FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW|
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding
in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack,
and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
william chappell, raleigh, nc
Tread lightly when your wife has sore feet because hell hath no fury
like a woman's corns.
Don Nelson, Tomah, Wi
Whats the differnce between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
The bad golfer goes whack! "damn" and the bad skydiver goes "damn" whack!
Mary Lane, Brownsburg , VA
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart
attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating
table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this
it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen
shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and a few other adjustments.
She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another
30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front
of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, I am sorry, but we don't serve food here.
George Baughman Jr., Ferndale, MI
While his parents are having desert a young lad picks up a coin laying
on the table and puts it in his mouth. Before his dad can warn him,
the child inadvertently swallows the coin and it jams in his windpipe.
The parents are frantic, screaming to the patrons that there son is
choking on a coin stuck in his windpipe. Can anyone help?
Four or five tables away from the commotion, a rather well dressed gentlemen
hears the pleas and after calmly taking a sip from his coffee and folding
his newspaper neatly, he stands and moves toward the child.
He then firmly grabs a handful of the boy's crotch and continues to
hold tightly while the lad heaves and in a final and violent convulsion
expells the coin onto the table. The man quietly returns to his table
and his newspaper and coffee.
The father, after determining that his son is not injured, begins to
thank the gentleman profusely. Not used to all this attention, the gentleman
"You saved my son's life, are you a doctor or perhaps a surgeon?"
"Oh, heavens no.... nothing like that. I work for the IRS."
Bob Felsher, Mint Hill, NC
The professor announced the topic for the final exam in Freshman English.
"You will write a short story developing the following four themes,
Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery. You have one and a half hours.
Go for it."
After only four minutes a student handed in his paper.
"You certainly can't be finished. I want you to pass this course. Don't
you want more time?" asked the prof.
"No Sir, it was an easy assignment and I gave it my all" replied the
The prof examined the paper which read:
"Holy Moses, the princess is pregnant. I wonder
who did it."
Marvin Demanzuk, Rogers, AR
So there's these 2 guys, one's named Jim and the other Earl. They owned
a bungee-jumping station, like you see at fairs. The business was a
little slow, so they decided to try to make it big in Mexico. They moved
to a city in Guadalajara, and after setting it up, Earl said, "let me
try it first, to see if it'll work ok." So he gets all ready, and jumps
off the tower. Moments later, he rockets back to the top, but Floyd
tried to catch him, and missed. But he noticed that Earl had a few bumps
& bruises on him. Earl flew back up, and Floyd missed again. This time,
he noticed that he had several new cuts and new bruises. Finally, on
the third trip back up, Floyd caught him & hauled him onto the platform.
"What happened; was the cord too long?"
"No, the cord was fine," said a nearly dead Earl.
"But why all the injuries?"
"Have you ever heard of a pinata?"
David Sorrell, Poplar Bluff, MO
A First Grade teacher told her class they could draw anything they liked,
as the teacher looked over the shoulder of one of her students, she
asked: "What are you drawing?" The little girl replied: "God." "But."
said the teacher, "no one knows what God looks like." Well, they will
in a minute," piped the little girl!
Sally Loftw, Minnieapolis, MN
Q. Why is it that cannibals will not eat circus clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
David Snyder, Norman, OK
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Rick Higgs, New Palestine, IN
A farmer bought a new mule. When he got it home he could not get it
in the barn because the mules ears were so long they were hitting above
the door. The farmer got some chalk and a saw, drew the outline of the
ears on the barn and started to saw them out. At this point the farmers
neighbor drove into the barnyard and asked the farmer what he was doing.
When the farmer explained about the long ears the neighbor said " why
you darn fool, why don't you get a shovel and dig out under the door?"
The farmer replied, "you're the darn fool, not me". "why is that?" inquired
the neighbor. "Because it's his ears that are too long, not his legs"
Michael Kraatz, Canaan, NH
A little boy comes home from school and say, "Mom, what's sex?" The
mother was following the rules that say when they need to know about
sex, they will ask. So she told the little boy all about sex. The little
boy produces a paper and says, "Wow, how do they expect you to get all
that in this little box!"
