Dear Mr. Keillor...
You bring laughter and joy to so many people, but I rarely hear
you laugh on your program. What makes you laugh?
Travis Hawkins
Birmingham, AL
Travis, I laugh at other people's stuff,
and when Al Franken was on and did his graduation speech, I
sat and cackled in the wings, but it's just bad form to laugh
at your own jokes. I always liked the poker-faced comedians,
going back to Buster Keaton and Jack Benny. They seemed so classy
and magisterial, sort of standing above and beyond the comedy.
Jack Benny is a permanent memory for all of us lucky enough
to have seen and heard him. (He was one who made an easy transition
to television and, miraculously, looked exactly as we'd imagined
him all those years.) Standing, arms folded, handsome profile,
dignified, looking pleasantly confused at the audience howling
at his joke, he was a real prince of the realm. If you'd ever
seen him, you'd want to be classy like that. By the way, Al
Franken sat in the wings as I did my monologue and didn't laugh
at all. He was on his cellphone most of the time. Nonetheless,
a wonderful guy. I hear he used to be on television. I wish
I had seen him back then. Oh well.
So, Garrison,
I read in your bio that back in 1987, you closed the show due
to "sheer exhaustion," yet I read in "P.t.t.H."
that since the show's rebirth, you're doing fine and there's
no end in sight. So, what's different this time?
Steve Israel
Sylvania, OH
You heard wrong. I closed the show because
of a woman named Sharon Austin. She was 6'2, blonde, drop-dead
beautiful, and she was the cause of my exhaustion. She was a
devil woman and I was powerless to resist even though I was
raised right; when she walked in, my mind was no longer my own.
We sailed away for a year and a day to a land where we walked
hand in hand on the strand and I played a small guitar by the
light of the moon and so forth. It was something I'll never
forget. What's different this time? Lots. I'm older and slower.
And once you've sailed in a pea-green boat, you don't have the
urge to do it again.
Dear Garrison,
There are at least six plans about what to do with "Ground
Zero" in New York. I believe a suitable memorial surrounded
by a lovely park with benches, walkways, children's playgrounds,
possibly some concessions such as a restaurant, small theater
and a place for art works would be the best tribute to those
who lost their lives. What do you think should done with the
space?
Joe Adams
Hillsdale, New Jersey
I dread the thought of a big memorial
in Manhattan that's designed by committee and that's gone through
public hearings and so forth ----- it's going to be cold and
ugly and pretentious and the upshot will be one more public
space that the public hates, of which there are plenty already.
New York is a bustling commercial city and that's the beauty
of it, it's a city of young ambitious dreamy people, like the
folks who died in the towers, and it's not a memorializing city.
Historic events occurred in New York that in any other city
would be commemorated with interpretive centers and guides and
historical museums and in New York there's barely a little plaque.
That's a great thing, in my estimation. It's a hustling city,
full of immigrants looking for their big chance, and compared
to that spirit of entrepreneurship, a memorial plaza with a
fountain and a statue of something seems dead to me. Look at
Grant's Tomb. Who walks past it and thinks about President Grant?
Nobody. People sit in the plaza by Grant's Tomb and think about
lunch, about sex, about money, about all the things that New
York is about. If you want to find Grant, read his memoirs.
His monument seems odd in New York: it belongs in Washington,
which is our memorial city. New York is for the young and lively.
Dear Garrison:
Are you going to do any more audio collections of The News From
Lake Wobegon?
Pat
Pat, you're the first person to ask
me that. So thanks for your interest. Most people ask if I'm
getting close to retirement and what sort of care facility I
have in mind. You're the first to intimate that maybe I have
more in me. The NFLW seems to be useful for calming people down
on long car trips and getting antsy kids to go to sleep. If
you're a parent, you know that pediatricians are wary of prescribing
knock-out narcotics to kids under 5, even though the parents
are borderline psychotic from sleep loss. My NFLW, according
to those in the know, is more potent than sleeping pills. But
the old monologues work just as well, so what's the point?
Dear Garrison:
I have recently decided to make the jump from my factory job
and become an elementary teacher. Any good advice?
