A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

President Clinton has already chosen the title for his presidential memoirs which he'll write when he leaves office..he's calling it

"The Johnson Years"

Ged Young, Garden City, NY

President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true distaster!" "Bill,da Cannajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp yhou," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway" said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red,white,and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway an se'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc'n rouge in color, hat least 10 hinches long and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
That's easily done, Anything else?"
Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM

Wendy Reuter, Luxemburg, WI

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now,think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Rick Higgs, New Palestine, IN

1) What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 300 women went down on the titanic.
2) What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? At least we know how many women went down on the titanic.

Leo Stemp, State College, PA

Q. How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of Secret Service agents?

A. He's the stiff one.

David Palmer, Laurel, MD

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice....."

G. Foreman, Rancho Cucamonga,

Three young boys were walking in the woods when they came upon Bill Clinton sinking into some quicksand. Since they are boy scouts, and he is the leader of the free world, they decide to help him. They get a branch, he grabs on to it, and they pull him out.
"Boys," Bill says, "You saved my life. What can I offer each of you as a reward?"
The first boy steped forward and says, "Sir, my fathers business just went bankrupt, and so I would like you to give him a stable, high paying government job."
And Bill replied, "That sounds fair. I will see to it."
The second boy comes forward and says, "My grandmother is very very sick. I want the money to give her an operation."
And Bill says, "That is very kind, young man. She will have the finest in care."
The last boy steps up and says, "Mr. Clinton, I would like a golden coffin."
"A golden coffin, son? Isn't that a little selfish after your friends have generously given their wishes to help others?"
"What do you mean sir? I am helping others. The coffin is for my father, because he is going to have a coronary when he finds out I saved your life."

Karen Evans, Rochester, MN
Age: 13

BUMPER STICKER
"Run Hillary Run!" bumper stickers are selling like hotcakes in New York.
Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front.

George Foreman, Rancho Cucamonga, ca

Bill Clinton, AL Gore, Hilary CLinton, and Chelsie Clinton were riding on air-force one. Bill clinton takes out a ten-thousand dollar bill and says "i could throw this out the window and make one person happy". Al Gore takes out a thousand dollar bill and says "i could throw a ten of these out the window and make a TEN people happy". Then Hilary takes out a hundred-dollar bill and say "I could throw a hundered of these out a make a HUNDRED people happy". Annoyed, Cheltsie says "I could throw you guys out and make EVERYONE happy".

Daniel Beaver, Mayaguez, PR
Age: 13

A member of the IRA dies, and St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. As he reviews the Irish loyalist's rather spotty life on earth, he tells man, "Tommy, you've seen your share of quite a bit of trouble, I don't know that you'll be getting in..."
The terrorist replies, "Getting in? You've got five minutes to get the hell out!"

Patrick Dowling, Ledyard, CT

Why does Bill Clinton wear flannel boxers?

To keep his ankles warm.

Daniel Douros, Grass Valley, CA
Age: 15

Rush Limbaugh is walking on a beach and comes across a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a genie.

"I will grant you any wish you desire", says the genie.

" What I really want," says Rush pulling a long list of names out of his pocket," is for all of these ultra conservatives who are running for office to win their elections. I want them to win local elections, state elections, and federal elections. Every one of them."

The genie thinks for a moment, scratches his head and then says, " All of those election,huh? That is a pretty tall order Mr. Limbaugh, what is your second wish."

Limbaugh thinks a moment and says," What I would really like would be a woman to truly care for me, to love me for myself, and to make mad passionate love to me."

Again the genie thinks a moment and says, "Hey Rush, how about we take another look at that candidate list".

Ken Pober, Indiana, PA

How do you get a Democrat off your porch?

Pay for the pizza!

Jason Mehling, Edina, MN