A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.

Peter Schott, Grapevine, TX

Q: What do you call a Baptist who can read?
A: Methodist

Q: What is a rich Methodist?
A: Presbyterian

Q: What's the real difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?
A: The Methodist will wave to you in the liquor store.

Michael Morgan, Oxford, MS

How Faiths Fight Fires

Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”

The Quakers quietly praised God for blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire
would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself.”

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn itself out.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.

Some atheists in attendance didn’t believe there was a fire.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.

AND The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire completely!

Kirk Larsen, Idaho Falls, ID

It seems there was a Lutheran Minister who was in all respects a good man. He cared for his congregation deeply but he was afflicted with one vice. He was an avid golfer. Living as he did in Minnesota, the golfing year was limited to the few months that pass for spring and summer. It was one of those mornings when Spring suddenly burst on the scene. He was up early because it was Sunday and he had just a few changes that he wanted to make in his sermon. It was probably the singing of the birds that led to what happened. He called one of his trusted friends, assumed the voice of one suffering from a terrible cold and asked his friend to cover his service as he was feeling very poorly. His friend agreed. That done the reverend loaded his golf clubs into his car and drove for three hours to a course where no one would know him. It was on the first hole. An angel looked down saw what was happening and went directly to God. "Look at this", he said, " A man of God missing a Sunday service to play golf." God looked down and said "Yes, I suppose he need some kind of punishment." The Minister addressed the ball, swung smoothly and watched in utter amazement as the ball carried perfectly around a dogleg, bounced on the green and followed a difficult break to roll into the hole. "I thought you were going to punish him." The angel said.
God replied, "I did. Who can he tell about this"

Michael Hartley, Jacksonville, FL

A man was walking a little too close to the edge of a cliff and he fell off. Luckily, he caught hold of a branch, but couldn't hold on very long. He yelled out, "Help, is there anyone up there who can help me, maybe throw me a rope?"

He hears a loud booming voice, "Yes, my son, I can help you."

The man asks who it is.

"It is I, God, your father. Do you have faith, my son?"

The man replies, "Yes, I have faith!"

God answers, "If you have faith, let go, and I will save you."

The man thinks for a minute, then says, "Is there anyone else up there?"

Holly Hansen, New Ulm, MN

Lady dies and goes to heaven. Tells St. Peter she wants to find her husband who predeceased her.
St. Peter asks: "What was his name?"
"Smith," she replies.
"Lady, there are million of Smiths here. You have to be more specific. What was his first name?
"John," she replies.
"We've got millions of John Smiths here, St Peter said. "Isn't there something that would distinguish him."
"Well," she said, "He told me just before he died that if I was ever unfaithful to him, he'd turn over in his grave."

"Oh!" Artsaid St Peter brightly. "You mean PINWHEEL Smith."

Art Tressler, El Cerrito, CA

A deacon a bishop and a priest are doing missionary work in a far off land. They are captured by the local government and sentanced to death.

They are all given a last wish. The Deacon asks for a wonderful last meal. Caviar, shrimp stuffed with crab meat, Filet Mingon, and a bottle of his favorite wine.

The Bishop is disgusted with this final act of indulgence.
I'd like the chance to preach one last sermon. One final chance to sum up my knowledge of the scriptures and relay it to those who need to hear and understand the word of God! One final chance to save their sould and do the bidding of my God. One last opportunity to do His work here on earth, summing up all that I have learned and giving it freely to the people of God"

The priest says " just shoot me before the Bishop starts his sermon!"

Rob Henry, Washington DC, DC

THERE WERE THREE MARRIED COUPLES-ONE IN THEIR EARLY 20'S, ANOTHER IN THEIR 40'S AND ANOTHER IN THEIR 60'S. A LUTHERRN MINISTER WAS COUNCILING THEM ON THEIR ADMISSION INTO A LUTHERAN CHURCH. THEY ALL DID WELL ,BUT THE PASTOR SAID THAT THRIR WAS ONE MORE REQUIRMENT WHICH WAS THAT THEY HAD TO REFRAIN FROM HAVING SEX FOR A MONTH. A MONTH WENT BY AND HE SAID TO THE 40S COUPLE "DID YOU REFRAIN FROM SEX?' THEY SAID ALL WENT WELL, BUT IT GOT TOUGH IN THE LAST WEEK. THEY SAID, HOWEVER, THAT THEY HAD REFRAINED. THE 60 YEAR COUPLE SAID THEY HAD NO PROBLEM AT ALL REFRAINING. NEXT CAME THE COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY 20'S. THEY WERE ASKED BY THE PASTOR IF THEY HAD REFRAINED FROM SEX FOR THE MONTH? THE HUSBAND SAID WELL IT WENT THIS WAY. THE FIRST WEEK WAS TOUGH, THEN THE SECOND WEEK IT GOT EVEN WORSE, AND THE THIRD WEEK WAS EXCUSIATING. MY WIFE WAS IN A HOT PINK MINI-SKIRT AND SHE DROPPED SOME FRUIT AND BENT OVER TO PICK IT UP-AND THAT WAS IT. THE PASTOR SAID "WELL IN THAT CASE I CAN NOT WECOME YOU TO THE CHURCH. THE WIFE SAID 'YEA, WE ARE NOT WELCOMED AT THE GROCERY STORE ANYMORE EITHER. (NOTE THIS JOKE CAN BE DONE WITH A PRIEST, RABI ETC.)

ALLEN GULEZIAN, ELLENSBURG, WA

A farmer named Muldoon lived in the Irish countryside, alone except for the company of his faithful dog, Riley. One day Reily died and Muldoon was heartbroken. He went to see his parish priest.

"Father, Reily has passed on. I was wondering if I could have a service for him here at the church."

"Ah, Mulldoon," said the priest, "we can't be havin' services for animals in this church. There's a new denomination down the road a ways. Lord knows what they believe in, but maybe they can help you."

"Thank you, father," said Muldoon. "By the way, do you think $5,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"
"Muldoon! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Kevin Herlihy, Greenfield, MA

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth; 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view."
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him that yes, the Earth was in decline; 95% bad and only 5% good.
God said that this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them and to give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?

You didn't get one either, huh?

Judith Adamski, Corvallis, OR

We've got some tough Unitarians in our town.
(How tough are they?)
Make 'em mad enough and they'll burn a question mark
on your lawn.

Catherine Salton, Cupertino, CA

Q: What kind of car did Jesus drive?

A: A Chrysler!

Ron Kahn, Jupiter, FL

The Pope, after receiving a message from God that GK could be saved from the wrath of the Lake Wobegon Lutherans decides to book a pilgrimage to GK’s studio through Minneapolis-St. Paul. Unfortunately, upon his arrival in Minneapolis, the Pope learns that all air travel to Lake Wobegon has been curtailed due to inclement weather. Recognizing the urgency of his earthly duties the Pope books a limousine to complete the trip.

Once in the limo, the Pope observes that the chauffeur is driving at the speed limit, which certainly won’t do. So he taps on the window and says, “Son, could you kindly step it up a little bit?”

The chauffeur responds by increasing his speed by 3 mph.

After several miles of this the Pope again taps on the window and repeats his request.
And again the chauffeur responds with a minor increase in speed. To which the Pope complains, “Listen son, I really have to get to Lake Wobegen, to save GK before he goes on the air, could you please step it up?”

“Your lordship, (Is that what they call the Pope?) I’m about to lose my license and I simply can drive no faster,” says the chauffer.

“Well,” says the Pope, “would you mind if I drove?”

“Well, if you are responsible for all your actions … I guess not,” replies the chauffeur.

The Pope and the chauffeur switch positions. The Pope takes off like a bat out of hell.

It isn’t long before the Minnesota State Patrol catch the Pope doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone. Of course, the officer being the son of a good Norwegian bachelor, immediately recognizes the Pope and says, “Your eminence, please hold your position! I need to call my sergeant.”

Out of breath from his excitement the officer calls his sergeant on the radio, “Sergeant! Sergeant! I just stopped a man doing 105 in a 55!”

