Dear Mr. K.,
I have recently moved to a small town and find myself facing
a dilemma: Is it better to befriend a gossiping busybody, or
to avoid her?
Charlotte
Robbinsville NC
Charlotte, Be a friend and if
you hear anything good, let me know.
Dear Garrison,
Since I regard you as the Commanding General of English Majors,
I hope you can explain the demise of the future tense. Why do
I so frequently hear broadcasters say, "We are back in
thirty seconds," or some similar expression of what WILL
occur in a minute, or two, or three, but phrased in the PRESENT
tense rather than in the future tense? I suppose this is "nit-picking"
at its worst, but it bugs me.
Nancy Wilson
Nancy, I haven't heard that, but don't
feel sheepish about the fact that it bugs you. Usage and syntax
are of interest and a person's style of English speaks volumes
about him/her and THIS IS A PASSIONATE SUBJECT. Well, not to
me, so much, but it's okay that you have STRONG FEELINGS about
it. I'm a writer, and therefore tend to be passive about speech
---- if I heard a broadcaster say that, I'd make a mental note
that that's how people in radio talk, and I'd use it in a story,
one more tiny detail from real life. I'd feel much more exercised
if I were a teacher and heard my students talk that way ----
it's my job to try to bring them into the glories of the castle
of English and not spend their lives camped in the parking lot.
Good for you that you're irked. So many people apologize for
language passion, afraid it's neurotic or small-minded or that
it betrays class bias, but there's no need to worry.
And when you get to my age, Nancy, you
will start to feel less apologetic in general.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
I'm just curious to know if you are a movie fan and also what
movie(s) you
particularly enjoyed. I'd like to know if you choose them by
subject or by the cast.
Thank you.
Darlene
Darlene, I choose movies according to
which ones my wife wants to see. That's the long and the short
of it. She likes romantic comedies and historical dramas and
she hates juvenile comedy and she abhors movies in which people
are impaled on sticks or their brains are blown out. I don't
mind romantic comedies, but most of them are so cunning and
contrived, like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," which
I whole-heartedly despised. I was the only one who did. I sat
in the theater and hated every single person I saw on screen
and wanted to impale them on sticks, especially the writer of
the movie. I thought, "Be careful lest you commit similar
sins with Lake Wobegon." On the other hand, I liked "About
Schmidt" a lot, though most people I know did not. It was
a funny movie and we saw it at the Uptown Theater in Minneapolis,
one of the last of the old big screen theaters, and the place
was packed and that's how to see a comedy, with other happy
people, not sitting in some surburban multiplex with a couple
of disgruntled teenagers. I like small odd movies with a lot
of texture, as we in the popcorn business say. Long passages
when people seem to be living their lives up on screen and you
don't feel the director jerking your string. "Gosford Park"
was a great movie, that way. And a movie a few months back about
sisters living in L.A. Lovely. Can't remember the story but
it was engrossing.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
This spring I will be finishing my PhD at a big university
on the coast and moving to a small town in the midwest to be
an English professor. I am thrilled beyond measure with the
town and the people in my future department. But what do I need
to know to become a successful midwesterner? Don't people normally
move in the opposite direction?
Rachel
Rachel, you're a woman of convictions
and you chart your own course and so, naturally, you've found
your way to our nation's interior, a land of independent people.
The fact that you're thrilled about moving to a small town shows
just how independent you are: this is not a fashionable move
on your part, as you know. A college town is different from
other small towns, of course, and I'm no authority in any case,
but I'll advise you to be brave and to venture boldly and also
to prepare to be misunderstood, as you would if you moved to
any foreign country. You'll meet disappointment, of course,
and, since this is academia you're in, you may find many defeated
souls who wish you to share in their defeat, which of course
you must decline to do. Any small town is in need of fresh and
energetic people, and this town needs you, and it will appreciate
you, but it probably won't say so, and probably people will
say small mean things about you that will get back to you and
make you weep, but persevere. Go to church if you possibly can.
