The Twelve Days of Christmas
Saturday, December 21, 1996
Listen

GK: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

A partridge in a pear tree. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

TR: Here. (PARTRIDGE SFX) Here's your partridge.

GK: Is that from my true love?

TR: How should I know? I'm the delivery man. Sign here, at the bottom.

GK: Is this the right pear tree? And this pear tree is plastic.

TR: Not my problem. Sign there. (SCRIBBLE) Thanks. You expecting any further shipments from the same party?

GK: Yes, I should be getting a couple turtle doves tomorrow.

TR: I brought em today. Here. (DOVES) Sign here. (SCRIBBLE). Thanks.

GK: There wasn't supposed to be another partridge in a pear tree as part of that shipment with the turtle doves?

TR: No. Are these three French hens yours too? (HENS)

GK: I thought those were coming the day after tomorrow.

TR: Got em right here. Sign here. (SCRIBBLE) Thanks.

GK: So does that mean that the---

TR: Four calling birds. (BIRDS) Sign here. (SCRIBBLE) Thanks.

GK: And the five golden rings?

TR: I don't know nothing about that. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

CF: I'm your true love's accountant and I'm sorry, but it's going to have to be two gold rings instead of five. She's been cutting back. Things are tight all over. You understand.

GK: Of course.

CF: Good. And merry Christmas. (RINGS)

GK: Thanks. I didn't know my true love had an accountant? She never mentioned it to me.

CF: Money is a subject that never comes up in the early stage or romance, does it? A shame.

GK: So probably she's not going to send the six geese a-laying?

CF: I brought six gerbils instead. (HONKS)

GK: Thanks. And the seven swans a-swimming?

CF: We let the swans go. We have chickens instead. (CHICKENS APPROACH)

GK: And the eight maids a-milking?

CF: That was automated a long time ago. I can give you eight machines answering.

GK: And the nine ladies dancing?

CF: The ladies don't dance anymore. They're not that kind of ladies. They're in management now.

GK: And the lords a-leaping?

CF: We have one lord who leaps. Lord? Come here. (TK, LEAPING, "WHEE" ON EACH LEAP, APPROACHES)

GK: Okay. How about eleven pipers piping?

CF: We've downsized. The lord is also the piper. (TK PIPING, AS HE LEAPS)

GK: I see. So you probably don't have twelve drummers drumming either.

CF: The Lord does the drumming too. (TK PIPING, DRUMMING, LEAPING)

GK: Okay, well, it's very nice.

CF: One other thing. We weren't able to stretch the deliveries over the twelve days. We drop ship in one day.

GK: Very well.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
One lord a drumming, (SFX)
And also a piping, (SFX)
And also a leaping, (SFX)
Nine ladies managing (SFX),
Eight machines answering (SFX),
Seven chickens roosting (SFX),
Six gerbils gerbilling (SFX)
Two golden rings....
Four calling birds (SFX),
Three French hens (SFX),
Two turtle doves (SFX)
And a partridge in a plastic tree. (SFX)

© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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