My Private Wobegon

stories from home

Drinks All Around
By Verda Ryden

That sorry, rotten daughter of mine was at it again. There were people all over the house; I could hear them laughing and talking and smell their cheap perfumes and aftershaves. I made my way down the hall and parked beside the dining room table where two men in overalls sat. They were eating from a large snack tray and drinking beer. I knew they were some of Willie Joe's kin because of their huge shoulders and because they were wearing dirty work caps. All of Willie Joe's family were farmers, raising pigs, cows, and chickens, and always wore their clothes and boots, muddy and smelly. But these two guys were at least being polite and quietly filling their bellies; they nodded at me as I reached for a celery stick. They knew I was Thelma Lu's mother, and their kin, Willie Joe, was getting married to her today.

I could hear the widow, Joy Haines, and Tilly Mays behind my wheelchair, gossiping about Thelma Lu. They always thought I couldn't hear very good.

"Just last week I saw her sittin' in a Lincoln with that old fat guy who owns the Katnip Bar. Then they got out of the car and went into the bar and it was only 4:00. That bar doesn't even open until 6:00 in the evening."

"Well, I'll be," said Tilly, "and you know she hardly ever comes home 'till all the bars close."

They yakked on, as if I wasn't even there, but they weren't saying anything I didn't already know. I knew Thelma Lu was a total screw-up; she'd been living with me for almost forty years. The thoughts of finally getting rid of her made me feel a little tingly, but I felt a cold chill, too. After all, this day wasn't over yet.

"Mama," Thelma Lu said in her whiny voice. "I'm going to need a little money for some more ice and beer; the guys are gonna run out soon."

I handed her a twenty from my purse. I always had to keep it with me to be sure she wasn't helping herself. She had on a lot of make-up, as usual, and a little pink tiara in her hair that was only half-bleached. Apparently she had rolled her hair, because instead of being straight and stringy, there were little fuzzy curls everywhere. She moved her fat face out from in front of me and was gone. I felt lucky getting off for only twenty bucks, but there she was again.

"I'll need ten more to get some cigarettes and at least five more for some gas. Willie Joe and I will be using the car to get out to the U-Turn Motel tonight. His brothers need the truck to haul pigs in tomorrow."

I handed her another twenty. After all, she would finally be leaving, at least for tonight, I hoped. This was the fourth wedding she had cooked up in the past eight years which was as close to cooking as Thelma Lu ever came. There has been a long line of men through here and she tried to snag all of them. She used to be a gym teacher at the grade school before then, but she got fired when she was caught making out with a janitor. After that, she never bothered to get another job at the school, saying she couldn't stand the kids either.

She just sat around all day in a rumpled robe, her eyes bloodshot from hangovers and bitched about how rotten her life was. That was eight years ago and the only thing that's changed is she drinks more now; it was also when she met that first slob she wanted to marry. They had met in some redneck bar and never sobered up until they'd bought some rings at a pawn shop and set a date. Thelma Lu went down to the thrift shop and bought a pink prom dress with little purple sequins, and hired a wormy-looking preacher. She invited everyone they knew from the bar over one Friday night but the slob never showed up. He finally called at 11:30 that night and said he'd got picked up for drunk driving on the way over. So everyone went down to the jail to try and get him out but he had so many charges from other states on his record, it looked like he would never get out. So Thelma Lu told everyone she'd been working undercover with the cops to catch the moron and invited everyone back over to party all night.

She was right about one thing; she was working undercover all over the place from then on. But the next serious affair was with some old goat twice her age who lived at the Golden Dew Nursing Home. She drug out that damn pink dress and rings and hired the same wino preacher to perform the service on a hot July day. That afternoon everyone showed up except the old goat, so Thelma Lu and some of the old folks went over to his room at Golden Dew. They found him stone-dead trying to put on his shoes, so Thelma Lu invited everyone back over for drinks and to eat the cake. They partied all night and the next day Thelma Lu went down to the funeral home and cussed out the old man's relatives for not helping him put on his shoes.

She moped around for days after that, drinking and carrying on, "I'm thirty-six years old, Mama, and look like I'm forty-five! I'm never going to meet anyone new around this town."

So she started bleaching her hair and wearing those awful mini-skirts with boots up to her rear. She found a job at a college-bar in a town not too far from here and finally hooked up with some nut who said he was Psychology Professor. They began analyzing each other every night and he started staying over here most of the time until Thelma Lu told him they had to get married because of me. She began planning another big bash and got out that pink prom dress and rings again; she even made the old preacher promise to be sober this time. But the big day, a Saturday in July, came and went and by nighttime the nut had not shown up. So Thelma Lu cut up the cake and told everyone this was just a rehearsal party and to drink up. Later she took the knife and went down to the college-bars looking for the nut, but she couldn't find him. A couple of days later when she was taking me to the grocery store, she spotted him driving down the street.

