A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Two Irish lads, brothers don't you know, are walking home from school one day. Patrick says to Noel "Now that I'm thirteen I think I'll be cursing." Noel says "Do you now? And what will you be saying then? "Michael says "I think I'll be saying HELL! And you ought to be cursing your own self, Noel"." Well then, Patrick and what should I be saying.?" "You should be saying FAT ASS."

So, they cntinue on down the lane ,Patrick saying things like "What the hell was that?" Noel answering "It was a fat ass cow!" They laughed til they cried. Arriving home, they kept quiet about their new-found pastime. The next morning they tumbled into the kitchen and their Mum said "Morning boys-now what'll you be having for breakfast then?" Patrick said "Oh, what the hell, I guess I'll be having some eggs." His mother smacked him on the face with the back of her hand and he flew off the stool. "So," she said to Noel, "and what will you be having this morning darlin boy ?" Noel replied, wide-eyed, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be eggs.!!"

Cindy Hallenbeck, Glastonbury, CT

Did you hear about the Norwegian who bought a new toilet brush?

It worked great, but after about 4 days he changed back to paper

Rob Molskness, Bismarck, ND

Why is it highly unlikely that Jesus Christ could have been born in Sweden ?

It would have proved impossible to drum up three wise men and a virgin.

Oddbjorn Olsen, N-1540, Vestby, CA

Two Polish airline pilots were about to make their first landing at an American airport. Carefully, they came in over the runway and descended. As soon as the wheels touched the ground, they put on full reverse thrust and applied the brakes as hard as they could until the plane had skidded to a stop. As both of them sat in a sweat, one pilot turned to the other."Boy, these American runways are short," he said, "But they sure are wide!"

Austin Lenahan, Joseph, OR

What do you call a one-legged Polack?

A Polaroid one step.

Timothy Engle, Richmond, Va

What do you call a greasy Norwegian?

-- Oleo!

Diane Schroeder, Edina, MN

What's Irish and spends all day long sitting out on your deck?
Answer: patio furniture

Jim Allert, Knife River, MN

How can tell if a redneck is married?

Tobbaco stains on both sides of the pickup.

Mark Malm, Bismarck, ND

Didja hear the one about the Norwegian Lutheran who loved his wife sooo much... that he told her.

Scott Paulson, Chapel Hill, NC

Sol and Abe have been partners in the garment industry for years. One night they decide to go have dinner and see a show. Just befoe the first act begins Sol slaps his forhead and says, "Oy, I forgot to lock the safe before we left the office."
Calmly Abe says, "Vhat's to worry, we'e both here."

Richard Yurch, Edison , NJ

Did ya hear about the Irishman they sent to London
to blow up a bus?

Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Tim Kinnel, Boston, MA

Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?" "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my
sister. Who vas it?" "Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?" "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

cleve wilson, dana point, ca

Why did the Norwegian bachelor farmer take a piece of sandpaper to the desert?
He needed a map.

Jan Lindquist, Stratford, CT

Two Norwegians are hiking in the woods and find a set of tracks. The first says "Those are deer tracks", and the sencond one says, "No, those are bear tracks". Well the argument got so heated that they didn't notice the oncoming train until too late.

Why are Polish people buried with their butt sticking out of the ground?

Answer: So they can be used for bicycle racks.

Mary Hoot, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio

A Jewish man and Scotsman came upon a chair for sale. When noting the price, the Jewish man said "I can get it for less than that price." Where upon the Scotsman replied "I can live without it."

Lisa Weber, Hudson, NH

An Irishman Walks into the bar, sits down and sees an oil lamp beside him. He rubs it and a genie pops out. He says "I will grant you Three Wishes. What is your first one?" The irishman says, "Hmm..I'd like a Pint of Ale that will never be empty" and POOF! It appears before him. He takes a drink and empties the glass, and the glass fills up again. He drinks and empties the glass again, and it fills up again. The Genie says, "What are your other two wishes?" The irishman says, "Hmmm...Give me two more pints like this one"

Joshua Widdowson, Indiana, PA
Age: 18