A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Garrison
I just got a job that is going to take me overseas to Germany and the Netherlands. I know that many Europeans have a dim view of Americans (we're all fat, watch bad TV, have no culture, no sense of history, are religious zealots, etc.). I'd like to make a good impression so I've slimmed down a bit, brushed up on European history and culture, and polished my German. I think I'm ready to go. Any advice?

—Eric

Eric,
You're a conscientious man and I admire your resolve. You'll meet Europeans who can't see you as an individual and who will see fat and zealotry and cluelessness no matter what, but don't worry about it. Smile and be gracious and eat what's put before you and say thank you at every opportunity. Gratitude always is in order. It'll be hard to develop your German in the face of all the English-speaking Germans you'll meet—you'll have to switch to English if they insist, to honor their command of your language—but you can always strike up friendships with small children and improve that way. Keep a record of your life there: You'll enjoy reading it years from now.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I was six years old when my step-father Louie made me listen to your show when we went driving and I felt obliged to sit silently, arms crossed, and scowl out the window. Once I was tired of acting angry I would find myself enjoying the show though I couldn't admit that to Louie at the time. Now I'm an adult and I continue to tune in at every opportunity.

—Jerilyn

Jerilyn,
You were a precocious six-year-old if you enjoyed our show and good for Louie for recognizing that. Not all kids go for kiddie shows; some kids like adult stuff. We love to see kids in the audience. One thing kids get to hear on our show is live, unsweetened, unprocessed music—music as it sounds as musicians make it, not the studio gumbo, a useful thing to recognize. And we try to tell stories with some darkness in them. We try to go light on sexual innuendo, we skip the profanity, we avoid name dropping, and we never pass up a chance for somebody to drop a plate or be chased by a dog. Hope your Christmas in Swansea is all it should be.

Dear Mr. Keillor,

I've always thought that the line, "where all the
women are strong, all the men are good-looking,
and all the children are above average" is one of
the funniest things I've ever heard. I always assumed
you meant it to be so, but I'm starting to have doubts.
Am I "getting" something that isn't there?

--Mark

Mark,

I cooked up that line so many years ago and have spoken it so many times since that I couldn't tell you if it's funny or sad or ironic or anything else. To me it's like "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, the panels above your heads will automatically open." Or "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost." Sometimes it means something and other times I just say it because it's supposed to be said. You're welcome to think it's hilarious.

Dear Mr. Keillor,

Is it a required Minnesotan custom to call you Mr. Keillor? I'm curious as I'm from Australia where we call everyone 'Mate'. If you lived in Australia, we might also call you Gazza or Killa or Tiny (because you're tall) or Bluey (because you have red hair).

Roger

Roger,

We may be a little formal in Minnesota but only much younger people would call me Mr. Keillor, or people who were irked with me, or bureaucrats being officious. Or a friend of mine, ironically. But we don't take to nicknames readily, not the kind that refer to physical traits. I suppose we think they are cruel. And usually it's people you don't really care for who attach them to you.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I'm just a kid, so give me some slack here, the introduction song whats it called, Tishomingo Blues or something like that? Well, do you play it every single time you do a show or do you have like a recording for like a season and use it multiple times? By the way, the Sound Effects Man needs more airtime, my family loves him!
—Loren

Dear Loren,
The show is a live show and that means that at every single show, 34 of them a year, I stand quietly on stage with Rich Dworsky and the band behind me and we wait for Mr. Albert Webster, the stage manager, to give us his big swooping cue and we do "Tishomingo." Sometimes there is something almost accusatory about the cue, as if he were saying, "There! That's the man what done it!" But we plunge into it. A sliding piano chord, some guitar chittering, and then "Oh hear that old piano from down the avenue." A few weeks ago, for a non-broadcast show, Rich played the introduction and something in my head clicked to a different channel and I sang the OLD theme song, "Look who's coming through the door, I think we've met somewhere before," and of course the band came chunking right along. They are paid to make my mistakes look good. As for the Sound Effects Man, you're right, so right, and I will strive to do better in the future. And I want to have a sound-effects show, with a contest for people under 12, in the near future.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
You and I have a lot in common. I grew up in a small town and my husband and I farmed for 25 years, hogs and grain, and never made a nickel. Your farming stories could've happened in our backyard. At one time, there were 30 or so seed/feed caps hanging in the garage. My husband drove a dump truck that had a bed that didn't work quite right, and it raised while he was driving past the K-mart, ripping out power lines and phone lines. Just like your story about the cherrypicker. I sang "The Green Cathedral" in a girls' trio in high school. I played the tape of that song over the phone to one of the women who sang with me ... she CRIED when she heard it.

Saw your Second Annual Farewell appearance in New York! Had ten cats at one time. Studied French for a year and adored the Cafe Boeuf. I tell your jokes to hundreds of donors at the blood bank where I work. Keeps them from having adverse reactions! My favorites are Bob, the grasshopper; nacho cheese; hot, cross bunnies; and, last week, the difference between roast beef and pea soup!

— Yr friend in PA

Dear Friend,
It's like we're the same person. "Green Cathedral" is a favorite song of mine and nobody sings it. I can't because I'm not a girl. I never did farm, by the way, and the small town I grew up in was about 12,000. And the most cats I ever had was two. I am quietly campaigning to get one or two for my daughter. It'd be nice to find a big mama cat with herding instincts who will sleep with my daughter and keep her in her own bed at night.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I was disappointed that your upcoming broadcast from Spartanburg, SC is already sold out. Could I come and play banjo and sing "Omie Wise" on the show in exchange for admission?

Also, did you notice the irony in your December 6 broadcast where in
your "News from Lake Wobegon" you complained about "horrible arrangements" of Christmas songs, "trying to make them sound like Glenn Miller" then shortly thereafter proceeded with an arrangement of "Jingle Bells" that sounded like you were trying to make it sound like Glenn Miller or something.
— Glen

Dear Glen,
I don't want murder ballads on our Spartanburg show on February 14. Do you know any love songs? As for last Saturday's comments, I was referring to Christmas carols, such as "Away In A Manger" and "Silent Night," the carols my daughter sang at her Christmas program last week, and not Christmas pop songs like "Jingle Bells". But perhaps you knew that and are simply being ironic. I don't detect irony so well now that I'm in my twilight years.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I've been listening to PHC for 20 years and never used to hear you laugh. You've been the Compleat Straight Man. Now scarcely a show passes without a chuckle from you. Is this a change in corporate policy? your heart? Whatever it is, it is refreshing - and good for your dark Lutheran soul. Maybe you should join the Unitarians. We laugh a lot.
— Joy

Dear Joy,
That may be Tim Russell you hear and he may only be clearing his throat. Or it could be me. I don't remember getting carried away like that, but it could happen. As for Lutherans, they laugh more often than you might think. But laughter is a nervous reaction to being surprised, and it's hard to be surprised when you know as much as most Lutherans do.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I have been lured to come home to MN with my fiancé the past three Christmases by the in-laws with the promise of attending a Prairie Home Companion show, but alas your show has always been in New York. Why? Would you consider coming up here to Juneau? The whole Prairie Home Companion gang could stay in my cabin if you came up. It's 16 by 20, in the woods surrounded by Sitka Spruce and Mountain Hemlock trees, no plumbing, a dog, two chickens, and an outhouse. What more could you ask for? I'll bake cookies.
— Danielle

Dear Danielle,
There was a time when we went on tour and stayed in people's homes and it didn't last long. Maybe we felt guilty about the trouble we were causing them. Maybe we felt the strain of having to try to be funny or at least interesting for long periods of time. Maybe we felt cramped. Sixteen-by- twenty is about the size of the hotel room that I occupied all by myself last weekend in San Luis Obispo, at the Econo-lodge. If you and your fiance and the Shoe Band and the actors and crew had been there, I would have had to go sleep in the car. I write on the road and writing involves sitting for periods of time and doing nothing and that's not easy to do when other people are jangling around. Do you have motels in Juneau? If so, we'd love to come.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I am traveling to Minnesota for the Christmas vacation
with my beautiful St. Paul native fiancee, Sharen. I
am a Texas boy, and have never seen snow of any
nature; naturally, I'm a little apprehensive. Are
there any other surprises or hints I should know about
concerning Christmas in Minnesota?
— Luke

Dear Luke,
You're going to love it. Get yourself a pair of long johns --- that Dallas department store, Needless Markup, has silken ones for a couple hundred bucks, or you can buy cotton ones from Target for $6.99 --- and a stocking cap and gloves, and go out for a walk in the moonlight. It'll make a poet out of you if you aren't one already. Or early morning, as the sun comes up. Go sliding in Highland Park on the big hill or at Como Park. Get yourself into a broomball game, on ice, wearing overshoes. Winter will heighten your senses, intensify your relationship with Sharen, make indoors seem even more wonderful, make you feel like a hero. It is the most beautiful time of year. If you don't like winter in Minnesota, then don't tell me about it, it would break my heart.