Charlie Colliver, Columbus, OH
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying,
and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs
frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser
at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for
a couple of hours."
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot
cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived
two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the
coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much
of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee,
until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he
continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to
the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge
couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the
clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some
coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in
when I get outside your office."
David Schauer, St. Petersburg, FL
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The
three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man
told the others,
"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend
a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multiline
dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes,
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker
and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about
our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son
is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing
job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a
house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
David Schauer, St. Petersburg, FL
Max and Joe had locked their keys inside the car.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?", Max
asked. "No,"answered Joe,"people will think we're trying to break in."
Max though about it and said "What if we use my pocketknife to cut around
the rubber and then we can pull up the lock?" No,"said Joe, people will
think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." "Well," said Max," we'd
better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof
Max and Joe Guncheon, Kaneohe, HI
Q- How deep is a frog pond?
A- knee-deep, knee-deep
This was my seven year old son's first joke. He told it for months.
Lin Bredenfoerder, Sheffield, MA
A sunday school teacher asks her children, "Where does God live?" One
child responds, "God lives in our bathroom." The teacher replies, "Oh
child whatever made you think God lives in your bathroom? Child says,
"Well every morning my Dad pounds on the bathroom door and yells, 'God
are you still in there?' "
Jonathan Anderson, Minneapolis, MN
Why was 6 afraid?
Because 7 8 9.
Henry Wells, Rochester, NY
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: The same middle name !
Jon Steel, Kenwood, CA
A Jewish (doesn't have to be Jewish, but the accent works best for the
punchline!) grandmother walks down the street, pushing her grandson
in a stroller. Another woman walks by and says, "Oh, what a beautiful
baby!" The grandmother says, "This is nothing - you should see his pictures!"
Jurgen Vsych, Los Angeles, CA
A nervous passenger, about to board a small commuter plane, stops and
asks the pilot, "how often do these things crash?"
"Usually only once", responds the pilot.
David Chappell, Fresno, CA
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He
talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just
can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they
take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't
handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Sharon Devol, Canyon Country, CA
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here
are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace
Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to
become Knott NOW.
Sharon Devol, Canyon Country, CA
This man walks into the doctor's office with a frog attached to the
top of his head. The doctor asks: "Good grief man! What happened to
your head?" To which the frog replied "my head feels great, but this
wart on my butt is killing me!"
Bruce Mave, Virginia Beach, Va
Why did the peach take the raisin to the Movie?
He Couldn't get a date.
Cleve Breckenridge, Rockville, MD
The Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year
old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Go get your mother."
Steve Smith, Jefferson City, MO
A mother took her six year old son to see a ballet show for the first
time. When the ballet ended she asked her young son how he liked it.
He quickly replied, "If they'd just get taller people, it would be alot
easier on everybody."
Paula Fox, Plainfield, IN
"A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,
and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...
He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking
that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know
Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Georgia Roxon, Shaftsbury, VT
A Frenchman with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "Wow, that's really neat. Where did you get him?" The parrot replies,
"In France! They've got millions of 'em over there."
Sarah Wells, Charlottesville, VA
Down at the race track two horses are talking after their races. The
first horse says "I tell ya, I got a bad start today. I was in the back
for most of the race, when suddenly as we neared the finish line Woosh
from behind and I won." Hearing this, the second horse replies "The
same thing happened to me today. I had no hope of winning when woosh
from behind and I won." A racing dog is walking past and overhears the
conversation. The dog says to the horses "Ya know, I was chasing that
rabbit around the track today and I thought I was gonna loose for sure
when woosh from behind and I won." The first horse turns to the second
horse and says "Holy Crap, the dog can talk!"
Daniel Moritz, Waterford, NY
Here's two Jokes and a limerick to consider:
1. The Irish Brothers
A man walked into a Pub in County Cork one evening and sat by himself.
When the barmaid stopped by his table to take his order he said, “I’ll
have three pints of Guinness, and I’ll have them all at the same time.”
