbits; to be used for show and tell.
Her next stop is for a little boy that bounds into the bus and says, "Hi, I'm Lester East", and he runs back to a seat behind the little girl with the rabbits.
The bus driver notices that Lester is creating problems by kicking the seat in front of him and making the little girl with the rabbits cry and yell.
The driver takes the kids to school, goes back to the bus garage and promptly quits her new job.
When asked why she quit, she said, "I can't handle this day after day, taking care of
Two obese Patties,
Special Ross,
Lester East, kickin bunnies,
on a Sesame street bus.

Gene Garland, Elida, OH


Two guys are out fishing in the wilderness on a blazing hot summer afternoon. Eventually, they decide to take off their socks and shoes and wade into the stream, so that they can cool off. Just after they do this, a huge grizzly bear appears on the opposite bank of the stream. The bear takes one look at the two fishermen and instantly charges. Naturally, both men immediately rush for the shore. Both men reach the shore at the same time, but one of them immediately stops to grab his shoes. His friend, still running, yells "What are you doing? Those shoes won't help you outrun the bear!" The first fisherman replies, "It isn't the BEAR I have to outrun!"

Michael Dexter, Pullman, WA


Why is a subtle remark like an Italian suppository?

IN-A-U-END-OHHH!!!

Marvin Demanzuk, Rogers, AR


Why did the kangaroo cross the road?

Because he had a chicken in his pouch.

Chris John, Highlands Ranch, CO


A guy walks into a bar and says ouch! -
It was a steel bar.

Richard Yurch, Edison , nj


To be told in succession -
Where do you take a dog when he's sick?
To the dog-tor.
Where do you take a duck when he's sick?
The duck-tor.
Where do you take a horse when he's sick?
To a horse-pital.
Where do you take a cat when he's sick?
To a veterinarian.

Richard Yurch, Edison , nj


A man his speaking with his psychiatrist and says-
I've been having these recurring dreams lately.
First I dream I'm a teepee, then I dream I'm a wigwam. I wake up and when I fall back to sleep it's the same thing-a wigwam, a teepee, wigwam, teepee-
The psychiatrist interrupts- The problem is that you're just too tense [tents].

Christine Merges, Dunkirk, NY


Q: what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: no idea

Q: if beer nuts cost $1.99, how much do deer nuts cost ?
A: under a buck

ken polkowski, elmwood park, nj


I've got an additional line to add to Ken Polkowski's joke in the "Bad, Very Bad" category:

Ken's: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.
Mine: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no idear.

Diane Bellomo, Baltimore, MD


two guy's walked into a bar...

... the third guy ducked

brandon grimm, shawnee, ks
Age: 13


What goes up one color but comes down two?
An egg!

Alex Malm, Bismarck, ND
Age: 9


Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
A: A manila folder.

Ethan Demarest, Corvallis, OR
Age: 15


Why did astronauts find bones on the moon?
Answer: The cow didn't make it.

Linda Fogarty, Flintstone, GA


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Amanda Powter, Seattle, WA


Steven Spielburg decides to make a movie about famous composers and musicians.
Wanting high powered actors, he invites Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzeneggar to consider a part in the film.

All four of them meet, and Spielburg gives them a list of potential composers to choose from.

Seagal says "You know, I've always loved Chopin. Strong and dynamic, I'd like to play him."

"That's great!" Says Spielburg.

Stallone jumps in; "well, I'd love to play Beethoven. Such a passionate guy."

"Super!" Spielburg answers. Then looks over to Arnold, who has a little smile as he looks over the list. "you look amused, do you know who you'd like to be?"

and Schwarzeneggar says - "I'll be Bach."

