FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW|
Jokes with a Religious Theme
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it
important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So,
they went shopping.
Q: What do you call a Baptist who can read?
How Faiths Fight Fires
It seems there was a Lutheran Minister who was in all respects
a good man. He cared for his congregation deeply but he was
afflicted with one vice. He was an avid golfer. Living as he
did in Minnesota, the golfing year was limited to the few months
that pass for spring and summer. It was one of those mornings
when Spring suddenly burst on the scene. He was up early because
it was Sunday and he had just a few changes that he wanted to
make in his sermon. It was probably the singing of the birds
that led to what happened. He called one of his trusted friends,
assumed the voice of one suffering from a terrible cold and
asked his friend to cover his service as he was feeling very
poorly. His friend agreed. That done the reverend loaded his
golf clubs into his car and drove for three hours to a course
where no one would know him. It was on the first hole. An angel
looked down saw what was happening and went directly to God.
"Look at this", he said, " A man of God missing a Sunday service
to play golf." God looked down and said "Yes, I suppose he need
some kind of punishment." The Minister addressed the ball, swung
smoothly and watched in utter amazement as the ball carried
perfectly around a dogleg, bounced on the green and followed
a difficult break to roll into the hole. "I thought you were
going to punish him." The angel said.
A man was walking a little too close to the edge of a cliff
and he fell off. Luckily, he caught hold of a branch, but couldn't
hold on very long. He yelled out, "Help, is there anyone up
there who can help me, maybe throw me a rope?"
Lady dies and goes to heaven. Tells St. Peter she wants to find
her husband who predeceased her.
A deacon a bishop and a priest are doing missionary work in
a far off land. They are captured by the local government and
sentanced to death.
THERE WERE THREE MARRIED COUPLES-ONE IN THEIR EARLY 20'S, ANOTHER
IN THEIR 40'S AND ANOTHER IN THEIR 60'S. A LUTHERRN MINISTER
WAS COUNCILING THEM ON THEIR ADMISSION INTO A LUTHERAN CHURCH.
THEY ALL DID WELL ,BUT THE PASTOR SAID THAT THRIR WAS ONE MORE
REQUIRMENT WHICH WAS THAT THEY HAD TO REFRAIN FROM HAVING SEX
FOR A MONTH. A MONTH WENT BY AND HE SAID TO THE 40S COUPLE "DID
YOU REFRAIN FROM SEX?' THEY SAID ALL WENT WELL, BUT IT GOT TOUGH
IN THE LAST WEEK. THEY SAID, HOWEVER, THAT THEY HAD REFRAINED.
THE 60 YEAR COUPLE SAID THEY HAD NO PROBLEM AT ALL REFRAINING.
NEXT CAME THE COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY 20'S. THEY WERE ASKED BY
THE PASTOR IF THEY HAD REFRAINED FROM SEX FOR THE MONTH? THE
HUSBAND SAID WELL IT WENT THIS WAY. THE FIRST WEEK WAS TOUGH,
THEN THE SECOND WEEK IT GOT EVEN WORSE, AND THE THIRD WEEK WAS
EXCUSIATING. MY WIFE WAS IN A HOT PINK MINI-SKIRT AND SHE DROPPED
SOME FRUIT AND BENT OVER TO PICK IT UP-AND THAT WAS IT. THE
PASTOR SAID "WELL IN THAT CASE I CAN NOT WECOME YOU TO THE CHURCH.
THE WIFE SAID 'YEA, WE ARE NOT WELCOMED AT THE GROCERY STORE
ANYMORE EITHER. (NOTE THIS JOKE CAN BE DONE WITH A PRIEST, RABI
A farmer named Muldoon lived in the Irish countryside, alone
except for the company of his faithful dog, Riley. One day Reily
died and Muldoon was heartbroken. He went to see his parish
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth
to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent
the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God,
"Yes it is bad on Earth; 95% is bad and 5% is good.