A Five Year Fan,
Tom Smith
Tom, my little girl is fond of all her
nursery school teachers but especially the one young man who
has bravely chosen this line of work. Kids need to have men
around to respond to ---- it's the normal environment for them,
just as men need to live in a world with kids. So I salute you.
No advice, except the obvious. One must take great care, develop
great patience, make no sudden moves, allow kids their space,
be grateful for every tiny bit of progress, and keep all dark
thoughts to yourself.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
I'm in my early thirties now and it's probably
time for me to start thinking about finding a nice boy and settling
down. I've lived in Oklahoma, San Francisco, London, and now
I live in Paris. I guess I'm a little bit of a wanderer. I'm
not too terrible to look at, I am a self-taught computer programmer
and support my little bohemian life here with my own programming
business. If I had to describe an ideal boyfriend he would be
some cross between, say, Philip Marlowe, Gary Cooper, Seymour
Glass, and Paul McCartney.
The boys I usually meet though, even here in
Paris, are usually more into South Park than Salinger. Being
a thinking man yourself, where do nice thinking men my age lurk?
Where did you lurk when you were single and in your thirties?
Any suggestions?
Best,
Sondra Russell
Sondra, It's been so long since I was
single and in my thirties, I hardly remember where I lurked.
In an office, I guess, and at a typewriter in my bedroom. Walking
the streets late at night feeling hopeless. If anyone had wanted
to troll for me, it would've been a lot of work for not enough
prize: what would she have if she were successful? Just another
moody writer all wrapped up in himself. Don't judge young men
by their tastes ---- men change dramatically in their 30s and
40s. Pepsiheads find out about wine, couch potatoes discover
the beauties of biking, viewers can turn into readers. You judge
a man by how he makes you feel, and if he makes you feel loved
and if he makes you laugh and if he's good to talk to, then
what does Salinger have to do with it?
GK,
When is the Hopeful Gospel Quartet going to make another album?
They have been pure joy this year.
June and Bunjie
June and Bunjie, The HGQ is on the road
in September, in San Luis Obispo, Albuquerque, Denver, and Cincinnati,
and I expect that during a long wait in an airport lounge, one
of us will say, "Why don't we make a CD sometime?"
Sort of like an old married couple and one of them says, "Why
don't we take a vacation this year?" Good question, but
where? And what sort of CD? We were talking about a Christmas
CD, but then Linda Williams wanted to do a Bruce Springsteen
Tribute. She is a major fan. Somehow I couldn't imagine us doing
"Asbury Park" and I proposed an album called "Elvis
In The Building" and meanwhile Mollie is proposing we do
more R&B and rename the group, Mollie O'Brien and The Hopeful
Gospel Quartet, sort of like Diana Ross and the Supremes. .
We go around and around on this.
Dear Garrison,
Is it true that you need to suffer to be a good writer?
Regards,
Coe Huddleston
Coe, everybody gets a share of suffering,
whether you're a writer or a rodeo clown. It's just the human
experience. So if you're going to write about humans, yes, you
need to suffer, and don't worry, you will.
Dear Garrison,
I'm a southerner, and enjoy your show....I'd rather listen to
it than sit down to a plate of my mother's fried chicken. But,
I've never been to Minnesota, much less Lake Wobegon. And I
am wondering: What do people in Minnesota eat, and can you buy
whiskey there? I'm anxiously awaiting your answer.
John Pritchard
Virginia
John, we eat everything you eat
and a little more, that's why we're pear-shaped and wear our
shirts with the tails out. Okay, we don't eat grits, but it's
not that we mind them, we don't, they just seem bland to us
and no big deal. Who would make a cultural totem out of Cream
of Wheat? We wouldn't. And we don't make a fetish out of barbecue.
Pork ribs are just fine, cooked over a grill, but most barbecue
sauces try way too hard. You eat that pepper-ridden vinegary
stuff that gets under your fingernails and burns, and you feel
like catchup would be a real relief. And redeye gravy is just
a thin excuse to triple your sodium intake, if you ask me. Yes,
you can buy whiskey here, at certain hours, but if you need
some around midnight, you can't drive down a dirt road to a
farmhouse and turn in and knock on the door and ask for Zeb.
There's nobody here by that name.