The man then proceeded to sip from one glass, then the second, then
the third, slowly drinking the three pints of Guinness at the same time.
The next night the man did exactly the same thing, ordering three pints
of Guinness and drinking them together.
On the third night, after the man placed his order, the Publican
stopped at the man’s table. “Good Sir,” said the Publican, “ this is
the third night now you’ve honored my establishment, but I have to tell
you that the regulars have become a little curious about your drinking
habits. It’s not that you order three pints of Guinness– it’s that you
drink them all at once.”
“You see, it’s me two brothers,” said the man. “They have left Ireland
to try their fortunes in America, and before they left we made a pact
to share a pint with each other whenever we could, and so one pint is
for me and two are for me brothers.”
This habit continued for many weeks, until one night the man walked
into the Pub and said to the barmaid, “I’ll have two pints of Guinness,
and I’ll have them both at the same time.”
Soon everyone was aware of the change in the man’s habit and discussed
it with the Publican, who decided to talk to the man.
“These many nights now,” said the Publican, “you have honored me and
my business with your patronage, and indeed, you’ve become a regular.
And on behalf of the assembly here tonight, I’d just like to express
our mutual condolences on the demise of your poor brother.”
“I appreciate your kind words,” said the man, “but to the best of my
knowledge my brother’s are both fine and doing well in America.. I don’t
understand your concern.”
“Well,” said the Publican, “until tonight you have always ordered two
extra pints to share with your brothers, and when you ordered just one
extra tonight, we feared for the worst.”
“Oh, is it that, is it?” said the man. “It’s not me brothers– it’s
meself. You see, today is Ash Wednesday, and I’ve given up beer for
2. The Transatlantic Flight
The flight, on a DC 9, was scheduled to take six hours. As luck would
have it, just past the mid point of the ocean an engine flares and goes
out. A number of passengers happen to see the event and everyone in
the cabin is rather alarmed, until the captain comes on the intercom
to tell people about the event and to reassure them that the plane can
fly fine on the remaining three engines but that the trip will be lengthened
another two hours. Not twenty minutes later the same thing happens to
jet on the other side of the plane. Again the captain reassures the
passengers of their safety but that the flight will now be lengthened
by two more hours. All is well for the next hour and a half, until a
third engine flares out. The captain tells everyone that while this
is unusual, he is unconcerned, the airplane can fly on one engine if
it has too, but that the flight will now be delayed four additional
hours on top of all the previous delays. At an attempt to reassure people,
he tells them that it has never happened that all four engines went
out on the same flight.
"I sure hope so," said one passenger, "because at the rate of these
delays, if another engine goes out we'll be up here forever."
3. A heathen homebrewer from Calcutta
Makes beer in a sacred cow's utter.
He tried making wine'
But it took so much time'
That his beaujalais churned into butter!
Sam Piper, Laguna Hills, CA
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route
290. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"
Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI
An anteater walks into a bar and says that he'd like a
"Okay," says the bartender. "How about a beer?"
"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o," replies the anteater.
"Then how about a gin and tonic?"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "Hey, listen
buddy, if you don't mind me asking - why the long no's?"
Carolyn Kelly, Columbia, SC
So ... Did ya hear about the cowboy who walked into the saloon in an
outfit made entirely of paper?
Yeah, they hanged him for rustlin'.
Ken Shaw, New York, NY
A man is dressing after a doctor appointment. The doctor says, "I have
good news and bad news. You have one day to live."
"Oh, no!" says the man. "What's the good news?"
"That WAS the good news. The bad news is I was supposed to tell you
Donald Van Deusen, Troy, NY
For some reason, I seem to have a lot of rabbit jokes. Here are a few--
*** What do you call a bunch of rabbits holding hands and walking backwards?
- A receding hare-line!
*** What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
- Hot, cross bunnies!
For those of you old enough to remember Westinghouse fridges:
*** Did you hear the one about the guy who found a rabbit in his icebox?
He opened his icebox, and there was this rabbit sitting in the middle
of it. "What are you doing in my icebox?!" the befuddled man asked.
