FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions

Regional Jokes

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a couple of swigs, then suddenly tosses the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots the bottle in mid-air.

The Canadian looks at him and says,"What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey, and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots it.

The guy from Michigan can't believe this, and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"

The Canadian says, "In Canada, there's plenty of champagne, and bottles are cheap."

So a while later, the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, Canadians are a dime a dozen, but bottles are worth a dime apiece!"

Amy Vivio, Krum, TX


A flat-lander couple on vacation in Vermont during the Christmas season decided to take a quaint horse-drawn sleigh ride offered by an old local farmer (think former Senate candidate Fred Tuttle).

It was a cold an windy night, but the couple was thoroughly enjoying the romantic ride -- except for one curious thing. The farmer would periodicly slow down the sleigh, reach forward and wipe his index finger around the anus of the horse and then -- to their disgust -- wipe the finger on his lips.

Finally, their curiousity got the better of them and being able to stand it no longer, the woman asked the farmer why he was doing this.

"Chapped lips," said the farmer simply and matter-of-factly.

"What? Does that help your chapped lips?" asked the husband.

"Help 'em?" the farmer replied thoughtfully. "Nope it doesn't help em, but it keeps me from lickin' em and makin' em worse."

Andrew Mathews, Wichita, KS


A fella from Boston dies and goes to Hell. Satan says "We're gonna make you miserable." He cranks up the thermostat to 95. "no problem. Just like Boston in June" he says. So Satan cranks it up to 105. "No problem. Just like Boston in July." Satan's getting angry. He tries a new tactic. He punches the thermostat all the way down as low as it can go. 100 below zero. The whole place is frozen. The guy from Boston starts jumping up and down, laughing and shouting at the top of his voice "ALRIGHT! THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!"

Bruce Nave, Virginia Beach, VA


a ny joke from a recent transplant:
four guys, a saudi arabian, a russian, a north korean, and a new yorker were walking down the street together when a reporter approached them. "excuse me, sirs, excuse me, but can each one of you tell me your opinion of the meat shortage?"
the saudi arabian said, "'shortage,' what's a shortage?"
the russian said, "'meat,' what's meat?"
the north korean said, "'opinion,' what's an opinion?"
and the new yorker said, "'excuse me,' what's 'excuse me'??"

yasmeen ahmed, san francisco , ca


French ethnic (aka: stupid Belgian) joke

I.A Belgian arrives in Paris for the first time. At the Gare du Nord, he gets into a cab, a Mercedes, and gives the driver the name of his hotel. En route, the Belgian sees the hood ornament on the Mercedes and asks the driver what it is.

Wanting to pull the Belgian's leg, the driver tells him, "Oh that, that's my scope. I use it to aim for pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the street up ahead? Watch.I'm going to get her."
Looking through the hood ornament, the driver accelerates and heads right for the old lady. At the last second he veers to the right to avoid her, when he hears a terrible thud. From the back seat the Belgian says"Hey! if I hadn't opened the door you would have missed her altogether!"

II. Why are Belgians buried with their buttocks sticking up out of the ground?
So that cemetary visitors have a place to park their bicycles.

MISC:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
American.

Esther Howard, Washington, DC


How can you tell the rednecks at Sea World?
They're the ones with fishing rods.

How can you tell the rednecks at the airport?
Their luggage consists of a styrofoam cooler and six WinnDixie bags.

Jerry Sullivan, Philadelphia, PA


Life in the Real California

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don't even notice.
13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000".
17. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20. You AND your dog have therapists.

George Foreman, Rancho Cucamonga, ca


Two bowling teams of Iowans charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Minneapolis for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the top. She walks up the stairs, and here are all the Iowans from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death. She says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the Iowans from the second team says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

Qwilleran O'Sullivan, Sheboygan, WI


On his first day at work, a recent University of Illinois graduate was handed a broom by his new boss and told to sweep the floor. He looked at the boss with disgust and said, "Hey! I'm a graduate of the University of Illinois, you know!"

The manager took the broom back and said, "Really? Sorry about that. Here, let me show you how it's done."

Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL


There were five people holding onto a rope that was hanging from a helicopter. Four were graduates of Florida State University; the other was a graduate of the University of Florida. They all decided that one of them needed to let go, because the rope was starting to weaken and they would all die if it broke. They couldn't seem to decide who would let go, until the University of Florida graduate gave a very touching speech, saying how he would give his life to save the others; he wanted to follow the giving spirit of his school and what he had been taught.
All the Florida State graduates started clapping.

Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL


A Texan walks into a country grocery store and asks the cashier in a rather Texan accent,"Boy, I want a half a head of lettuce." The cashier goes to the back of the store and tells his manager,"Sir, there's, a really dumb Texan out there asking for a half a head of lettuce." He turns around and finds the Texan standing right behind him. The cashier then says,"And this fine gentleman here wants the other half." Later the manager congratulates the cashier for getting out of that sticky situation. He says,"Son, that was good. You have a wit about you. Where are you from?" The cashier says,"I'm from Michigan...the state where the women are either whores or hockey players." The manager says," Boy, watch your mouth; my wife is from Michigan." The cashier says,"Uhhh really? What hockey team does she play for?"

George Harris, Odessa, NY



The Famous Boston Attitude!

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Boston Common when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Bruins fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Boston, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific
Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or Red Sox.
What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from New York Kill Beloved Family Pet."

Dick Tillotson, Duxbury, MA


How many Iowa freshman does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It is a sophomore credit.
Tom Davis, Mankato, MN


What is the State Tree of North Dakota?
The telephone pole. (If you have ever driven accross North Dakota, you know this is no joke.)

What do you call a North Dakotan hitchhiking in Montana?
Stranded.

Steve Voigt, Everett, WA


Q. Hey, why did that guy from Brooklyn cross the road?
A. Who wants to know?

David Palmer, Laurel, MD


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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