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FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW Joke Submissions Bawdy Jokes Howard was very, very depressed.
He had committed a great moral wrong, and he was so consumed by his guilt
that he was on the verge of suicide. Just as he put the barrel of his
gun in his mouth, and inner voice spoke to him.
A mother wanted her son to express his need to use the toilet by telling
him to say " I have to whisper"
Four men broke into the Pharmacy on Main street today and made off with
an unclosed amount of the impotency drug 'Viagra'. Police refused comment
on the crime other than, "We are currently looking for four hardened criminals".
A lady in her late 40's went to the plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob
is planted on the back of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of
course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Why do mice have small balls?
THREE DAUGHTERS
A 90 year-old couple, after dating for 6 months decide that they'd like
to have sex. After they go at it, each one is lying back having his and
her own thoughts.
What do Viagra and a Dirt Devil have in common?
Ms. Sampson, a sixth-grade science teacher, asked her class, "Who can
tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size
when stimulated ?"
A woman tells her neighbor over the backyard fence: "We're not going to
have any more children because I finally got a hearing aid."
Have you heard about the new Playboy magazine for married men; every month
- same girl.
"Two nuns and a mother superior are in car crash and all three die and
find themselves at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that in order
to enter the gates they must answer one question correctly. They agree
and he turns to the first nun and says " Who was the first man?" The nun
replies "Adam." "That's correct." says St. Peter and allows her through
the gates. He then turns to the second nun and asks " Who was the first
woman?" "Eve," replies the second nun. "Correct." says St. Peter as he
turns to the mother superior. "Now, sister, I must ask you a more difficult
question because of your position in the church, I hope you understand."
"Of course," she says. "OK, here goes. What was the first thing Eve said
to Adam?" "Ooo, that is a hard one." says the mother superior. "Correct!"
syas St. Peter.
A guy goes into a bar, and brings his monkey in with him. "Hey, get outta
here with that monkey!" says the bartender. "He'll be fine," the guy says,
"he's trained." But the next thing they know, the monkey has jumped up
on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. "Hey, that was a solid ivory
cue ball!" said the bartender. "Don't worry -- in a couple of days he'll
pass it, I'll wash it up, and it'll be good as new," the guy says. "You
better be right," says the bartender. A couple of days later, the guy
comes back into the bar with the monkey, and the guy has the cue ball
in his hand. "Here you are -- the monkey passed it and I washed it up.
It's as good as new, just as I told you," says the guy. "That's fine,"
says the bartender, "but what's your monkey doing now?" They look down
the bar and the monkey is taking olives out of the drink garnish container,
inserting them into his rear end one by one, and then eating them. "Oh,"
says the guy, "after the cue ball incident he's been sizing everything
he eats."
Some years ago, a mountain man was captured by hostile Indians. He was
brought before the Chief, who told him, "the penalty for violating our
lands is death." "However," the Chief continued, "we are not without mercy;
if you can pass three tests of manhood, we will make you an honorary member
of our tribe and set you free." The mountain man saw that he had no choice,
so he agreed to the trials.
A cowboy meets an Indian (Native American) herding sheep in the Black
Hills.
Once there was a woman who had several guests in her house. She was quite
busy serving the food and making sure that everyone was comfortable. Partway
through the gathering, she found out that the toilet paper in the bathroom
had been used up, and that she had no more left in the house. She was
wondering what to do when she suddenly thought of her sewing room. Rushing
in, she gathered up bits and pieces of pattern paper, and put them in
the bathroom. Not too long afterward, a guest needed to use the bathroom.