We've got some tough Unitarians in our town.
Q: What kind of car did Jesus drive?
The Pope, after receiving a message from God that GK could be
saved from the wrath of the Lake Wobegon Lutherans decides to
book a pilgrimage to GK’s studio through Minneapolis-St. Paul.
Unfortunately, upon his arrival in Minneapolis, the Pope learns
that all air travel to Lake Wobegon has been curtailed due to
inclement weather. Recognizing the urgency of his earthly duties
the Pope books a limousine to complete the trip.
"Sister Mary": Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal
of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a very
advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT
until you hear this! The priest led the sister to a chair, and
said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
Well, Father" the nun began, "I was walking down the hall to
the capel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
A serious infraction,indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not
what has me so excited, Father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT
they were wagering ON! They had waged on a contest to see who
could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible
wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit
the CEILING, father." To which the priest replied... "How much
did you win?"
Adam was walking around in the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely,
so God asked him,"What is wrong with you?" Adam said he did
not have anyone to talk to.
Two priests were playing golf. The 1st priest's drive went into
the rough and he muttered, "Damn, I missed the fairway!" The
2nd priest said, "You better watch your language!"
A guy was driving along when his car broke down in front of
a church were monks live.The guy asks the monks if he can stay
there for the night.They say yes.During the night he hears a
noise.He asks the monk,"What was that noise?" The monk said,"I
can't tell you your not a monk."Ten years later the same guys
car breaks down in front of the same church.Again he spends
the night there and hears the same noise. Again he gets the
same answer.So he spends the next 20 years becoming a monk.Then
he goes back to the church and asks about the noise. The monk
points to a wooden door. The guy opened the door and there was
the sound.Want to know what the sound was? I can't tell you,Your
not a monk!
A pastor was visiting a fellow pastor in a neighboring church
one day and noticed that he looked disturbed. Asking what troubled
him, he was told that his friend was missing his bicycle.It
seemed that he had always parked his bike by the front of the
church, just behind the big bush. No one passing by could see
it but everyone who attended church knew that was where he always
parked it. He didn't want to accuse anyone from his church of
stealing it, but he did want it back. He didn't know what to
do.His friend suggested that he give a Hell Fire and Brimstone
sermon the next Sunday on the 10 Commandments and really bear
down when he got to Thou Shalt Not Steal. Perhaps the thief
would get a guilty concience and return the bike. He agreed
to try it.The following Monday, the pastor visited his friend
to see how it went.The friend replied" I preached the best sermon
ever on the 10 Commandments, and when I got down to Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultry I remembered where I parked my Bike".
Two nuns where driving down a country road when their car began
to sputter and finally stopped.
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next
to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange
kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he
asked the man,
God was taking a little coffee break after having created the
heavens and Earth, when one of his angels appeared looking rather
worried. "God," stammered the angel, "I was down on Earth, taking
a little look around, and I must say you did a fine job. A truly
fine job. But I think there's one problem. I was noticing that
on one of the coasts you really outdid yourself. It has beatiful
beaches, stunning sunsets, fertile soils, majestic mountains,
pleasant temperate weather, near limitless natural beauty, all
manner of food, and to top it off, all of this magnificence
and bounty is clumped together. Why, you can pratically see
the ocean beaches from the tops of the snow capped mountains.
When mankind invents cars, they'll be able to drive to all of
these things within a couple of hours." God looked up from his
coffee and said, "Yeah, so, what's the problem?" "Well," said
the angel, "I was wondering, how are you going to keep all of
the people of Earth from crowding into that little bit of land
on the coast." "Don't worry about it," said God, "that's where
I'm going to put the Californians."
When the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat the occupants were more
than ready to leave. Noah made one last sweep and found a despondent
snake in the hold.--"Why are you sad and why haven't you left?"
asked Noah.--"Because I'm so inadequate" replied the snake.--"Inadequate?"
queried Noah.--"Yes" continued the snake, "The Lord commanded
that we go forth and MULTIPLY and I'm an ADDER."
