CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory

VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data but forgets where it is stored

MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS Deletes all old files

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Disks can no longer be inserted

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of Lewinsky virus) Your whole computer goes down

DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes Goofy

PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS Only attacks minor files

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it-through Windows

Robert Tisdale, Blue Ridge, GA

Minnesotan's Guide to Computer Lingo

BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's adwances
LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot
COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy
FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right
RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork
DRIVE: how you get home ven da snow's not too deep
HARD DRIVE: dats vhen you're going to Dalute vhen da snow's deep
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: vhen ya come on in!
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out
SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Vikings game
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone
MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly
DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix's vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vher ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utinsils
HARDWARE: vhen da missus starches da undervare
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof
SERIAL PORT: vhere da vheaties come from by boat to Dalute
RANDOM ACCESS
MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da missus asks about it

William Pearson, Mexico, MO

It seems that a fire has been burning underground at a coal in Kentucky for several years, but some copraliths(petrified dinosaur dung) have been discovered there recently. This means the fire has to be put out for science, but it is extremely expensive. Fortunely, it is being funded by the "Endangered Feces Act".

Will Elton, Napa, CA

Three engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God must be.

The electrical engineer says “God has to be an electrical engineer – just look at the human body’s nervous system.”

The mechanical engineer says “Nah, God is a mechanical engineer. Only a great mechanical engineer could design the body’s joints and muscles.”

The civil engineer smiles and says “You guys are both wrong. I know God is a civil engineer – who else would put a waste disposal line right through a great recreation area?”

Jonathan Spencer, Newton, MA

A professor of mathematics at the local university sent the following fax to his wife:

"Dear Wife:
You must, of course, realize that you are 57 years old and are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and sincerely hope you will not be offended or hurt to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old student teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight. Sincerely, Your Husband"

By the time he got to the hotel with the young lady, there was a faxed letter waiting for him. It read:

"Dear Husband:
You too are 57 years old. By the time you receive and read this letter, I will be at the Break Away Motel with the 19-year-old pool boy. As you are the mathematician, I'm sure you realize that 19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife"

Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL

MAYBE THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!!!!

Albert Einstein and Enrico Fermi agree to meet
for lunch. Albert gets to the restaurant first and
selects a table. A few minutes later Enrico walks in
and sees Eintein sitting at the table. He approaches
him and says, "What's new?" Einstein responds,
"Omega over Sigma!"

John Tyson, Baltimore, MD

There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count, and those who can't.

Eric Pearson, Huntington Woods, MI

Rene Des Cartes walks into a bar and sits down. The waitress walks up to him and says, "Can I get you a drink?" He says, "I think not," and he disappears.

Rebecca Stephany, Williamson, NY

So, have you heard the joke about the Top Ten Favorite Luddite Websites?

John Lyons, Madison, WI

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a martini.
When the bartender hands him the drink, the neutron
asks, "How much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

Minnesotan's/Norwegian's guide to computer terminology

LOG ON: Making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your bare foot in da mornin
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: com on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 degrees below 0
SCREEN: vhat is a must during mosquito season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during da Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Sven Matrix's vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna that holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da vife asks about it.

Ken Schiff, Union City, CA

Three engineers were in a car when they came to a light and stopped. The motor sputtered and choked a bit and then died. The chemical engineer said, "I think it's not getting enough gas. Maybe we ought to check the fuel line." The electrical engineer said, "No, it sounded to me like it's not getting enough juice. Maybe we ought to check the plugs." The third, a systems engineer said, "Why don't we all get out of the car, and then get back in again, and see if it won't start up."

Scott Robertson, Santiago, CHILE

How many evolutionary scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ans: None. Given enough time and random chance events, the lightbulb will screw itself in.

Jamie Maxfield, Boston, MA

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Qwilleran O'Sullivan, Sheboygan, WI

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace
a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

A limerick:

A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.

[DDT is easier to say, but it doesn't rhyme.]


Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

Two Ions are walking together, and the first one says to the other, "I think I'm missing something."

The second Ion responds, "Really, what could you be missing?"

The first Ion says, "I think I'm missing an elecrtron."

"Really," asks the second, "are you sure?"

"Yes!" resonds the first, "I'm POSITIVE!"

Joey Reynolds, Conroe, TX
Age: 18