The sergeant responds, “Now, just relax. What’s the problem with that?”

“It is obvious that the man is very, very important,” the officer radios back

“Well, then just write him up for 95 in a 55,” responds the sergeant.

Frantic the officer responds, “That just won’t do. This guy is far more important than that!”

“How important is this guy anyway?” retorts the Sergeant.

“Well I don’t know,” responds the officer, “but his chauffer is the Pope!”

Andy Byerly, Northville, Mi

"Sister Mary": Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this! The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" Well, Father" the nun began, "I was walking down the hall to the capel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" A serious infraction,indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, Father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had waged on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the CEILING, father." To which the priest replied... "How much did you win?"

LeVerne Kidd, Minden, LA.

Adam was walking around in the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,"What is wrong with you?" Adam said he did not have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you." "She will agree with your every decision. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and always be the first to admit she was wrong." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked,"What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.........

Jody Witek, Conestoga, PA

Two priests were playing golf. The 1st priest's drive went into the rough and he muttered, "Damn, I missed the fairway!" The 2nd priest said, "You better watch your language!"

The 1st priest hit his next shot over the green into a bunker and he cursed, "Damn, I missed the green!" The 2nd priest said, "You better watch your language, or God will strike you dead!"

The 1st priest finally got his ball on the green and missed an easy short putt, and he shouted, "Damn, I missed!"

Suddenly the sky turned pitch black and a huge lighting bolt struck the 2nd priest killing him instantly! A loud booming voice came down from the sky, "DAMN, I MISSED!!!"

Dave Cich, Alice, TX

A guy was driving along when his car broke down in front of a church were monks live.The guy asks the monks if he can stay there for the night.They say yes.During the night he hears a noise.He asks the monk,"What was that noise?" The monk said,"I can't tell you your not a monk."Ten years later the same guys car breaks down in front of the same church.Again he spends the night there and hears the same noise. Again he gets the same answer.So he spends the next 20 years becoming a monk.Then he goes back to the church and asks about the noise. The monk points to a wooden door. The guy opened the door and there was the sound.Want to know what the sound was? I can't tell you,Your not a monk!

Tina Ulrich, Traverse City, MI

A pastor was visiting a fellow pastor in a neighboring church one day and noticed that he looked disturbed. Asking what troubled him, he was told that his friend was missing his bicycle.It seemed that he had always parked his bike by the front of the church, just behind the big bush. No one passing by could see it but everyone who attended church knew that was where he always parked it. He didn't want to accuse anyone from his church of stealing it, but he did want it back. He didn't know what to do.His friend suggested that he give a Hell Fire and Brimstone sermon the next Sunday on the 10 Commandments and really bear down when he got to Thou Shalt Not Steal. Perhaps the thief would get a guilty concience and return the bike. He agreed to try it.The following Monday, the pastor visited his friend to see how it went.The friend replied" I preached the best sermon ever on the 10 Commandments, and when I got down to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultry I remembered where I parked my Bike".

George Marsh, Cornelius, OR

Two nuns where driving down a country road when their car began to sputter and finally stopped.

"Looks as though we've run out of gas. Let's go over to that farm house and see if the farmer can help us."

The nuns went to the farmhouse and talked with the farmer who is only too happy to give them some gasoline for their car.

"I'm sorry but the only thing I have for you to carry the gas in is a bedpan."

The nuns where so pleased to get the gas that they didn't care what they had to carry it in.

As they were pouring the gasoline into the car, another man pulled up beside them. Puzzled he said, "Sisters, I can't say that I agree with your religion, but I have to admire your faith!

