FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions

Blond Jokes

Two blonds are on opposite sides of the lake. One calls across to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side!"

Native Minnesota, Houston, TX


Two blondes were sitting at a bar. Every so often they would reach up, give each other a high-5, and say, "Six months!!!" This went on all night. Finally the bartender could take it no more and asked what in the world they were celebrating. The blondes sheepishly looked at each other, then confessed with pride beyond bounds... "Well, we just finished a puzzle. The box said 2-3 years, but we finished it in just six months!"

Emily Stewart, Raleigh, NC


Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Rick Higgs, New Palestine, IN


This blonde wife decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband left for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies 'yes'. He asks what she is doing. She replies, that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies, that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

David Schauer, St. Petersburg, FL


One day a blonde woman was driving down the road when she passed another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field.

The first blonde gets out of her car and walks to the side of the field and calls out, "Hey, you there, in the boat!! You know, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! If I could swim, I'd slap you!"

Elizabeth A. Terranova Terranova, Kissimmee, FL


A blond goes to the doctor and sez, "Doc, it's been a month since I last saw you and I still feel terrible!" The doctor asks, "Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?" "Yes," said the blond, "It sez 'Keep Tightly Closed'"

Kathy Kelly, Media, PA


Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Rick Higgs, New Palestine, IN


What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you

pull the pin and throw it back

donald heverly, ortonville, mi
Age: 12


A dumb blond, a smart blond, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are all sitting around a table with a pile of money in the center. Who gets the money?..... The dumb blond. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or a smart blond.

Darwin Irish, South Hadley, Ma


A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a blonde. He notices that she has 5 martini glasses with nothing left in them but olives sitting in front of her. He says to her, "You know, five will make you dizzy?" She replies "the price is right, but my name's Daisy."

Elizabeth Newton, Monona, IA


An airplane was flying to New York when a blond passenger got out of her seat in Coach and proceeded to sit down in the First Class Section. The stewardess explained to her that her ticket was for Coach, and she must sit in her assigned seat, but the blond only replied, "I'm blond and I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York, and I'm going to sit where I want!" The stewardess got the head steward to try to reason with the blond, but once again she refused to move, saying, "I'm blond and I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York, and I'll sit where I want!" The steward got the co-pilot to talk to the woman, but with the same result.

Finally, the captain said, "My wife's blond. I know how to handle this." He went back to the woman, and whispered something in her ear. She immediately jumped up and ran back to her seat in coach. The others were amazed, and asked the captain what he had said that worked so well. He replied, "I just explained to her that the First Class section was only going as far as Pittsburg".

Jean Reinhart, Muskegon, Mi


Three women walk into a bar: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The bartender asks the brunette, "What'll you have, hon?" The brunette replies, "A B.L." The bartender scratches his head and says, "You know, I've been tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a B.L. What is it?" "A Bud Light, you moron!", exclaims the brunette. So the bartended gets her a Bud Light.
The bartender turns to the redhead. "What'll you have, hon?" "A C.L.", she replies. The bartender scratches his ehad and says, "You know, I've been tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a C.L. What is it?" "A Coors Light, you idiot!" exclaims the redhead. So he gets her a Coors Light.
The bartender then turns to the blonde. "What'll you have hon?" "A fifteen", she replies. The bartender scratches his head and says, "You know, I've been tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a fifteen. What is it?" The blonde exclaims, "A seven-and-seven, you jerk!"

Mitch Kessler, Latham, NY


Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio - what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her cell phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait later, she saw the truck pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA


The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA


Did you hear about the blond that called the fire department and said that her house was on fire? She asked the fireman if he could send someone to help her. The firemen said "sure, if you can tell us how to get there".
The blond responded "in a big red truck, Duh"

Dale Moore, Lawton, Mi


Three women were to be put to death for various crimes. The first woman, a redhed, was asked if she had any last words. Seeing a chance to flee, she yelled "tornado!!" The guards turned to look, and she escaped. When the second woman was given the chance to speak, she screamed "flood!!" She too escaped. Now it was time for the final woman, a natural blond. After seeing how the previous girls had gotten away, she too tried her hand at the trick. "Any last words?" the guard asked. The woman nodded her head and called out "FIRE!" You can only guess what happened next.

Elizabeth Schneck, Laurel, Md
Age: 15


Three blonde are stuck on an island. When one day they come upon a lamp. One rubs it and a genie pops out. He says that he'll grant each of them a wish. So the first blonde says, "I wish to be smart enough to get off this island." So the genie turns her into a redhead and she swims to the mainland. So the second says, "I wish I was smarter than her and get off the island too." So the genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a raft and rows to the mainland. The last blonde then says, "Well I want to be smarter than the two of them and get off the island." The genie says o.k. and turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.

Luke Roggenbeck, Cocoa Beach, FL
Age: 17


A litle blonde girl comes home from school and exclaims, "Mommie! Mommie! We had to recite the alphabet today and I was the only one in class who got all the way from A to Z"
"That's great, honey" Mom says."That's because you're the sweetest, prettiest girl in class."
The next day the excited little girl comes home brimming with pride and squeals "Mommie! Mommie! Today we counted numbers and I was the only one in class to get all the way to one-hundred!"
"That's great, honey" her mother repeats. "That's because you're sweetest most precious girl in class."
Next day, the little blonde girl comes running home: "Mommie! Mommie! Today we measured stuff and I was the tallest one in class!" she said with pride, "Is that because I'm the sweetest most precious girl?" She asked hopefully.
"No, it's because you're 27." said Mom.

michael trombly, DeSoto, mo


Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were
approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde
employee....

