Jokes
Saturday, April 5, 1997
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OFFENSIVE JOKES

IS THIS JOKE FUNNY? YES OR NO

TR: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
SS: By answering the iron.
TR: How did she burn her other ear?
SS: They called back.

WOULD YOU TELL THIS JOKE AT AN OFFICE STAFF MEETING?

TR: Did you hear about the man who had sex with his canary?
SS: Came down with a case of chirpies.
TR: Yeah, and the worst part is, it's untweetable.

IS THIS JOKE FUNNY OR DUMB?

TR: Why do you feel so sophisticated when you're in the bathroom?

SS: European

IF YOU HEARD THIS JOKE ON A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION, WOULD YOU 1. LAUGH 2. SMILE 3. GROAN 4. SHAKE YOUR HEAD 5. WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR LOCAL STATION

TR: A county extension agent was visiting a farm when he needed to use the toilet, but then he remembered --- no running water here, they only had an outhouse ---- so he dashed to the outhouse and opened the door and the hired man was sitting in there. "It's okay," he said, "come on in, it's a two-holer." So the extension agent sat down on the other hole, and after awhile, the hired man stood up, and as he was pulling up his pants some change fell out of his pocket and went down the hole. The hired man looked in the hole, shook his head, pulled out his wallet and dropped a ten dollar bill down the hole. The extension agent said, "What did you do that for?" and the hired man said, "Well, I ain't goin down there for just 35 cents."

WOULD YOU TELL THIS JOKE TO YOUR AUNTS?

TR; Two senior citizens are sitting in the activity room of the old folks home and the old woman says to the old guy ---

SS: I bet I can tell you how old you are!

TR: No, you can't.

SS: Stand up.

TR: Okay.

SS: Now, drop your trousers.

TR: Okay.

SS: Turn around.

TR: Yeah?

SS: You're 82.

TR: That's right. How did you know that?

SS: You told me yesterday.

ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FIVE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS JOKE? 1. DON'T GET IT. 2. NOT FUNNY 3. MILDLY AMUSING 4. FUNNY 5. I AM GOING TO REMEMBER THIS ONE

TR: The lieutenant was leading his troops into battle and his sergeant said,

TK: Sir, there's a whole platoon of the enemy coming towards us.

TR: All right, sergeant, bring me my red shirt. ---And he put on the red shirt and the troops went into battle, and they moved forward against the enemy and the next day, the sergeant said,

TK: Sir, there's a whole regiment of the enemy coming towards us.

TR: All right, sergeant, bring me my red shirt. --- And he put on his red shirt and the troops moved forward and defeated the enemy, and that night, a young private asked the lieutenant:

TK: Sir, why do you wear a red shirt going into battle?

TR: Because, son, if I should be wounded, I don't want my men to see the blood or they might be demoralized.

TK: Oh. Gosh.

TR: And the next morning, the sergeant said:

TK: Sir, there are two regiments of the enemy ahead of us, and tanks and heavy artillery.

TR: Sergeant----

TK: Yes, sir?

TR: Bring me my brown pants.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FIVE, OF YOUR TELLING THIS JOKE AT YOUR OFFICE STAFF MEETING. No way, maybe, if people seemed to be in the right mood, probably would, or of course you would.

TR: A union shop steward went to a convention in Las Vegas and decided to go to a brothel and when he got there, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

SS: No, it's not.

TR: So how much do the girls earn here?

SS: Well, you pay me $100 and out of that I pay the girl $20.

TR: That is terrible! ---So he goes off and finds a union brothel, and walks in and the Madame says,

SS: Yes, this is a union house.

TR: And if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?

SS: She gets $80.

TR: That's great. And I'd like her. Tiffany.

SS; I'm sure you would, but unfortunately, Ethel here has seniority.

THOSE OF YOU WHO LIKED THAT ONE, WOULD YOU CONSIDER TELLING THIS JOKE AT THE OFFICE STAFF MEETING

TR: So --- a man goes into a restaurant. The waitress comes over and he says, "I'd like a quickie." And she slaps him. (SLAP)

SS: Just order, will you, mister?

TR: Yeah, but I want a quickie! (SLAP)

SS: Last chance, mister. What do you want?

TK: Excuse me, sir, but I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

TR: A man takes off work and goes golfing and he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and he's about to shoot when the frog says,

TK: Ribbit. 9 Iron.

TR: The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

TK: Ribbit. 9 Iron.

TR: So the man grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. Amazing. The man puts the frog in his pocket and goes to the next hole. What do you think?

TK: Ribbit. 3 wood.

TR: The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. He plays the best game of golf in his life and afterward the frog says,

TK: Ribbit. Las Vegas.

TR: So they go to Las Vegas and the frog says,

TK: Ribbit Roulette.

TR: How much should I bet?

TK: Ribbit. $3000, black 6.

TR: It's a million-to-one shot, but he figures what the heck. Boom! He wins. He collects buckets of cash and gets the best room in the hotel and sits the frog down and says, "I don't know how to repay you for what you've done."

TK: Ribbit, Kiss Me.

TR: So he did, and Boom, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. And that, Your Honor, is how she ended up in my room.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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