FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions

Old Folks Jokes

A young man was running through Central park when he noticed a very old man crying on a park bench. He stopped and asked if he could help the old man. The old man told him that he was married for 47 years & that his wife passed away 2 yeas ago. He said last year he married a 27 year old woman & that they make love 3 times a night. The young man responded, "why are you crying?" The old man responded, "I forgot where I lived!"

Richard rucinski, Crown Point, In


An elderly couple, both avid golfers, were killed in an automobile accident. Upon entering heaven, they find beautiful golf courses with perfect fairways. The greens are made of velvet, the water hazards are crystal clear, and the sand traps are made of gold dust. As they finish the eighteenth hole, the man is two under par although he never broke 90 on earth. The woman, who never broke 100, is surprised to find herself one under par. He looks at her and says, "you and your bran muffins! We could've been here ten years ago!"

Kay Crouch, Lenoir, NC


Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home,asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same old shirt you wore yesterday and the same old pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,"Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was
hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?
'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"
Bessie replies, " You shoulda bought a hat!"

leeana lanning, eaton, co



Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting in a Catskill hotel lobby, people-watching. "You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this "Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

"No," says Esther, "I think we had Allstate."

Anders Knospe, Claremont, CA



Question passing around the nurses-aids at the rest home
"what does an old women have between her brests"? Her navel!!

Amy Crawford, Monmouth , OR



Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He
said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your
left ear?
"I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at
it.
Then said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know
where my hearing aid

Henry Erenz, New Berlin, WI
 


A doctor making his rounds at a rest home decides to check out the cognitive skills off three old men living there with a simple math question.

He asks the first old man, "What is 3+2?"
The old man thinks a moment then responds, "257."

The doctor asks the second man, "What is 3+2?"
The second old man ponders a moment and says, "Tuesday."

The doctor then turns to the third old man and asks, "What is 3+2?"
The third old man blurts, "Five!"

The impressed doctor says, "Good! Now how did you deduce that?"
The third old man says, "It was easy. I just subtracted 257 from Tuesday!"

Steve Voigt, Everett, WA


In nursing homes now, the nursing staff gives the male patients cocoa and Viagra right before bedtime. The cocoa helps them fall asleep and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Mary Drake, Franklin, TN



1. Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joes ear. He said, "Joe, did you knnow you have a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he smiled and said, "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

2. Do you know why they give Viagra to old men in nursing homes? To keep them from rolling out of bed at night.

Linda Jean, Bloomington, IN


An elderly woman, after painstaking discussions and much
thought, decides to place her husband in a nursing home.
The two of them go to the local home to visit. The husband is seated in a comfortable chair to watch the television while his wife talks to the director of the home and takes a tour. At one point, the elderly man starts to lean slowly to his left. A nurse notices this and rushes over to him. She places a pillow on his left side. A few moments later, he begins to lean slowly to his right. The nurse again rushes over and this time places a pillow on his right side. Shortly after this, his wife returns from the tour. "What do you think?" She asks him. He replies, "I don't know about this place, they won't let me pass gas!"


A teenager climbs on a city bus. The kid has spiked hair colored green, yellow, and orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on. His entire face and body are riddled with piercing jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright, yellow, and adorned with colored feathers.

The young fellow sits down in a vacant seat, which happens to be directly across the aisle from an old man who stares at the kid for the next ten miles.

Finally, the self-conscious kid yells out, "What are you looking at, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?
Without so much as blinking, the old man replies, "Well, yes, I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.
I've just been sitting here thinking that you might be my son."
Fran Beall, Bogart, GA


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy