Sound Effects Man
Saturday, April 12, 1997
Listen

(COOL JAZZ PIANO, BIG CITY, LONELY NIGHT)

GK: The sound effects man walked into the room and switched on the light. (CLICK) (FOOTSTEPS) He crossed the room and raised the window (EFFORT/SCRAPE. PIGEONS) and looked out over the roof of the apartment building next door (PIGEONS), the lights of the city twinkling and blinking (PIGEONS. TK: Beat it! WINGS UP AND AWAY), the concrete canyons of St. Paul, its neon lights, the sultry music of its streets, the siren (SIREN OFF) of a firetruck far below threading its way through the river of traffic (WINDOW CLOSE). (FOOTSTEPS) He walked to the door on the opposite side of the room and (FOOTSTEPS) put his hand on the knob. And he listened. (BREATH) Sound effects men have a keen sense of hearing, and what he could hear were twenty people on the other side of the door trying to be quiet. Twenty people in the next room were standing and breathing very quietly. He had suspected a surprise party for days. Ever since he returned from his installation in the Sound Effects Hall of Fame in Wahoo, Nebraska. (SIGH) He hated parties. He hated crowds. He couldn't take the noise. But --- there was no choice. After all, they were his friends, his fans --- (DOOR KNOB, DOOR SLOWLY OPEN --- ALL: SURPRISE! (BAND PLAYS "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW" AND ALL SING) (ALL HUBBUB OF SMALL TALK, LAUGHTER, GLASSES, PARTY ATMOSPHERE) He accepted a glass of champagne (POP CORK, POUR) and stood with his back to the wall as some blowhard stood up and gave a speech (TK JOWLY MAN ON P.A.) about him and it was embarrassing --- and then they had hired entertainment --- there was a dog act (DOGS RUNNING, BARKING, PAST AND LEAPING) and there was a fat guy in a cape blindfolded (FAT GUY) who threw knives at a board where a chicken stood also blindfolded (RAPID SERIES OF KNIFE THROWS: WHOOSH, BAM, WHANG, NERVOUS CLUCK) and after that, an elephant came in (ELEPHANT) and did a headstand (CREAKING OF FLOOR, ELEPHANT) and then the fat guy came back and juggled cats (CAT JUGGLING, MOVEMENT OF MEOWS, FINALLY CAT HISS, GUY CRY OF PAIN) and then a horse was brought into the room and he trotted around in (HORSE HOOVES) a circle as a girl in spangled tights did somersaults on his back (GIRL'S VOICE) and then the fat guy came back with a pistol and gave a demonstration of marksmanship, shooting the wine glasses out of the guests' hands (SERIES OF GUNSHOTS, GLASS BREAKAGE) and the party was over, (PARTY HUBBUB QUIETING), and the sound effects man was able to (FOOTSTEPS) leave finally and go to his room (DOOR CLOSE, END OF HUBBUB) and lie down on his bed (CREAK OF SPRINGS) and have some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet was all he wanted, all that any sound effects man wanted. You spend your professional life doing chickens and galloping hooves and various kinds of weaponry, you come home at night and you would like to have silence.

He lay looking up at the shadows on the ceiling. (DRIPPING STARTS) He thought he could see in the shadows the face of Dorothy Lamour. And then he became aware of a sound across the room.

(DRIPS)

He got out of bed and (FOOTSTEPS) walked to the sink and (EFFORT, TIGHTENING) he tightened the handles on the faucet. (FOOTSTEPS, CREAK OF BEDSPRINGS) (SILENCE, THEN DRIPPING RESUMES. DRIPPING. FOOTSTEPS, AND WHANGING ON PIPE. FOOTSTEPS. CREAK OF BEDSPRING. SILENCE. DRIPPING RESUMES. DRIPPING. FOOTSTEPS. SAWING THROUGH PIPE. WELDING TORCH. LONG BLAST AND SOME SHORT BLASTS. POUNDING. FOOTSTEPS. CREAK OF BEDSPRING. SILENCE. DRIPPING RESUMES. DRIPPING. FOOTSTEPS. HUGE EXPLOSION. GEYSER OF WATER. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. DRIPPING. DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. DRIPPING. DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. CHICKEN. DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. DRIPPING. DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. SILENCE. REVERB. (TK: Hello?) DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. CHICKEN CLUCKING. TK: Oh no. CHICKEN. FOOTSTEPS. TRIES DOOR, DOOR LOCKED. SHAKING DOOR. TK: Help??? Help------

Locked in a dark room with a chicken. (CHICKEN) What cruel irony.

TK: Get away from me! (CHICKEN FLURRY)

What cruel irony indeed.

(MUSICAL BUTTON)

© 1997 by Garrison Keillor