The rabbit replied, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Well," the rabbit said matter-of-factly, "I'm westing."
Eamonn Walker, Baton Rouge, LA
Why doesn't the ocean flow all over the land?
Because it's tide.
tina garber, Merced, , CA
Age: 11Picture an old western town. Saloon at the end of the street,
noisy lunch hour, tiny player-piano in the background, raucous laughter,
when in through the batwing doors comes a giant panda bear. The room
is suddenly hushed in amazement. The panda goes to the bar and says,
"Gimme some food! NOW!" The barkeep shakily hands over a plate of what
ever he's got handy; the panda takes it to a table and devours it messily.
Then he gets up, and quick as a wink turns to the nearest man and shoots
him, then heads for the door. The barkeep sputters, "Bbbbut Mmmr. Bear
sir, why'd you shoot him? What'd he ever do to you?" The panda snarls
derisively over his shoulder at the man, "I'm a panda you dullard! Look
it up!" and disapears as suddenly as he came. The barkeep and several
of his patrons go to the dictionary kept in the back office and look
up Panda Bear. They read the definition, and nod to each other: "Panda
Bear: a large mammal native to Asia. Eats shoots and leaves."
Lisa Engstrom, Menlo Park, CA
My son and I were recently in Mobile, Alabama at the wharves when we
spied a rather haggard old gentlemen who happened to have a peg leg,
a hook for and arm, and an eyepatch. My 5 year old didn't hesitate one
minute to ask the old tar what happened???? I was quite embarrassed
and exclaimed "Son, that's not appropriate at all!".....but the old
sailor stopped me and said "No, no...it's quite all right.....I'll tell
With me leg....it was off the coast of Austrailia on the Great Barrier
Reef when a tremendous squall almost sank our ship and as I laboured
to save her I was washed overboard by a smashing wave and into the mouth
of a hungry shark........I escaped with me life but that old shark....he,
he, took me leg with him I'm afraid.
My son, of course, asked about the hook. Again, I said SONNN! The old
gentleman stopped me again and said...no its quite all right the young
boy is merely curious. "It was off the coast of Morocco in 1915 when
me freighter was boarded by a band of ruthless marauders....the fighting
grew fierce and hand to hand........I was accosted from behind and turned
and caught the sharp blade of the cutlass above the wrist. Fortuitously,
we won the battle and I was taken to the infirmary and managed to survive
less me hand....and in its place....this dreadful hook.
Of course my son to finish off asked about his eye....I made no attempt
to stop him....
Harrr! the eye.......was around the Horn, we sailed, I was in the crow's
nest keeping watch for the treacherous rocks when a bloody seagull appeared
from out of nowhere headed straight for me...........startled I was
and the bird pooped right in me eye as he flew over, damn him............
Gee Mr. after all those other dreadful experiences...you mean a little
seagull poop cost you your eye?????
Sheepishly, the old salt replied " Well, yes laddie,,,you see it was
me first day with the hook.
The End (finally)
Frog Palmer, Cordova, AL
A man was sitting next to a table where a woman was dining. Every time
the waiter would pass by, she complained about the air-conditioning.
First she was too hot and wanted it turned up. Then she was too cold
and wanted it turned down. Each time, the waiter smiled politely and
nodded, then walked away briskly.
After a half an hour of listening to this litany of yo-yo complaints,
the man could stand it no longer. He cornered the waiter and fairly
shouted, "Why don't you just throw her out of here! She's impossible.
Aren't you sick of all that running around?
The waiter just smiled as he turned to delivery another tray of food,
"No trouble, really — we don't have an air-conditioner."
Maggy Michaels, Fountain Hills, AZ
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there?
They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA
"In English," the linguistics professor instructed his class, "a double
negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian,
a double negative is still a negative.
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive
can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA
One frog croaks to another,
"Time's fun when you're having flies".
Jon Steel, Kenwood, CA
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Answer: He wanted to get a long
Chuck Coffey, Indianapolis, IN
A termite walked into a tavern and asked, "Is the bartender here?"
