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FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW Joke Submissions Blond Jokes Two blonds are on opposite sides of the lake. One calls across to
the other, "How do I get to the other side?"
Two blondes were sitting at a bar. Every so often they would reach up,
give each other a high-5, and say, "Six months!!!" This went on all
night. Finally the bartender could take it no more and asked what in
the world they were celebrating. The blondes sheepishly looked at each
other, then confessed with pride beyond bounds... "Well, we just finished
a puzzle. The box said 2-3 years, but we finished it in just six months!"
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
This blonde wife decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides
to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband
is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms
in the house.
One day a blonde woman was driving down the road when she passed another
blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field.
A blond goes to the doctor and sez, "Doc, it's been a month since I
last saw you and I still feel terrible!" The doctor asks, "Did you follow
the instructions on the medicine I gave you?" "Yes," said the blond,
"It sez 'Keep Tightly Closed'"
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you
A dumb blond, a smart blond, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are all
sitting around a table with a pile of money in the center. Who gets
the money?..... The dumb blond. There is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the Easter Bunny or a smart blond.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a blonde. He notices that
she has 5 martini glasses with nothing left in them but olives sitting
in front of her. He says to her, "You know, five will make you dizzy?"
She replies "the price is right, but my name's Daisy."
An airplane was flying to New York when a blond passenger got out of
her seat in Coach and proceeded to sit down in the First Class Section.
The stewardess explained to her that her ticket was for Coach, and she
must sit in her assigned seat, but the blond only replied, "I'm blond
and I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York, and I'm going to sit where
I want!" The stewardess got the head steward to try to reason with the
blond, but once again she refused to move, saying, "I'm blond and I'm
beautiful and I'm going to New York, and I'll sit where I want!" The
steward got the co-pilot to talk to the woman, but with the same result.
Three women walk into a bar: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The
bartender asks the brunette, "What'll you have, hon?" The brunette replies,
"A B.L." The bartender scratches his head and says, "You know, I've
been tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a B.L. What
is it?" "A Bud Light, you moron!", exclaims the brunette. So the bartended
gets her a Bud Light.
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more
individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local
car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully
restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty
check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in
the wind, music blaring from the radio - what could possibly go wrong?
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead,
who would it be?"
Did you hear about the blond that called the fire department and said
that her house was on fire? She asked the fireman if he could send someone
to help her. The firemen said "sure, if you can tell us how to get there".
Three women were to be put to death for various crimes. The first woman,
a redhed, was asked if she had any last words. Seeing a chance to flee,
she yelled "tornado!!" The guards turned to look, and she escaped. When
the second woman was given the chance to speak, she screamed "flood!!"
She too escaped. Now it was time for the final woman, a natural blond.
After seeing how the previous girls had gotten away, she too tried her
hand at the trick. "Any last words?" the guard asked. The woman nodded
her head and called out "FIRE!" You can only guess what happened next.
Three blonde are stuck on an island. When one day they come upon a lamp.
One rubs it and a genie pops out. He says that he'll grant each of them
a wish. So the first blonde says, "I wish to be smart enough to get
off this island." So the genie turns her into a redhead and she swims
to the mainland. So the second says, "I wish I was smarter than her
and get off the island too." So the genie turns her into a brunette
and she builds a raft and rows to the mainland. The last blonde then
says, "Well I want to be smarter than the two of them and get off the
island." The genie says o.k. and turns her into a man and he walks across
the bridge.
A litle blonde girl comes home from school and exclaims, "Mommie! Mommie!
We had to recite the alphabet today and I was the only one in class
who got all the way from A to Z"
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were
A contractor finishing up a house is following around the new owner
to get the colors for the rooms. They stop in the first room and the
lady says "I'd like to have a nice off-white almost beige tome in here."
The contractor writes it down, walks over to the window and yells out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
A lovely blond young woman walked into a hair salon and asked for a
haircut. The hairdresser said, "Sure ma'am, but I'll have to ask you
to remove your walkman headphones." "No,"she answers, "Just cut around
it." The hairdresser is hesitant, but she insists, so he begins. He
does all right, but after about 15 minutes he gets frustrated, and just
gently picks them up off her head for a quick snip-snip---and boom,
she falls over dead. Horrified, he holds the earphones to his own ears
to see what it was that was so important, and he hears, "Breathe in,
breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail
storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving
it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should
do. The
One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving
her
A lady is visiting relatives in Texas when she decides to go to the
grocery store. She comes back to her car and gets in. After about 30
minutes, people begin to see her just setting in her car holding the
back of her head. Finally some comes over and asks her whats wrong.
She says that she has been shot in the back of the head and is holding
her brains in. She is to scared to start her car. When the ambulance
arrives, they find out that the heat made a biscuit can exploded making
a pop and the dough struck her in the back of the head. Yes, ladies
and gentlemen, this lady is a blonde.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter
at the gates to Heaven. St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter
the gates of Heaven you have to tell me what Easter is."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
Every nite on their honeymoon, just before they went to sleep the Blonde
wife would tell her husband, "If it starts to rain, wake me up".
What do you call a group of blond skydivers?
What did the Blond say when he opened a box of Cheerios?
Three blonds were driving on a vacation trip to Disneyland. At the end
of the interstate exit ramp was a sign reading, "Disneyland Left". So,
they went home!
A brunette comes hopping down a railroad track, chanting, "Twenty-one
... twenty-one ... twenty-one ..." A blonde watches the brunette hopping
ties and jumps on behind her, "Twenty-one ... twenty-one ... twenty-one
..."
A man bought his wife, a blond, a cell phone for Christmas. He showed
her how to use it and what each button did. Then one day he called her
to test it out. He asked her how the reception was, if there were any
problems with it; and she replied that she could hear him clearly; and
with no problems. "But", she said (pause) "How did you know I was at
Walmart?"
The two blonds were walking along when they saw some tracks. The first
said they looked liked deer tracks. The other said she was sure they
were moose tracks. They were still arguing about them when the train
hit them.
Two blondes walked ino a building-
Why was the blonds steering wheel covered in red lipstick?
The blond calls her friend to help her put the puzzle together. It's
suppose to look like a tiger but she can't get it to come out right.
The friend gets there, takes a look and says "Sorry hon, I can't get
this to look like a tiger either, now give up and put the Frosted Flakes
back in the box!!"
Did you hear about the blonde that went to the department store to return
a scarf.
A blonde and a brunette are watching the 6:00 news. The feature story
is about a man who is threatening to jump off a bridge. The brunette
says to the blonde, "I bet you $50 that he jumps!" The blonde replies,
"You're on." The story proceeds, and sure enough, the man jumps off
the bridge. Having lost the bet, the blonde forks over $50. The brunette
says, rather sheepishly, "I really can't accept your $50. I watched
the 5:00 news and the same story aired, so I already knew that he would
jump." The blonde says, "No, I insist you keep my money. I watched the
5:00 news too, and I didn't think he'd do it again!"
A blonde is down on her luck, so she decides to take drastic measures.
She goes to the local park to kidnap a child and ask for ransom. She
writes a note saying "leave 20,000 dollars behind the oak tree in the
park by 7 am tomorrow if you ever want to see your child again. Sincerely,
the Blonde." She pulls a little boy aside, pins the note to his jacket
and tells him to take it to his mommy. The next day, the blonde returns
to the oak tree to find a bag with 20,000 dollars in it and a note which
read, "Here's your money, but I can't believe one blonde would do this
to another." | | | | |
Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).