John Biddle, West Chester, PA


TINA IS WATCHING A CABLE SHOPPING SHOW FEATURING MAKE OVERS,WHEN THEY MENTION THAT SOAKING YOUR SKIN IN MILK WILL SMOOTHOUT YOUR WRINKLES.SO TINA YELLS TO OLE TO LOAD UP THE OLD BATHTUB IN THE PICKUP,AND TAKE HER TO THE DAIRY STORE.WHEN THEY GET TO THE DAIRY STORE SHE TELLS THE YOUNG MAN WORKING THERE SHE WANTS ENOUGH MILK TO FILL THE BATH TUB IN THE BACK OF HER PICKUP.IN WHICH THE YOUNG MAN ASK " DO YOU WANT THAT PASTURIZED" AND TINA SAYS " NO JUST UP TO MY BREAST".

JEFFREY FORTHUN,
ROSEMOUNT, MN


A TRUCKER STOPS AT A GAS STATION, GETS OUT OF HIS TRUCK JUST AS A CAR PULLS AWAY FROM THE PUMPS.AS THE CAR PULLS OUT ONTO THE ROAD THE TRUCKER NOTICES THE ARM OF THE DRIVER STUCK OUT OF THE WINDOW ON FIRE.THE TRUCKER FIGURES THE DRIVER MUST OF GOT GAS ON HIS SHIRT SLEEVE AND TRIED LIGHTING A CIGARETTE AND CAUGHT HIS ARM ON FIRE.SO THE TRUCKER GRABS HIS FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND HEADS FOR THE CAR JUST AS A COP PULLS UP WITH HIS EXTINGUISHER AND PUTS THE DRIVERS ARM OUT,AT THE SAME TIME GIVING THE DRIVER A TICKET.AS THE DRIVER PULLS AWAY THE TRUCKER ARRIVES ON THE SCENE AND ASK THE COP WHY HE GAVE THE DRIVER A TICKET.IN WHICH THE COP PROMPTLY REPLIES "ILLEGAL FIREARM".(HA, HA!!!)

JEFFREY FORTHUN, ROSEMOUNT, MN


Q: Why don't vultures drink Road Kill soda?
A: Because it always tastes FLAT!

Kirby Hylton, Aurora, CO


I was having a conversation after lunch with a toothpick; he had a couple of good points.

Ben Tanner, Clarkesville, GA


Guy is traveling down a country road . . . comes around a curve and almost hits this 600 lb., three legged hog! Gets his car under control and then pulls over to get himself settled down. A farmer comes down the driveway and asks what's all the tire noise and goins on. The man asks about the three legged hog. The farmer says, "That hog is the smartest hog in the world . . . why last month that hog smelled smoke coming from my house--woke me up and it saved my family from a firey death. The man then said how wonderful that was, but still wanted to know the story behind the three legged hog. The farmer just looked real hard at the stranger and proceeded to tell another story about the hog. Seems the hog caught,ran down and sat on a would be thief one night and kept the robber at bay until the law got there. The stranger,although impressed with this story, still wanted to know the story behind the three legged hog. Well, the farmer knew the man was not going to stop asking about the missing leg until he got the story. The farmer looked real hard at the man and said, "Look son that hog means a lot to me and my family. . .why he's more like a pet or a friend.
What with saving us from that fire and then catching that thief. . . you know when you've been through those kind of things with a hog, you don't just eat him all at once!!!!!!!!!!!

John Elkins, Columbia, SC


A man wakes up one morning to find that his faithfull companion for many years, a very large bulldog, has gone crosseyed. He hauls the big dog to the vet to see if anything can be done to fix him. The vet reaches down, picks up the dog and looks him over. After a quick examination the vet says, "Well, looks like I'm gonna have to put him down." Very stunned and shocked by this dignosis the owner says, "What do you mean?! You have to put him down just because he's crosseyed?" "No", the vet says, "he's heavy."

Chris Bryce, Helena, MT


What did Captain Hook die of?
Jock itch.

Roberta Stimac, So. Milwaukee, Wi


This mushroom enters a maltshop and sees a beautiful women setting at the counter. He is smitten. He calls the waitress over and asks her to deliever the young lady a chocolate malt and tell her it's from the mushroom. The waitress follows the mushroom's instructions, but the young lady refuses the malt. Insulted the mushroom approaches the young lady to find out what the matter is. He asks her: Dont't you like malts? "Why yes I do," she replies. Perplexed he asks, "Aren't you thirsty for a malt?" I could drink a malt right now" she answers. "Why did you refuse the malt I sent over?" the mushroom inquires. "Well, I just don't care for mushrooms." she replied. "Well, I'm not just a mushroom -- I'm a fungi" (fun guy)

Dean Tickle, Lexington, NE


What do you get when you cross a potato with a sponge? I don't know--it doesn't taste very good, but it sure holds gravy!

There was a scientist who wanted to cross a crocodile with an abalone. He was hoping for an abadile, but he got a crockabalone!

Nita Young, Fresno, CA


What kind of fire needs water?
A humidifier.

William Berkowitz, Prescott, AZ


A rope walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender gave him a fierce look and said "We don't serve no ropes in here," and he picked him up and threw him out the door.

The rope picked himself up, dusted himself off, and went down a quiet alley where he tied himself into a knot and frayed his ends. Then he went back into the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender gave him a fierce look and said "Ain't you that rope I just throwed outa here?"

"Nope," the rope answered, "I'm a frayed knot."

Chris Rigel, Ambler, PA


How do you get an obstinate 3rd grader to eat all their vegetables?
Tell them to eat every carrot and pea on their plate.

Mike Williams, Baltimore, MD


Q: Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
A: It's rated arrrrrr.

Eric Ziegenhagen, Chicago, IL


So did you hear about the guy that walked into the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made out of saran wrap? The psychiatrist said, "Well I can see YOUR nuts."

allison mains, maryville, tn


A cat presented the family tennis racket to a psychiatrist, who quickly diagnosed," Your brother is too high strung."

This is the same doctor who became world renowned for his ability to pull habits out of rats.

Flem Connell, Riverdale, Ga


Duck walks into a 7-11, looks around a little, and then approaches the cashier and asks, "You, uh, got any grapes?"

The cashier impatiently replies, "Uh, no. We're 7-11. We don't sell fresh produce." Duck walks out.

The next day the Duck walks back into the same 7-11 with the same cashier behind the counter and says, "Got any grapes?"

The cashier, clearly irritated replies, "No, we don't have any grapes, nor will we ever have any grapes. This is a 7-11. We don't sell fresh produce." Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the third day in a row and walks up to the same cashier and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The cashier infuriated replies, "No, we do NOT have any grapes, nor will we ever have any grapes. Furthermore, if you ever come back in here again askng for grapes I'll nail your bill to the floor!" So, the Duck walks out.

Fourth day in a ROW, the Duck walks into the same 7-11 with the same cashier behind the counter and asks, "Got any nails?"

Cashier, "No."

Duck, "Got any grapes?"

Tom Capriola, Berkeley, CA


This is my favorite:

Why do elephants have trunks?
So they can hide in apple trees...

Have you ever seen an elephant in an apple tree?
See, it works.

Christopher Martin, Westerville, OH


This is Miranda's favorite:

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!

Miranda Martin, Westerville, OH
Age: 6


A GIRL IN THE 1ST GRADE CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND
REPORTED TO HER MOTHER THAT SHE HAD A NEW TEACHER THAT
DAY.HER MOTHER ASKED IF SHE LEARNED ANYTHING NEW. HER
ANSWER WAS "OH YES.SHE TAUGHT US HOW TO MAKE BABIES"
IN GREAT SURPRIZE, HER MOTHER ANSWERED WITH GREAT CAUTION,
"TELL ME HOW DO YOU MAKE BABIES?" "IT'S EASY, YOU JUST
TAKE OFF THE "Y" AND ADD "IES"


Why did the chicken cross the road?
to get away from Colonel Sanders.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
The chicken retired.
Why did the dinosaur cross the river?
Because there weren't any roads.

Jonathan Haab, Bronx, NY
Age: 7


What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

Damn!

Joke told to by tennis coach Keith Cullen during Saturday morning drills class.

Mary Karmin, Birmingham, MI
 

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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