The doctor, lawyer and minister were called to the dying miser's
bedside. The miser said, "I'm going to take it all with me -
I have $90,000 cash. There's $30,000 for each one of you. Just
before they fill in my grave, put the cash in the hole with
me and that way no one will get it!"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up
and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned
just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor
asked the man where he had gone.
A farmer was plowing in the field. Across the plowed ground
came his young son. "Father" he said, "there is a preacher up
at the house."
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and spends
years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good
Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils
of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are out playing golf. (Don't ask
why there isn't a foursome. It's Jesus and Moses. They can pretty
much do what they want to.) Jesus is ready to tee off. He looks
around, gets a feel for the wind, and takes a whack at it. The
ball slices hard to the left and--SPLASH!--Right in the water
hazard. Before the ball can sink, Jesus runs out onto the water
and hits it again. BLAM! It goes straight onto the green.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
It's a dark stormy night, two nuns are driving through Transylvania.
Suddenly, a ferocious and bloodthirsty vampire appears in their
headlights. The one nun turns to the other and says "Quick,
show him your cross!" The otyher rolls dowqn thew window leans
her head out and yells "Get out of the road you stupid git!"
A married woman is having an affair and whenever her lover is
there she puts her young son in the closet. One day during his
visit, the husband comes home unexpectedly so she quickly puts
the lover in the closet as well. The man and boy are sitting
in the closet when the boy says, "Gee, it's kinda dark in here."
The man says, "Yeah, I guess it is." The boy says, "Hey Mister,
you wanna buy a baseball?" The man says, "No, I don't want to
buy a baseball!" The boy says, "Yeah, I think you do." Realizing
his position and a shake down when he hears it, he says, "Alright,
how much?" "Twenty five bucks." "What?! You've got to be kidding.
No! No...oh, all right." and gives over the money. Some time
later the same scene happens again. The man and boy are in the
closet again as the boy says, "Gee, it's kinda dark in here."
"Yeah, it is." "You wanna buy a ball glove?" "No. How much?"
"Fifty bucks." Knowing he's stuck, he pays again. That saturday
the father says to his son, "Hey, go get your ball and glove
and we'll play catch." "Can't Dad. I sold 'em." Thinking the
boy had traded for marbles or some other kid kind of thing he
says, "How much did you get?" "Seventy five bucks." "Seventy
five bucks?!! That's outrageous! That's shameful. That's a sin.
In fact, you're going to confession right now and ask for forgiveness."
The man drags his son to the church, throws him into the confessional
and slams the door. He's sitting in there a while and says,
"Gee, it's kinda dark in here." And the priest says, "Don't
you start that stuff in here!!"
Catholic wife: "Oh what a beautiful bouquet! Where did you get
A leader of the Jewish community contracted smallpox and was
A man is talking to God one day. He asks, "Hey God, how much
is a million dollars to You?"
In recent years I have developed the comforting belief that
when we die, all heels will be wounded-- no, I mean, all wounds
will be healed. (ah, maybe both) -- from an agnostic Unitarian
Little Howard, the Jewish shopkeeper's son, lived in a small
Midwestern city where there was no Jewish school. His parents
decided Catholic school was the next best thing.
The Devil's Sister
Two Jesuits were visiting an old lady in Ireland. It was such
a great honor for her to have two Jesuits over that she went
all out in preparing a meal for them: she milked the cow for
some fresh milk, baked her best bread, and even killed two cockerels
for the feast. She had a splendid evening with her guests, who
ate every speck of that marvelous supper she had prepared. Finally,
that delightful evening had to end, and the two priests went
home. As they were leaving, they heard a cock crow.
THE STORY OF THE TRIDS
An old priest invited the younger new priest to his house for
dinner. When the young priest arrived, he was surprised to see
that the old priest had a shapely, beautiful, sensuous house
maid. During dinner, the young priest finally spoke up. "Father
Jacob," he said, "I must ask you about your house maid. She
is beautiful. Don't you find it difficult to resist temptation."