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Doug Lund, Sioux Falls, SD


A contractor finishing up a house is following around the new owner to get the colors for the rooms. They stop in the first room and the lady says "I'd like to have a nice off-white almost beige tome in here." The contractor writes it down, walks over to the window and yells out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The homeowner hears this, thinks about it for a second then dismisses it. In the next room they stop and she says "I'd like a nice light maroon in this room." The contractor writes this down, walks to the window and yells "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again she dismisses it and moves on.
In the next room she says "I'd like this room to be a real dark blue." Again, the contractor writes this down and walks to the window and shouts "GREEN SIDE UP!
This is too much for the lady and she asks "Why is it everytime I tell you a color, you write it down and then yell out the window, green side up?"
He says "Well, I've got four blondes across the street laying sod."

Brant McCance, Orlando, FL


A lovely blond young woman walked into a hair salon and asked for a haircut. The hairdresser said, "Sure ma'am, but I'll have to ask you to remove your walkman headphones." "No,"she answers, "Just cut around it." The hairdresser is hesitant, but she insists, so he begins. He does all right, but after about 15 minutes he gets frustrated, and just gently picks them up off her head for a quick snip-snip---and boom, she falls over dead. Horrified, he holds the earphones to his own ears to see what it was that was so important, and he hears, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

lisa Engstrom, Menlo Park, CA


A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The
body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA


One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her
keys in the ignition of her car. "If I take them out of the car when I lose them," she reasoned.
"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA


A lady is visiting relatives in Texas when she decides to go to the grocery store. She comes back to her car and gets in. After about 30 minutes, people begin to see her just setting in her car holding the back of her head. Finally some comes over and asks her whats wrong. She says that she has been shot in the back of the head and is holding her brains in. She is to scared to start her car. When the ambulance arrives, they find out that the heat made a biscuit can exploded making a pop and the dough struck her in the back of the head. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this lady is a blonde.

Derek Stroud, Ft. Riley, KS
Age: 15


Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gates to Heaven. St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven you have to tell me what Easter is."
The first blonde said, " Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we're thankful."
St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday when we celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents."
St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is."
St.Peter said, "OK then, tell me."
She starts, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Very good..."
She adds, "Every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."

Dennis Cowan, Redding, CA


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond. The bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300, and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Peggy Friedrichs, Saint Paul, MN


Every nite on their honeymoon, just before they went to sleep the Blonde wife would tell her husband, "If it starts to rain, wake me up".
On the last nite he asked her "Why do you tell me to wake you up it it starts raining, every nite?"
The blonde wife looks at him like he is crazy and says, "Cause I can't sleep if it's raining".

Gail Andrews, Lake Charles, LA


What do you call a group of blond skydivers?
Ans. Lawndarts

How do you get a one-armed blond out of a tree?
Ans. Wave

How do you entertain a blond for hours?
Ans. Give her a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

Heather Knight, Lincoln, NE


What did the Blond say when he opened a box of Cheerios?

Look Doughnut Seeds!

Jeremy Houck , Gainesville, GA


Three blonds were driving on a vacation trip to Disneyland. At the end of the interstate exit ramp was a sign reading, "Disneyland Left". So, they went home!

William Love, Stryker, OH


A brunette comes hopping down a railroad track, chanting, "Twenty-one ... twenty-one ... twenty-one ..." A blonde watches the brunette hopping ties and jumps on behind her, "Twenty-one ... twenty-one ... twenty-one ..."

A train comes, and the brunette steps off the tracks. Once the train passes, she hops back on: "Twenty-two ... twenty-two ... twenty-two ..."

Tracy Triggs-Matthews, Durham, NC


A man bought his wife, a blond, a cell phone for Christmas. He showed her how to use it and what each button did. Then one day he called her to test it out. He asked her how the reception was, if there were any problems with it; and she replied that she could hear him clearly; and with no problems. "But", she said (pause) "How did you know I was at Walmart?"

Terry Gore, Sun Valley , AZ


The two blonds were walking along when they saw some tracks. The first said they looked liked deer tracks. The other said she was sure they were moose tracks. They were still arguing about them when the train hit them.

Chris Krieg, Walla Walla, Wa


Two blondes walked ino a building-
You think one of them would have seen it!

James Summers, Birmingham, AL


Why was the blonds steering wheel covered in red lipstick?
She was trying to blow the horn.

bo Timms, Arlington, Tx


The blond calls her friend to help her put the puzzle together. It's suppose to look like a tiger but she can't get it to come out right. The friend gets there, takes a look and says "Sorry hon, I can't get this to look like a tiger either, now give up and put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!!"

Deb Krawiec, Elkhart, IN


Did you hear about the blonde that went to the department store to return a scarf.

She claimed that it was too tight.

Rudolph Ballina, Toms River, NJ


A blonde and a brunette are watching the 6:00 news. The feature story is about a man who is threatening to jump off a bridge. The brunette says to the blonde, "I bet you $50 that he jumps!" The blonde replies, "You're on." The story proceeds, and sure enough, the man jumps off the bridge. Having lost the bet, the blonde forks over $50. The brunette says, rather sheepishly, "I really can't accept your $50. I watched the 5:00 news and the same story aired, so I already knew that he would jump." The blonde says, "No, I insist you keep my money. I watched the 5:00 news too, and I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Robin Inman, Malden, MA


A blonde is down on her luck, so she decides to take drastic measures. She goes to the local park to kidnap a child and ask for ransom. She writes a note saying "leave 20,000 dollars behind the oak tree in the park by 7 am tomorrow if you ever want to see your child again. Sincerely, the Blonde." She pulls a little boy aside, pins the note to his jacket and tells him to take it to his mommy. The next day, the blonde returns to the oak tree to find a bag with 20,000 dollars in it and a note which read, "Here's your money, but I can't believe one blonde would do this to another."

Holly Wysaske, San Luis Obispo, CA



Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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