"You sorry sucker," she screamed and proceeded to run him off the road into a ditch. "You're lucky I didn't find you Saturday night or I would have cut your…." There was a siren screaming in the background and a cop car pulled up.

It was a big scene by the time the cops got Thelma Lu off the guy; he was trying to explain to her that he'd gone back to his old lady and kids. Thelma Lu just kept punching him in the face and it seems he wasn't a professor either, but a used car salesman, which was good because he'd need another car since Thelma Lu had thrown a chunk of concrete through his windshield. The cops made Thelma Lu promise to go home and then they called a wrecker to get the nut's car out of the ditch. But Thelma Lu wanted to go by the bar so we stopped and made a night of it. My nerves were shot, too, and I began to see why Thelma Lu drank all of the time. Of course, I had never had a hangover, at least not like the one I had the next morning when I tripped over Thelma Lu's boots and cracked my hip. I ended up in this wheelchair depending on Thelma Lu to cook and clean which has been a nightmare.

That was a couple of years back and hardly a day went by when Thelma Lu wasn't bitching or drunk. She'd push my wheelchair through the house like a maniac, bumping into walls and slamming me up to the table to eat whatever she had cooked up. Then she'd take off and be gone half the night, coming home cussing me, waking up the neighbors, and all the dogs in Southern Ohio. The next day her stringy hair would be hanging in her face while she smoked and drank Alka Seltzers all day and I did my own cooking.

"I'm gonna quit working at that damn bar," she said one morning, "and go to work down at the Honk 'N Hollor Quick Stop. You'll have to get someone to help out cause I'll be on the day shift, probably." She turned back over on the divan and went back to sleep.

So the last few months I got Tilly Mays to help out which always provided her with lots of gossip and trash to tell to the Widow Joy Haines. Then Thelma Lu met Willie Joe, a local farmer, who always stopped by the Quick Stop to buy snacks. They seemed to hit it off from the start and Thelma Lu stopped drinking so much and hanging out at the bars. She started going by Willie Joe's but one night his mother dropped dead so after the funeral, Thelma started going over to cook and clean for him. Eventually Willie Joe started coming over here to eat and Thelma Lu started hinting that they should get married. About the only thing Willie Joe ever said was, "Where are we gonna eat supper at every night?"

"Why, I'll be fixin' supper every night for you," Thelma Lu said, "and Mama will still let us come over here, too."

That seemed to make Willie Joe feel better about the whole situation so Thelma Lu set a date and they bought a new ring for Willie Joe at the Pawn Shop. His finger was too fat for the other ring but Thelma Lu kept her old ring and got that damn pink dress out again. She could barely fit into the old thing but she said, "That dress and tiara make me feel lucky." She had to hire a new preacher because the other one died and we've spent a fortune on all these snack-trays and a big chocolate wedding cake.

The widow Joy Haines says Willie Joe is quite a catch. "He's just a little over forty and makes a good living on that farm. He's also just a little over-weight and a little spoiled by his mama, but it'll be good for Thelma Lu to have to wait on him."

She and Tilly Mays had a big laugh as did most of these other idiots that showed up today. My other daughter, Doris Lee, and her husband, Ed, are here, too, making bets on whether Thelma Lu will actually get hitched today. I told them all, "I'm bettin' on Thelma Lu and there'll be drinks all around after the ceremony today."

When Thelma Lu came back from the store, I could tell she was getting drunk. She handed me back my change, almost a buck, and said in her whiny voice, "You know, Mama, if I can get Willie Joe to sell that farm, we'll all go on a big honeymoon cruise in a couple of months."

I only hoped that no one had heard her say that, especially since Willie Joe was just coming in the door. He was all spruced up; his thinning red hair was parted down the middle and he had a yellow tie on hanging down past the bib on his overalls. Thelma Lu took a quick look, then a long look, and began to blush or maybe the booze she had drank was making her light-headed. She offered him her hand and they walked around the room smiling and laughing. They looked like the perfect couple to me.

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Verda Ryden
My name is Verda Ryden and I am a part-time, older student at Oklahoma State University majoring in History and English. I live in Stillwater with my mom, Vera, and my 38-year-old son, David. I work as a home health worker for an agency that deals with disabled adults.

I was born in Lawton, OK in 1944 and raised on a dairy farm; my dad, Othadell, died in 2000. I have taken college courses for four years and have written a few short stories for classes and hope you enjoy this one.