FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions

Jokes beginning with "What"

Q: What is the difference between In-laws and Out-laws?
A: Out-laws are wanted.

Joe Anonymous, Oswego, Ny


what do you call cheese that isn't yours?

...nacho cheese

Dale Moore, Lawton, Mi


What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

De-calf-inated.

Sarah Greengross, Granada Hills, CA
Age: 9


Q.What's the difference between a conservative woman and a German Shepard?

A. There isn't any. They're both tied to the porch until their owner wants to play with them.

WARREN PATTEN, CHICO, CA


What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. What do you get if a Viagra pill gets caught in your throat? A stiff neck.

George Harris, Odessa, NY


Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

A. A sweater!

Grant Geist, Knoxville, TN
Age: 9


Joe: What has four legs, is green, and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

Max: What?

Joe: A pool table

Joe Guncheon, Kaneohe, HI


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
BOB

What do call a man with no arms and no legs on the front doorstep?
MATT

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
ART

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
PHIL

Liz Kendrick, Los Angeles, CA


What did the hat say to the hat-rack?
You stay here & I'll go on ahead.

Martin McHenry, Lincoln, Ne


Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck!

Michael McLoughlin, Brownton, MN


What do you get when you cross a dyslectic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG.

Sandi Warner, Fish Haven, ID


What do you call a turtle who can fly?

A shellicopter.

Charles Hoffman, Berea, KY


What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

Hop in.

Michael Teerlink, Provo, UT


What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?

Run around til you get pooped out

larry wilcox, Rochester, ny


Q. What do you call it when the Vice President plays the drums?

A. Algorithm.

John Garvin, Marion, OH


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs......on a wall?
Art

...in a pile of leaves?
Russle

...in front of the door?
Matt

...in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a woman missing a leg?
Ileen

What do you call an asian woman missing a leg?
Ireen
Daniel Moritz
, Waterford, NY


Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with Milk of Magnesia?
A: A Religious movement
Eric Burdette, Durham, NH


Q: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Judith Kirihara, Merced, CA


Q:What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick

John Holder, Birmingham, Al


Q: What is the difference between cowboy boots and wingtip shoes?

A: The cowboy boots have the BS on the outside.

(The perfect setup for this is to first complement your intended victim, or Governor, on his good looking wingtips)

Bill Winter, East Hartford, CT


What goes, "Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG!"?

Amish drive-by shootings.

Leslie Ellis, Dresden, ME


What do you call a woman with with one leg?
Ilene.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter because he can't come.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.

Ken Lavish, Silver Spring, MD


What did the fish say when he bumped into a cement wall?
Dam

Liz Vivian, Renton, WA


What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons; Architects build targets.

Stephen Reimer, Philadelphia, PA


WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A ONE LEGGED HITCHHIKER?? ~~"HOP IN"

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A HITCHHIKER WITH NO LEGS?? ~~"NEED A LIFT?"

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KINKY AND PERVERTED??
~~KINKY IS WHEN YOU USE A FEATHER...PERVERTED IS WHEN YOU USE A LIVE CHICKEN!!

JESSICA BARNETT, CYNTHIANA, KY



What is the difference between a female jogger and a sewing machine?
a sewing machine only has one bobbin.

BrendaLou Scott, Eureka, CA


What goes "oom oom"?
A cow walking backwards
Hilary Davis, Mankato, MN
Age: 11


What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
You pick-it.
dave markgraf, Mountain Lake Park, MD


WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THE WEATHER FORCAST SAYS THERE'S A 40% CHANCE OF RAIN? IT MEANS THAT 4 OF THE 10 GUYS AT THE WEATHER BUREAU THINK IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND 6 OF 'EM DON'T.

HELEN MOORE, LOS ANGELES , CA


What do "Winnie the Pooh" and "Jack the Ripper" have in
common?

Their middle name
John Lechner, Stockton, CA


What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat?"

Laurie Roberts, Albany, CA


What's the loudest pet?
A trum-pet!

What do you get when you have seven rabbits in a row walking backwards?
A receding hare line!

Why isn't it a good idea to go up in the attic after a big meal?
Chances are you won't fine one up there.

What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?
Gee, you're a fungi.

Ken Lavish, Silver Spring, MD


Q: What does a sadist do to a masochist?

A: Nothing.

Brad Davis, Osterville, MA



Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy