Celebrities
Saturday, December 21, 1996

GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by MarDel, makers of CoNex. It is the weekend before Christmas, and what plans do famous people have for the holidays? Will they have a chance to relax or will it be just more work, work, work, in the endless struggle to stay on top? Let's ask some of them. How about you, Mr. President? What are your plans for Christmas?

TR (CLINTON): Well, Hillary and Chelsea and I will be having a quiet Christmas together at the White House. Everything's been pretty quiet for awhile and we're just hoping it can stay that way.

GK: I see.

TR (CLINTON): I'm hoping that, at this very meaningful time for each of us, we can find a new spirit of putting the past behind us and moving ahead and getting on with the nation's business.

GK: Okay.

TR (CLINTON): I'm hoping that Christmas can be a bridge to 1997.

GK: I see. Good. How about you, President Bush?

TR (BUSH): Well, thinking of Christmas, and the joy of it, Yuletide carols, or whatever, and of course the gifts --- wouldn't be Christmas without gifts, now, would it--- went out shopping for Bar today.....thinking socks, thinking bathrobe, pajamas.....then I'm thinking, Hey, how about I make a donation in her name to my presidential library? One of those little "Points of Light" gifts. So I got that out of the way. Went to work on my Tom & Jerry recipe....seemed a little thick last year....thought maybe it needed a third bottle of whoopee juice. Don't want to wait all day to fly, do you, now? No.

GK: Thank you, Mr. President. How about you, Julia? Your plans for Christmas?

TR (JULIA): Oh, I'll be making my Christmas goose again. Very easy to make. You just cook it for twelve hours at 350 degrees in a stove that you plan to trade in anyway.

GK: I see.

TR (JULIA): Yes. You can never clean an oven after you've cooked goose.

GK: Sounds like you're a little dubious about goose.

TR (JULIA): Goose is a pain in the wazoo, and the meat is greasy and slimy, but it's fun to eat if you hang it from the ceiling and then everyone puts on a blindfold and goes around with sticks and tries to knock it apart. Very festive.

GK: All right. Thank you. Ted Koppel, how about your Christmas plans?

TR (KOPPEL): I want to be frank with you, and so I will, and tell you that Christmas, for me, and I believe for many others, is a time when, in a sense, if one may refer to sense, and I just did, we --- or at least many of us --- those of us who observe this day, even if only concommitantly, we find ourselves---

GK: What was that word?

TR (KOPPEL): Concommitantly.

GK: I see. What does it mean to observe Christmas "concommitantly?"

TR (KOPPEL): I was about to get to that.

GK: Sir, your head is starting to drop forward a little.

TR (KOPPEL): Thank you. What was I saying?

GK: I have no idea.

TR (KOPPEL): Neither do I.

GK: All right. Thank you. Bob Dylan, what are you doing for Christmas?

TR (DYLAN): I'll be on the road, singing my songs.

GK: You're not going to take a break for Christmas?

TR (DYLAN): Joy to the world, the Lord has come, let earth receive its king....

GK: Okay, good. How about you, Bob Dole?

TR (DOLE): What about me?

GK: Do you feel a sort of affinity for Bob Dylan, Bob Dole, seeing that your names are so similar?

TR (DOLE): Never heard of him.

GK: OKay. Sorry. What's your plan for Christmas?

TR (DOLE): Gonna stay home.

GK: You going to have any guests over?

TR (DOLE): If you had attended as many fundraisers as I have, you wouldn't ask that question.

GK: OKay. How about you, Mr. Perot? How are you planning to spend Christmas?

TR (PEROT): I've got a list and I'm checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice. It's as simple as that.

GK: Very good. Mr. Rogers? What are your plans for Christmas?

TR (ROGERS): You want to know my plans for Christmas? Do you? Well, I have many plans. Yes, I do. Because there are many many children who come to Mr. Rogers's house on Christmas, and if Mr. Rogers isn't very careful, he may go berserk. Yes, he may. And so, on Christmas, Mr. Rogers plans to go into his room and close the door and lock it and be very quiet so nobody will hear him. Do you like to do that too? Do you? I do. I like to sit in Mr. Chair and be very very quiet and I keep Mr. Pistol in my lap.

GK: Mr. Rogers---

TR (ROGERS): I'm not finished yet.

GK: I'm sorry.

TR (ROGERS): I didn't say it was time for questions now, did I?

GK: I guess not.

TR (ROGERS): I was talking to the children.

GK: I know.

TR (ROGERS): And now I'm done talking.

GK: Good. That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)

© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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