Randy Sedgwick, Clermont, FL

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The Jewish man thought a second and responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The Jewish man quickly answered " I to am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

Michael Miller, Rochester, NY

God was taking a little coffee break after having created the heavens and Earth, when one of his angels appeared looking rather worried. "God," stammered the angel, "I was down on Earth, taking a little look around, and I must say you did a fine job. A truly fine job. But I think there's one problem. I was noticing that on one of the coasts you really outdid yourself. It has beatiful beaches, stunning sunsets, fertile soils, majestic mountains, pleasant temperate weather, near limitless natural beauty, all manner of food, and to top it off, all of this magnificence and bounty is clumped together. Why, you can pratically see the ocean beaches from the tops of the snow capped mountains. When mankind invents cars, they'll be able to drive to all of these things within a couple of hours." God looked up from his coffee and said, "Yeah, so, what's the problem?" "Well," said the angel, "I was wondering, how are you going to keep all of the people of Earth from crowding into that little bit of land on the coast." "Don't worry about it," said God, "that's where I'm going to put the Californians."

David Palmer, Laurel, MD

When the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat the occupants were more than ready to leave. Noah made one last sweep and found a despondent snake in the hold.--"Why are you sad and why haven't you left?" asked Noah.--"Because I'm so inadequate" replied the snake.--"Inadequate?" queried Noah.--"Yes" continued the snake, "The Lord commanded that we go forth and MULTIPLY and I'm an ADDER."

Marvin Demanzuk, Rogers, Ar

The doctor, lawyer and minister were called to the dying miser's bedside. The miser said, "I'm going to take it all with me - I have $90,000 cash. There's $30,000 for each one of you. Just before they fill in my grave, put the cash in the hole with me and that way no one will get it!"
The miser died the next week and the 3 men did as he wished. After the funeral they went out for coffee. The doctor said, "I have a confession to make. I had a malpractice suit this week, so I kept $10,000 out to pay for it." The lawyer said, "I have a confession, too. I paid for a new boat, so I only put in $10,000 and kept $20,000 for myself."
The minister was appalled. "I'll have you know that I put in my PERSONAL CHECK for the full amount!"

Alan Felsted, Orlando, FL

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

A farmer was plowing in the field. Across the plowed ground came his young son. "Father" he said, "there is a preacher up at the house."
"What kind of preacher?" asked the farmer.
"I don't know" said the young son. " Well, heres what you do son," said the farmer. "You go back and ask what kind of preacher he is, and if he is a catholic, you hide all the liquor, and if he is a baptist, you hide all the food, and if he is a methodist, you get in your mothers lap and stay there till I get there.

Steve Bridgmon, Owensboro, Ky

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief says "You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies says, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look to the field. See a flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid."

Susan Harrison, Nunnelly, TN

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are out playing golf. (Don't ask why there isn't a foursome. It's Jesus and Moses. They can pretty much do what they want to.) Jesus is ready to tee off. He looks around, gets a feel for the wind, and takes a whack at it. The ball slices hard to the left and--SPLASH!--Right in the water hazard. Before the ball can sink, Jesus runs out onto the water and hits it again. BLAM! It goes straight onto the green.

Now Moses is up. He nails the ball and...SPLASH! Same bad slice, right into the water hazard. Moses takes his time walking up to the water, and the ball sinks. So he raises his golf club into the air, the waters part, he walks down to the ball and...WHACK! Right on the green.

So the old man is up next. The old man hits the ball and AGAIN has the same bad slice. This time, the ball sinks into the water, and a fish eats it. Then a bigger fish eats the smaller fish. Then a pelican swoops down and eats the fish. Then a hawk swoops down and attacks the pelican. The pelican coughs up the big fish, which spits out the smaller fish, which coughs up the ball, which goes right into the hole...HOLE IN ONE!!!

Jesus turns to the old man. "For crying out loud, Dad, will you just quit screwing around and play the game?"

Kevin Kelleher, Madison, WI

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
9.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
10.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
11.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
and finally...
12.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Daniel Beaver, Mayaguez, PR
Age: 13

It's a dark stormy night, two nuns are driving through Transylvania. Suddenly, a ferocious and bloodthirsty vampire appears in their headlights. The one nun turns to the other and says "Quick, show him your cross!" The otyher rolls dowqn thew window leans her head out and yells "Get out of the road you stupid git!"

