Joke Submissions

More Cute Jokes...sort of

Q: "What does the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hot Dog Vendor?"
A: "Make me one with everything."
Soooooo, the hot dog vendor makes him the Hot Dog. The Monk gives him a $20 bill. The vendor puts it in his cash drawer and closes the drawer. The Monk says,"Where's my change?" The hot dog vendor says,
"Change must come from within."

Rhonda Palmer, Dallas, TX

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

Dr. Suess: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road!
But why it crossed, I've not been told.

Ernest Hemmingway: To die! In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was Gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay, and, if you eat chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

Ken Starr: In intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obscruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity, provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional and follow-up investigations have been completed (we also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alledging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any usseful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers).

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Moulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Freud: The fact that you all are concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by Chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Kenneth Rowe, Irving, TX

Who came up with the idea for the Round Table?
Sir Cumfrence

Anna Weber, Hershey, PA
Age: 13


1. Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability
to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least
a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow
it will 'remove' all the germs.

4. Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the

6. Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want ground pepper.

8. Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window
after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick
it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Mark Fischer, Wilmington, IL

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Mark Fischer, Wilmington, IL

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door. The door opens, and there stands a 12 year old boy wearing a tutu, with a martini in one hand and a cigar in the other. The salesman asks, "Is your mom or dad home?"
The kid answers,"What do you think?"

Casey Brefka, Hudson, OH
Age: 13

A Rabbi, a priest and a shaman walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

David Palmer, Laurel, MD

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word as an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will immediately correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "by the way... May I ask what the chicken did?"

Jim Pennington, Atlanta, GA

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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