John Dykstra, Holland, MI
Ed: "Did ya hear what happened to the lady who backed into
the airplane propeller?"
Patrick Flahive, Azusa, CA
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!
Amy Neto, Sacramento, CA
What does a cow drive to a date? A MOOOOOOstang!!!!!!! What does Pacman
say at bedtime? Dad i'm afraid of the ghost's.
What does a dragon say when he goes on a date? You're hot.
Peter Sauls, Winston,salem, nc
What did OBE WAN KANOBE say to Luke when he tried to eat cake with his
fingers? Use the fork, Luke, the fork
Andy Sauls, Winston,salem, nc
Do you want to hear a dirty joke? What happens to a white horse when
it falls into a mud puddle? It gets dirty! What happens to a white horse
when it falls into a really big mud puddle? It gets even dirtier!
Julia Glick, Evanston, IL
So, there was this man in a red converitble driving down the highway
with two penguins in the backseat of his car. A cop pulled him over
and said "hey, did you know that you have two penguins in the backseat
of your car?" the man replies "yeah, I know! what should I do with them?"
The police responds "well, I think that you should take them to the
zoo. The next day the policeman's on duty and he sees the same car driving
down the highway and he still had the two penguins in his car. The policeman
pulled him over again and said "hey, didnt I tell you to take these
penguins to the zoo?" The man replies "We did, today we're going to
Sarah Levine, Evanston, IL
What do you get when you cross a homing pigeon and a
Fred Burgess, Trafalgar , IN
A fisherman was in a bar bragging about the 3 foot walleye he’d caught.
A local, who had been sitting at the bar, and was feeling no pain, began
telling of his last fishing trip to Minnesota. Their guide had told
them that the best fishing was at night: so in the dark, they loaded
the boat with tackle and that important fishing aid – beer - and headed
out. This fellow said that when they were getting ready to throw the
anchor line out, it became tangled with the kerosene lantern and the
lantern fell into the lake, but it never stopped burning. They came
back for 3 more nights and that lantern was still burning!. The walleye
fisherman said, “That’s impossible – that lamp can’t burn without oxygen
underwater for 3 days.” And the local replied…. “you take 12 inches
off that fish and I’ll bring that lantern up sooner.”
kathy patterson, carmel, in
Have you ever seen the bird that hides from dumb people
Tim Ross, St pete, FL
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Dale Moore, Lawton, MI
A chicken walks into the library, hops up onto the librarians desk,
and says, "Bok!". The librarian, confused, stares at the chicken when
the chicken again says, "Bok!", hops down, and walks over to the book
shelves and pecks a book. So the librarian pulls one out for the chicken
and tucks it under his wing. The chicken walks out the door.
The next day the chicken returns to the library, again hops up on the
desk, drops the book from the previous day, and says, "Bok, bok!". The
librarian, catching on, takes two books off of the shelves and tucks
both under the chickens wing. Out goes the chicken once again.
The following day, the chicken again returns,drops his books on the
desk, and says, "Bok, bok, bok!". By now the librarian is more than
a little curious, so after giving the chicken his three books, she decides
to follow him at a safe distance. Carefully, she ventures out through
the front door, across the parking lot and down to the little park.
Here, the chicken walks down to the edge of a pond and shows his three
books to a frog, who says, "Read-it, read-it, read-it!".
Jeri Crawford, Antelope, CA
What do you use to fix a broken tomato?
Vicki Westergard, St. Petersburg, FL
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be
Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington
Q. What has 8 eyes and 8 legs?
A. 8 pirates
Robert Mitchell, Boston, MA
A little boy answered the phone and a salesman asked if he could speak
to his mother? The little boy whispered "no she is busy." The salesman
then asked if he could speak to his father? The little boy whispered
"no he is busy." The salesman then asked if anyone else was there? the
little boy whispered "there is a policeman and four fireman." The salesman
asked if he could speak to one of them? The little boy whispered "no
they are busy." The salesman asked "what are they doing?' The little
boy whispered "looking for me."
Mark Roodhouse, Shawnee, KS