Elizabeth Hillman, Gorham, ME

A married woman is having an affair and whenever her lover is there she puts her young son in the closet. One day during his visit, the husband comes home unexpectedly so she quickly puts the lover in the closet as well. The man and boy are sitting in the closet when the boy says, "Gee, it's kinda dark in here." The man says, "Yeah, I guess it is." The boy says, "Hey Mister, you wanna buy a baseball?" The man says, "No, I don't want to buy a baseball!" The boy says, "Yeah, I think you do." Realizing his position and a shake down when he hears it, he says, "Alright, how much?" "Twenty five bucks." "What?! You've got to be kidding. No! No...oh, all right." and gives over the money. Some time later the same scene happens again. The man and boy are in the closet again as the boy says, "Gee, it's kinda dark in here." "Yeah, it is." "You wanna buy a ball glove?" "No. How much?" "Fifty bucks." Knowing he's stuck, he pays again. That saturday the father says to his son, "Hey, go get your ball and glove and we'll play catch." "Can't Dad. I sold 'em." Thinking the boy had traded for marbles or some other kid kind of thing he says, "How much did you get?" "Seventy five bucks." "Seventy five bucks?!! That's outrageous! That's shameful. That's a sin. In fact, you're going to confession right now and ask for forgiveness." The man drags his son to the church, throws him into the confessional and slams the door. He's sitting in there a while and says, "Gee, it's kinda dark in here." And the priest says, "Don't you start that stuff in here!!"

Warren Willis, Mustang, OK

Catholic wife: "Oh what a beautiful bouquet! Where did you get it?"

Lutheran wife: "My husband brought it to me on Friday when he came home from work."

Catholic wife: "Well, I'm sure glad my husband didn't bring me a beautiful bouquet like that. If he had, I'd have spent the whole weekend stark naked and flat on my back with my legs spread."

Lutheran wife: "Really? Don't you have a vase?"

Bill Lattin, Owensboro, KY

A leader of the Jewish community contracted smallpox and was in serious
condition. He called for the Catholic priest to come visit. The priest was
somewhat flattered and asked him why he did not call the rabbi. He said, "I
didn't want the Rabbi to get smallpox".

John Jenkins, Jamestown, TN

A man is talking to God one day. He asks, "Hey God, how much is a million dollars to You?"

God replies, "Oh, about a penny."

The man thinks about this and then asks, "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God replies, "Oh, about a minute."

The man thinks this over and suddenly gets a bright idea: "Hey God - can I borrow a penny?"

And God replies "Sure - just a minute."

Sean Osborne, Cross Plains, TN

In recent years I have developed the comforting belief that when we die, all heels will be wounded-- no, I mean, all wounds will be healed. (ah, maybe both) -- from an agnostic Unitarian Universal

Karen Brown, Calgary, Alberta

Little Howard, the Jewish shopkeeper's son, lived in a small Midwestern city where there was no Jewish school. His parents decided Catholic school was the next best thing.
One day, Sister Catherine held up a shiny new silver dollar and said she would give it to the first person who could tell her who was the greatest man who ever walked the earth. Several answers rang out but none were correct. Little Howie looked around the room, stood up and said, "Sister, Jesus Christ was the greatest man who ever walked the earth!" Sister responded, "Quite right!" and handed Howie the dollar.

After school, Sister walked up to Howie and asked, "Knowing your background, how did you come up with that answer today?" Howie replied, Sister, you and I both know Moses was the greatest man who ever walked the earth...but business is business!"

Jon Flanagan, Wauwatosa, WI

The Devil's Sister
A small, rural church was about to begin the Sunday morning service when the devil pops into the building.
Everyone, except one elderly gentleman, goes screaming to the exits. The devil walks up to him and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The gentleman answers, "Yes, I certainly do." The devil said, "Aren't you afraid, like all the others?" "No," was the reply from the man. The devil said, "Why not?" The man said, "I have been married to your sister for forty years, and you can't be any worse than that".