Just choose one and go. And throw yourself into some community
projects, as time permits, so you can meet the doers and shakers
of the town. But we're private people in the Midwest and take
time to get to know and value privacy. The beauty of this small
town will be that it gives a young woman plenty of room to stretch
out in her imagination and to get over the PhD millrace and
figure out the next phase of her life.
Dear Garrison,
What is your opinion of France and the French, especially nowadays?
I am studying abroad in Paris next year and many have recommended
that I pretend to be Canadian, in order to prevent anti-Americanism
against myself. Is this sound advice?
David Polk
Tufts University
David, you won't make a convincing Canadian.
Be yourself. Get to work on your French. There is a French David
inside you and now is the time to bring him into the open. You
will find people to love in Paris, and you'll find people who
are irritating in utterly original and brilliant ways, and you'll
have a great time.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
I am a 22-year-old recent college graduate. I am engaged and
deeply in love with the girl of my dreams and I am so very lucky.
We are getting married this summer. I sing and play guitar and
would love to write a simple love ballad and sing to her at
the altar on our wedding day. However, I am not the best writer
and have never written a song. I love your poetry and songwriting
style and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on
how to write a beautiful song for her.
Jason Lambert
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Jason, my advice is: don't do it. It's
enough that you love her and feel lucky and that you want to
write her a song. But when you pick up the guitar and everybody
in the church gets very very very quiet, you've now become a
performer, Jason, and your wedding should be a performance.
There is such a thing as a stinko performance: there should
not be such a thing as a bad wedding. Let the classic words
and music speak for you and join you together in the company
of all of us who were married to the same words and music. Write
her a song, if you like, and put it on a CD and give it to her,
a song for her alone.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
I am 43 years old. Recently, I have noticed that my speech
is full of what I would call "young person's expressions"
- such as cool, sweet, totally and bummer. I really think I
should do a better job with my vocabulary. Could you please
suggest a few replacement phrases.
Lisa B.
Rochester, NY
Lisa, "cool" is just a tic,
not really vocabulary at all. "Sweet" is a perfectly
good word. "Totally" is about as expressive as a grunt.
"Bummer" is pretty much empty, too. What is it exactly
you're trying to say? Maybe nothing. Isn't that the whole point
of teenspeak? To turn a blank face to the world and hide the
fact that not much is happening behind it? At 43, you're selling
yourself short if you stand around talking dumb talk. You've
been living a life, right? So express it in whatever terms seem
to evoke what's on your mind, your feelings, passions.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
How do you feel about the month of March? I've heard you describe
March as "a hangover." Is your dislike of March also
the reason that you vacation from the show during this month?
Is creativity in March impossible?
Cass
Cass, it depends on where you are. In
Miami, where I am today, Sunday, March 2, March is summer. Sunny,
mid-eighties. Did the show here last night and ate supper at
an outdoor restaurant at 10 p.m. Back in Minnesota, March can
be grim. Winter hangs on, in diminished form, slushy, temps
in the forties, brown grass, dog excrement everywhere, and a
permanent cloud bank settles in as if it were Yorkshire. Gloom
is pervasive. My wife suffers in March and so that's when the
show goes on hiatus and I take her somewhere such as Florida.
Creativity doesn't depend on weather, it depends on a person's
willingness to put the seat of the pants into the chair. March
is actually a good time to do that.
Garrison:
I am getting married in June, and while we are very much in
love, I am going to move halfway across the country, from southern
California, where I was born and raised, to Dallas, Texas, where
my true love lives. I have the feeling that, as much as I like
it there, it will be a bit like moving to a foreign nation where
I don't quite speak the language and everyone's politics are
different from mine. Can you give me some thoughts on good ways
to maintain friendly relations and harmony in a new relationship,
new surroundings, and a new stage of my life?
Anne Lenaburg
La Crescenta, California
Anne, I haven't a clue when it comes
to Texas. Not a clue. The state has plenty of writers who are
fascinated with it and have written vastly about it and I leave
Texas to them. I hope you love air-conditioning.
