FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions

Riddles, Limericks & Pearls of Wisdom

Words to Live By...

1. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
4. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
5. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
6. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
7. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
8. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
10. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
11. There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
12. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
13. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
14. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
15. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
16. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
17. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
22. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
23. I am a nutritional overachiever.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
32. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
33. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
34. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
35. One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman
gain five pounds.
36. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
37. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
38. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
39. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
40. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
41. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you
stopped laughing.

Robert Tisdale, Blue Ridge, GA


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Mark Fischer, Wilmington, IL


A scientist interested in all things avian became obsessed
with the ways in which seagull biology interacted with that of other mammalian physiology. This rather strange-minded individual found that by feeding live seagulls to porpoises he could make the fishlike mammals live forever. As it were, when he was out collecting more seagulls for his nonenvironmentally sound experiments, a lion escaped from the local zoo and took up residence in his driveway. Upon returning and finding the lion rather docile, the scientist jumped over the lion (bearing his cage of soon-to-be-porpoise-food) with the intent of proceeding to his laboratory. An police officer happening by witnessed this and immediately arrested the scientist. The charge: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

Jeremy Potter, Pueblo, CO


There once was a pair of Glaswegians...
Who wore on their feet four Bass Weejuns.
They spoke with a lilt,
And each wore a kilt...
Which covered their lower ass regions.

Steve Greenwald, Cleveland, OH


There once was a girl named Ann Heiser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her,
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

Ken Pober, Indiana, PA


A new support group been formed.
It's called DAM.

Mothers Against Dyslexia

Mike Hafele, Amery, WI


A group of Friars were behind on their mortgage payments on the abbey, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise money. Since everyone in town liked to buy flowers from the "Men of God," the rival florist across town saw his business take a tumble and thought the competition unfair.

The rival florist called and asked the good Friars to close down, but they refused. He personally went to the abbey to plead with the Friars, but they ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the Friars to get out of the florist business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and meanest thug in town to "persuade" the Friars to close. Hugh went over to the abbey, beat the Friars up, trashed the shop, and left saying he'd be back if the Friars didn't close their florist business.

Terrified, the Friars did so, thereby proving, (brace yourself),

"That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars."

John Davis, San Diego, CA


Time flies like the wind,
Fruit flies like bananas.

Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington


My Aunt used this crème that promised to give her the skin of a teenager.
A week later, she broke out in pimples.

Joe Thacker, Bethesda, MD


I bought a wooden whistle, but it wouldn't whistle,
I bought a steel whistle, but I steel couln't whistle,
So I bought a tin whistle, & now I tin whistle!

Richard Rucinski, Crown Point, In


What is the date that gives a comand?
March 4th!

joe beaulieu, torrington, wy


BITS OF INFORMATION TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life
I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?
And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do
death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(hmm.....)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its
right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little
bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this
research??)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head,
before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life
I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles
in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles
to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.

Jon Steel, Kenwood, CA


there once was a monk in siberia
whose ways were very inferior
he did to a nun what he shouldn't have done
and made her a mother superior

it's the funniest limeric i heard

anita martha behrendt, ashkelon, israel


Time flys like an arrow.....
fruit flys like a bananna...
(or fruitflies like a bananna )

please choose the wording that you think looks the best
don't you just love double entendre ??

Jay Dizacomo, Latham, ny



If an Airline that flies between North America and Europe is called Transcontinental, would one that flew only in Europe or North America be considered Incontinent?

Toni Mays, Hastings, NE



Everyone remembers one of the greatest persons of the 20th century, Mahatma Gandhi. He asked nothing for himself - traveling long distances over rough terrain without shoes while becoming frail through a rigid diet of low calorie vegetables. Yet, he was always ready to give answers to anyone who needed to find more meaning in their life. Is there one word that could sum up such a worthy man?

No, but the closest I can get is 'Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-halitosis'.


If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?


...Have you ever considered a world with no hypothetical situations?

David Fischer, Kalamazoo, MI


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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