A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Mark Fischer, Wilmington, IL

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The
balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Mark Fischer, WIlmington, IL

A lawyer spent a full day in consultation with his client, an elderly widow. Following their meeting he billed her for $1,000. The dear lady received the bill, and, misreading it, promptly sent a check for $10,000.

The lawyer was faced with that ethical dilemma: Should he tell his partner about the extra $9,000?

Jim Batteau, Charles City, VA

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal the following are questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and their responses:

1. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

2. The youngest son, the 21 year old, how old is he?

3. Were you present when your picture was taken?

4. Were you alone or by yourself?

5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed?

6. Did he kill you?

7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?

9. How many times have you committed suicide?

10. So, the date of the conception of the baby was August 8th!
A. Yes
Q. What were you doing at that time?

11. She had three children, right? How many were boys?
A. None
Q. Were there any girls?

12 You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

13. You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A. I went to Europe.
Q. And you took your new wife?

14. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

15. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male or a female?

16. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No this is how I dress when I go to work.

17. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

18. All your responses must be oral, OK. What school did you go to?
A. Oral

19. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

20. You were not shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
21. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. I have been since early childhood.

22. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No
Q. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A. It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

A Mafia Godfather and his attorney are meeting with an accountant who has embezzled money from the mob. The Godfather demands to know where it is.

The attorney interrupts, "Godfather, remember, this man is a deaf mute. But I know sign language." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney says "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the accountant's head, and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney says "He claims you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Susan Harrison, Nunnelly, TN

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

The dog has skid marks in front of it.

Toby Schwartzman Schwartzman, Cooperstown, NY
Age: 13

It's 99% of lawyers that give the rest of them a bad name.

Judy Wright, Lincoln, NE

A lawyer is killed in an auto accident. When he gets to heaven, Saint Peter runs up to him, shakes his hand vigorously, and says "Congratulations, we are all so proud of you."

"For what?" The lawyer asks.

"For what! You managed to live longer than anyone else since biblical times. You're somewhat of a hero up here."

The lawyer shakes his head and says "There must be some mistake."

"No mistake" says Saint Peter, "you lived to be 160 years old."

"But I was only 40 when I died" says the lawyer.

Saint Peter looks at him and says "Not according to your time sheets."

John Pierce, Brazil, IN

A blind baby bunny & snake run into each other in the forest. "what are we" the bunny asked. "Let's feel each other & see if we can find out.The snaked wrapped himself around the bunny and said"U R fuzzy,soft and warm,i think U R a bunny."OH,a bunny's a good thing to be. Now you.' The bunny felt the snake and said "You're cold,slimy and have no back, I think your a lawyer"

Marianne Buck, Apple Valley,Ca, CA

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were
discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest
to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside
is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest
to operate on. You open them up and everything inside
is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.
You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.
They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads
and their butts are interchangable."

Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

A lawyer pulled up to a self service gas station in his pampered BMW and opens his door to step out, coincidely, at this exact moment a large mac truck drove by, taking off the BMW's door at the hinges. By the time the gas station attendent arrived ot the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down in rage many using words not permitted in courts of law, and many more common lawyer words, such as "sue" and "bastards." " Disgusting!" says the attendent, "I'd always heard that you lawyers were materialistic but this cinches it! Did you realize that the truck took off your arm as well as your precious BMW's door?" "WHAT!" screamed the lawer, looking at the bleeding stump of his left arm. "MY ROLEX!"

Ben McCandless, Wrangell, AK
Age: 18

Terrorists invade a state bar association meeting and hold all the lawyers there hostage. they send a note to the mayor. "we want $5 million and a helicopter. if you fail to meet these demandswe will release one lawyer every hour until you do."

ps I AM a lawyer

timothy travis, Portland, OR

What is brown and black and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

Vinnie DiBona, Merced, CA

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
A sperm has a 1 in 10 million chance of becoming a human being.

Pat MacManus, Marietta, GA

Drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and says in a loud voice, "Lawyers are assholes!" At this, a very large guy jumps off his stool at the end of the bar and starts toward the drunk. His face gets bright red and the veins on his neck start protruding like ropes. With fists clenched, he says to the drunk, "You're gonna take that back!" The drunk, looking shaken, says, "Are you an attorney?" The guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

Robert Ullrich, Ithaca, NY

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, sorry,
you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and starts designing and building improvements.
After awhile, they've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is
a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and
says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there
in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going
great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on
the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send
him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right. And just where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"


Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

How many accountants are there in Heaven?
Ans: I don't know, they're still a-ccounting them.

Analuz Duran, San Antonio, TX

Two Law students were walking across campus. One says to the other "I'm suing my way through Law School."

Marvin Demanzuk, Rogers, AR

How was copper wire invented? By two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.

For some the glass is half full, for some the glass is half empty but for engineers the glass is simply twice the required size.

Marcus Brown, Portland, CT

What do you call parachuting lawyers?

Skeet

Alice Schmid, Pasadena, CA

My father is one of the good lawyers. He is currently suing a tanning salon for refusing to hire an albino.

paul mitchem, Johnson City , TN

A traveler is in a European city and visits an antique shop. He sees a gold rat and asks the shopkeeper the price. The shopkeeper answers, "it is $2000 without the story, and $3000 with the story". The traveler says he will take the rat, but he doesn't care about the story. He pays for the gold rat, the shopkeeper wraps it, and the traveler leaves. While walking back to his hotel, he notices, after passing an alley, about 50 rats running behind him. He passes another alley and now 200 rats are behind him. He passes a third alley and the rat total is up to 500. He then crosses a bridge over a canal and throws the box containing the gold rat into the canal. All 500 rats follow the box into the canal and they all drown. The traveler turns around and walks back to the antique shop. The shopkeeper greets him with, "Ah, you came back for the story!" The traveler responds with, "no, I just wondered if you had any gold lawyers.

Gene Garland, Elida, OH

What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.