Gene Garland, Elida, OH

Two Jesuits were visiting an old lady in Ireland. It was such a great honor for her to have two Jesuits over that she went all out in preparing a meal for them: she milked the cow for some fresh milk, baked her best bread, and even killed two cockerels for the feast. She had a splendid evening with her guests, who ate every speck of that marvelous supper she had prepared. Finally, that delightful evening had to end, and the two priests went home. As they were leaving, they heard a cock crow.
"My, that rooster sure sounds pround," said one priest to the other.
His companion replied, "An' why not, him with two sons in the Jesuits."

A Jesuit and a Benedictine were eating lunch together. After lunch, they found out that there was only a single piece of chocolate cake for dessert. Feeling charitable, they each decide to share it. The Jesuit splits the cake and takes the larger piece for himself.
The Benedictine, watching him, says, "If I were you, I would have taken the smaller piece."
Replies the Jesuit, "What are you complaining about, then?"

Colin McNamara, Burlington, NC

THE STORY OF THE TRIDS

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a race of friendly Trids, who lived in peace and harmony in their village in the valley. Now, these trids were a happy lot, and they were always laughing and playing and having a good time.
That was, at least, until the mean old ogre showed up. The ogre just appeared one day and set up a nice cabin at the top of the hill by the valley. At first, everything was OK, but as the days went on, the ogre started to get very sick and tired of the laughing and singing coming from the trids' village.
Now, as ogres go, this ogre was a particularly mean one, so instead of moving, he decided to enslave all of the trids in the village and make them work day in and day out without singing.
Well, now, the trids didn't much like being slaves, but they were a quiet, timid race, not prone to revolting. So everyday, the trids would meet and send one of their people up to the ogre's house on the top of the hill to ask for their freedom. Every day, a trid would knock on the ogre's door. The angry ogre would open the door and, in a huff, bellow, "What do you want!" The trid would then ask the ogre if he would please consider letting them go, to which the ogre would reply, "No!!" and kick the trid so hard that he would fall and tumble down the hill.
Still, every day, the trids would send a representative up to the top of the hill to ask for their freedom, and every day, the ogre would just say no and kick the trid down the hill.
Finally one day, the trids, being the good Jewish people that they were, to send their Rabbi up to the ogre's house to ask for their freedom. "After all," they argued, "even an ogre wouldn't dare kick a rabbi!" Well, they called the rabbi and told him their decision, so the rabbi went up to the top of the hill and knocked on the ogre's door.
"What is it?" yelled the ogre when he answered the door. "Please, Mr. Ogre," the rabbi said, "I vas vondering if you could find it in your hawt to set my people free today?"
The ogre looked at him for a moment and then replied, "No! Now go away!"
The rabbi responded, "Vat? Aren't you going to gif me a kick down se hill like you did vis all of my fellow trids?!"
The ogre looked down at the rabbi with just a hint of a smirk on his face and sarcastically uttered the phrase which would go down in history: "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Eamonn Walker, Baton Rouge, LA

An old priest invited the younger new priest to his house for dinner. When the young priest arrived, he was surprised to see that the old priest had a shapely, beautiful, sensuous house maid. During dinner, the young priest finally spoke up. "Father Jacob," he said, "I must ask you about your house maid. She is beautiful. Don't you find it difficult to resist temptation."

The old priest looked at him coyly and said, "Of course not."

A few days later, the house maid approached the old priest, and said, "Father, I'm concerned. I can't find the silver serving spoon. It's always right here in the drawer. I hate to say it, but it's been missing ever since you had dinner with the new priest."

So the old priest, not wanting to seem accusatory, writes the new priest a letter. "Now I'm not saying that you took the silver serving spoon, and I'm not saying that you didn't take the silver serving spoon. But the fact remains that since you were here the silver serving spoon has been missing."

A few days later the old priest received a letter from the new priest. "Now I'm not saying that you're sleeping with your house maid, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with your house maid, but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the serving spoon by now."

Qwilleran O'Sullivan, Sheboygan, WI

You heard the one about the dyslectic agnostic? He was up all night trying to figure out if there really is a Dog.

David Palmer, Laurel, MD

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HYMNS AND PRAISE CHORUSES

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.

