A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these 2 girls on the string, Lena and Olga who live together in an apartment. One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk, Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?" Sven says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf, lets go ask em!". So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door, Lena answers and says "Vell Ole and Sven, come on in!" Ole no more than gets in the door when he says "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us"....Lena is upset by this and throws them both out slamming the door on them. Ole is persistant, knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid, knows it's Ole and says: "Ole if you are gonna be so forward you'll have to talk through the keyhole". So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?" Lena is really upset now she drops her pants backs up to the keyhole and breaks wind...Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven says: "Vell Ole vat did she say?" Ole says: "Vell, I tink she said TOOOSDAY...but her breath is bad and I'm not askin again."

William Pearson, Mexico, MO

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he
walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said
"Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew
that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go
in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard
dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat.
All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and
combine."

Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Brent Ash, Vienna, wv

Ole and his wife Lena are strolling along a country road in northern Minnesota. They notice a human head lying along the side of the road. Lena picks it up, holds it up in the air and says, "Hey, that looks like Sven?" Ole replies, "Can't be, he wasn't that tall."

Mitch Kessler, Latham, NY

It's that time of year again, and Swen and Ole face
the nasty chore of cleaning out the old out house.

Sven, though, has been thinking about how to make
the job a little easier this year, so he suggests
that they might use some dynamite placed and timed
just right.

Sven and Ole get some dynamite and they place some
of it around the base of the out house, and light
the fuse for it. Then they quickly light the fuse
for the rest of it and drop it down the hole. Of
course, at this point the run for cover.

As they sit protected from their plans, Lena bursts
out through the kitchen door and runs straight into
the out house. Before Sven and Ole can do anything
to stop her, their plans go into motion.

"Boom!!!" The first half of the dynamite goes off
and lifts the out house, and poor Lena, some thirty
feet off the ground.

"Ka-Boom!!" The rest of the dynamite explodes and
quickly clears out the underground chamber.

A few seconds later, the out house comes down and
lands neatly back into place.

Lena stumbles out a bit shaken and says:
"Uffda!! Itz a gut ting I dint do dat in da Kitchen!"

Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

Sven and Ole heard of an organization that would pay $5000 for every live wolf. They hunted for days, up and down mountains. One night, they fell asleep around their campfire. In the middle of the night, Ollie woke up and saw they were surrounded 50 hungry, ferocious wolves. He said to Sven, "Wake us Sven, We're rich!"

John Jenkins, Jamestown, TN

#1 Olaf and Sven, brother norwegian batchelor farmers, went into town and bought a new top of the line Buick Roadmaster station wagon. They brought it home, parked it in front of the garage, got a crowbar and a hammer and then proceeded to remove all of the wood trim from the sides of the new car. After they were done, they stood back, looked at it and Sven sez to his brother,"You know sumpthin' Olaf? I think I liked it better ven it vas still in t'box!"

#2 Olaf decided to try raising something different for a change and chose chickens. He went into town to the Feed store and bought 300 baby chicks. Three days later he went back to the counter of the feed store and aske for another 300 chicks. " What happened to the first set ?" inquired the store owner. "They died" was Olaf's terse reply. Well, small epidemics do have a way of happening so the man sold Olaf another 300 chicks. Four days later Olaf was back needing to buy still another 300 chicks. When told that the second 300 had died as well, the store owner replied that Olaf just wasn't having much luck with chickens then asked if he knew what was going wrong. " I think I'm either planting them too far apart or too deep" replied Olaf.

#3 Last summer,Sven was hitchhiking back to the farm and got a ride on a motorcycle. The biker put the Harley up to about 75 MPH and Sven hollered " Vhy are ve going so fast?" The biker replied " the faster you go,the cooler it gets." They came to a crossroads where Sven hooked up with a big rig for the remainder of the trip. The truck driver ran that big Freightliner up to 90 MPH. "Vhy are ve going so fast?" asked Sven. "The faster you go,the cooler it gets." replied the driver. Well, Sven made it back to the farm and later that summer it was a scorcher. 104 degrees in the shade. Sven saddled up his horse and took off riding across the prairie just as fast as he could, got two miles from the farm when the horse dropped over dead. Well, he didn't want to leave the saddle so he started carrying it back to to farm. On his way he met his brother Olaf who asked what he was doin carryin' the saddle. " Horse died." replied Sven. " What did he die from ?" asked Olaf. Sven told him " Near as I can figure out, he froze to death !"

You have probably heard of these before but I did not remember seeing them recently.

Todd Chappell, Pensacola, FL

Swen and Ole go deer hunting and Ole accidentally shoots Swen. Swen manages to get Ole out of the woods and drives him to the emergency room. After a while, the doctor comes out to Swen in the waiting room.
"Doctor, is my friend going to be alright? I drove as fast as I could."
"You know, Swen, we mooght have had a chance if you didn't take the time to prepare him and tie him to the hood of your car."



Steve Voigt, Everett, Wa

A Swen and Ole go duck hunting and Ole is very excited to show off his new hunting dog. They are out in their duck hunting boat and a couple of ducks fly over. They fire and a duck them drops. Ole sends his retriever out to get the duck. The dog jumps out of the boat and runs across the water picks up duck and hops back into the boat. And much to Ole's dismay, Swen doesn't say word.
Another couple of ducks fly over. They shoot and another duck falls. Ole sends his dog out again. The dog again runs across the water, picks up the duck, and runs back and hops into the boat. Still, Swen doesn't say a word.
This happens several more times and finally Ole smugly says, "So Swen, do you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"Ja, he can't swim."


Steve Voigt, Everett, WA

Ollie and his brother Sven were working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two brothers worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he just had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are
you doing? You dig a hole and your brother comes behind you and fills it up again!" Ollie replied, "Oh yeah, must look kinda funny, but Al, the guy who plants the trees, is sick today."

Winona Specht, Aiken, SC