After he came out, he drew his hostess aside. "My gosh," he whispered
in awe, "I've heard of fancy toilet paper, but I had never seen this kind
that says 'front' and 'back'!"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes,he starts dialing
numbers like a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his
hand over and starts talking into the palm of his hand.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
A travelling salesman is going door to door selling "bee-salve" to farmers
who have honey bees. He knocks on a farmer's door and says I'm selling
bee salve. Farmer says what's bee salve? Guy says, It's salve you put
on your body, and the bees stay away, then you don't have to wear the
mask and the suit! Farmer says How do I know it works? Guy says here's
what we'll do: We'll go out into your pasture, I strip all the way down,
smear the salve on my whole body, you then tie me to a tree, dump a whole
hive of bee on me, and come back in one hour. I won't have a single sting
on my whole body! The farmer say's I'll take you up on that! So out they
go and the salesman strips down, and puts salve on his whole body, and
the farmer lashes him tightly to the tree, dumps the hive of bees on him
and walks away. The farmer goes back into his shed and gets to tinkering
with things and ends up foprgetting about the salesman out in the pasture.
By the time he finally checks his watch, its like three hours later. Farmer
looks out the window and there's the guy still tied to the tree passed
out and slumped over. He rushes out to the guy and he's slapping his cheecks
trying to bring him around. "Mr. Mr. are you okay?!!" The salesman comes
around, takes one look at the farmer and yells "Doesn't that calf have
a mother?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a double. As the bartender gives it
to him, he notices the man is depressed.
It was a busy day in Heaven, so St. Peter was interviewing the recently
deceased and admitting only those who'd had a truly traumatic death. The
first guy in line is asked, "So, how did you die?" And he says, "Well,
for months now I've been suspecting that my wife has been having an affair;
today I came home from work early to try to catch her. I didnt' find anyone
with her, but she was acting awfully suspicious, so I went into the bedroom
for a closer look; I was just about to leave, when i noticed out on the
deck there were two man's hands visible--I ran over, saw her lover hanging
from our deck, and stamped on his feet until he dropped; he miraculously
landed in some bushes, and I was so angry I went inside, grabbed our refrigerator,
and hurled it over the balcony onto the guy. Well, doing that gave me
a heart attack, and here I am." "Whew, yeah, that's pretty rough; okay,
you're in," ST. Peter told him. "Next! How did you die, sir?" the next
fellow in line says, "Listen, you're not going to believe it, but I was
working out on my deck, it was such a beautiful day, and while doing back-bends
I went over too far and fell over the railing! Luckily I caught myself
on the deck below mine, and was hanging there trying to figure out how
to save myself when this crazy guy came and started stomping on my fingers,
screaming at me! Well, I had to let go, but luckily I landed on some bushes.
I though I'd be okay then, but the guy had grabbed his refrigerator and
threw it down on me...and now here I am!" "You poor fellow--how bizarre!
You're in. Next!" St. Peter turned to the next man in line. "How about
you, sir?" The guy says to him, "All right, now, picture this: I'm naked,
hiding in a refrigerator..." !!!!!
After an evening at the pub, Angus was staggering home feeling the effects
of his whiskey. He needed to relieve himself so he lurched over to the
ditch by the side of the road to conduct his business. While standing
there he passed out and fell along the shoulder of the road where he slept
off his evening with Bacchus.
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city
for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the
dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are
the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the
tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained
the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the plate anyway, and found
it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.
After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's
COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir,"
said the waiter, "...you see the bull, he does not always lose!"
Two cowboys are sleeping out on the range, when one of them wakes the
other with a scream. "What is it, Tex?"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
One day, the sheriff saw Billy Bob walking around town with nothing but
his boots on. The sheriff says, "Billy Bob, what in blue blazes are you
doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy Bob replies, "Well,
Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was a-cuddlin' down at the farm, when Mary Lou
says we should go in the barn. So we did. Inside the barn, we started
kissin' and cuddlin' some more, and things started gettin' pretty hot.
Then Mary Lou, she takes off all her clothes and tells me to do the same.
So I took off everything but my boots. Then Mary Lou lays herself down
on the hay and says, 'Okay, Billy Bob, let's go to town!'
An elderly man walks into a drug store and asks for 6 viagra tablets
Q: Do you know what the doe said when she stumbled out of the woods one
morning?
What do you get if you practice tantric sex | | | | |
Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).