You heard the one about the dyslectic agnostic? He was up all
night trying to figure out if there really is a Dog.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HYMNS AND PRAISE CHORUSES
A little boy rushes downstairs to the kitchen where his mother
is cooking dinner..."Mother, Mother is it true what they say
in the Bible, that from dust you were made and to dust you shall
return"? She answers..."Yes,dear.
What's the difference between an agnostic, an athiest and a
A young boy was looking over a list of names in the church bulletin
on a Memorial Day Sunday service, and asked his father, "Dad,
why are all these names in the bulletin?" His father replied,
"These are the names of all the people who died in the service."
The boy's eyes lit up and he asked, "Which one, the 9 o'clock
or the 11 o'clock?
Two priests died and went to heaven. It seems there was a computer
problem. St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and told them
there would be a delay before they could enter. He told them
during the wait they could be something they had always wanted
to be. The first priest said that he had always wanted to be
an Eagle and sore over the mountains. St. Peter said, "No problem."
The second priest stated he would like to be a "stud". St. Peter
said OK. A few days later, God told St. Peter to gather up the
priests, as it was time for them to enter Heaven. St. Peter
said that it would be no problem to find the first priest as
he was an eagle soring over the Rockie Mountains, but finding
the second priest would be a problem. "Why?", asked God. "Well,"
St. Peter replied, "He is on some snow tire in North Dakota"
An old man died and went to heaven.
A ministers wife and her friend are downtown shopping when
they are just bowled over by a dress in a boutique shop
window. The minister's wife exclaims, "Isn't that a beautiful
dress!" Her friend encourages her to go into the shop and
try it on. "Oh,no" the minister's wife firmly pronounces..."we
could never afford it." Her friend replies,"But, it wouldn't
hurt just to try it on..." So in they go. The minister's
wife tries on the dress and of course it fits PERFECTLY.
Feeling as if the temptation to buy the dress is getting
the best of her, she stiffens up, looks straight into the
mirror and commands,"SATAN! GET THEE BEHIND ME! All of a
sudden you hear from behind... "I AM! And it looks great
from back here too!
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while,
the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a
The Three Truths of Religion:
A farmer discided to eat his lunch at the cafe in town. While
he was eating at the counter, he was reading his Bible. In
walked a salesman, and after seeing that the farmer was reading
his Bible, he sat down beside him. After a moment the salesman
asked, "You don't really believe everything you read in there,
do you?" The farmer looked shocked and said, "Of course I
do, this is God's Word!" The salesman answered, "Well, what
about the story about the guy who was eaten by a big fish
and lived to tell about it?" The Farmer answered, "Oh yes,
the story of Jonah!. Yes, I've read it and believe it." The
salesman asked, "How could have possibly have lived through
that?" The farmer said, "Well, the Bible doesn't give us every
last detail, and I must admit, I have wondered about that
too. I guess I'll just have to wait until I get to heaven
to ask him?" "AHA!" Said the Salesman, "What if he isn't IN
heaven?" The farmer calmly answered, "Then YOU can ask him."
Bible Joke Quiz!
A little boy wanted a bike for Christmas so he asked his grandmother
how he could get one. She told him to write a letter to Jesus
asking for one. So he began his letter: "Dear Jesus, If you
will bring me a bike for Christmas I'll go to Mass every day
for a year." Then he got to thinking about that so he tore
up the letter and started another one: "Dear Jesus, If you
will bring me a bike for Christmas I will go to Mass once
a month for a year." Then he got to thinking about that commitment.
He went into his grandmother's bedroom and took her statue
of Mary, wrapped it in a blanket and placed it in the bottom
drawer of his dresser. Then he sat down and wrote: "Dear Jesus,
If you ever want to see your mother again..."
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).