The farmer said, "Well, it's like this. If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I was to say to you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,' well, that would be a praise chorus."

Janet Anderson, St. Paul, MN

A little boy rushes downstairs to the kitchen where his mother is cooking dinner..."Mother, Mother is it true what they say in the Bible, that from dust you were made and to dust you shall return"? She answers..."Yes,dear.
"Well", he says with great anticipation,"you better go upstairs and look under my bed because there is either someone coming or going!"

Julie Winters, Los Gatos, CA

What's the difference between an agnostic, an athiest and a Unitarian?

I don't know, and I don't care, one way or the other!

Christian Rawlings, Provo, UT

A young boy was looking over a list of names in the church bulletin on a Memorial Day Sunday service, and asked his father, "Dad, why are all these names in the bulletin?" His father replied, "These are the names of all the people who died in the service." The boy's eyes lit up and he asked, "Which one, the 9 o'clock or the 11 o'clock?

Charles Graham, St. Johns, MI

Two priests died and went to heaven. It seems there was a computer problem. St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and told them there would be a delay before they could enter. He told them during the wait they could be something they had always wanted to be. The first priest said that he had always wanted to be an Eagle and sore over the mountains. St. Peter said, "No problem." The second priest stated he would like to be a "stud". St. Peter said OK. A few days later, God told St. Peter to gather up the priests, as it was time for them to enter Heaven. St. Peter said that it would be no problem to find the first priest as he was an eagle soring over the Rockie Mountains, but finding the second priest would be a problem. "Why?", asked God. "Well," St. Peter replied, "He is on some snow tire in North Dakota"

Marlys Hay, Harwood, ND

An old man died and went to heaven.
Jesus saw him there.
The old man appeared to searching for someone.
The next day, Jesus saw him searching again.
And the next day, Jesus saw him searching and searching.
Jesus went up to the old man and asked him, "Old man, are you looking for someone?"
The old man said, "Yes, I am looking for my son. You would know him by the holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus leaned over and whispered to the old man, "Father?"
The old man answered, "Pinochio?"

Katie Janz, Seattle, WA

A ministers wife and her friend are downtown shopping when they are just bowled over by a dress in a boutique shop window. The minister's wife exclaims, "Isn't that a beautiful dress!" Her friend encourages her to go into the shop and try it on. "Oh,no" the minister's wife firmly pronounces..."we could never afford it." Her friend replies,"But, it wouldn't hurt just to try it on..." So in they go. The minister's wife tries on the dress and of course it fits PERFECTLY. Feeling as if the temptation to buy the dress is getting the best of her, she stiffens up, looks straight into the mirror and commands,"SATAN! GET THEE BEHIND ME! All of a sudden you hear from behind... "I AM! And it looks great from back here too!

Julie Winters, Los Gatos, CA

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said,"A lot better than pork isn't it?"

Dean Hampton, Kansas City, MO

The Three Truths of Religion:

1. The Jews don't recognize the coming Messiah.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.
3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

Jody Baker, Myrtle Beach, SC

A farmer discided to eat his lunch at the cafe in town. While he was eating at the counter, he was reading his Bible. In walked a salesman, and after seeing that the farmer was reading his Bible, he sat down beside him. After a moment the salesman asked, "You don't really believe everything you read in there, do you?" The farmer looked shocked and said, "Of course I do, this is God's Word!" The salesman answered, "Well, what about the story about the guy who was eaten by a big fish and lived to tell about it?" The Farmer answered, "Oh yes, the story of Jonah!. Yes, I've read it and believe it." The salesman asked, "How could have possibly have lived through that?" The farmer said, "Well, the Bible doesn't give us every last detail, and I must admit, I have wondered about that too. I guess I'll just have to wait until I get to heaven to ask him?" "AHA!" Said the Salesman, "What if he isn't IN heaven?" The farmer calmly answered, "Then YOU can ask him."

Merri Para, Kingsley, MI

Bible Joke Quiz!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter; She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your Mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the
Bible?
A. Moses; He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan; The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David; He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

James Morgan, Olympia, WA