A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Cafe Titanic
Saturday, May 10, 1997
Listen

....right after this message from Rest-0-Tainment Corporation. (MUSIC)

TR: If you're the parent of a teenage child, perhaps you've been through this scene yourself once or twice....

GK (OLD LADY): O it's spring once again, and once again the earth burgeons with new life.

SS (TEEN): Oh boy.

GK (OLD LADY): Which reminds me that Sunday is Mother's Day, honey.

SS (TEEN): So what????

GK (OLD LADY): I bought you a present to give me, Snuggums. Look. It's a set of Tupperware dishes to keep our leftovers nice and crispy. Shall I wrap them for you?

SS (TEEN): You are so, like, incredibly pitiful, Ma, I wish you would just shut up. Okay? I am trying to watch this show.

GK (OLD LADY): Every Mother's Day brings back such warm memories for me. How lucky I was. Even though you loathe the sight of me, still I count myself fortunate. What do you say we go out for dinner together?

SS (TEEN): Have dinner with you? I'd rather have hot needles thrust under my fingernails. What do you say you, like, take a walk and don't come back? Huh?

GK (OLD LADY): We could go to a nice place and just for two hours, we could be nice to each other and celebrate --- what do you say, honey?

SS (TEEN): Celebrate what? I didn't ask to be born!

GK (OLD LADY): Oh dear. What is one to do? (MUSICAL GLISS)

TR: What to do? Here's an idea! Instead of dragging your teen to a formal restaurant where she'll only feel out of place, why not take her to one of our Rest-O-Tainment theme restaurants --- such as the Cafe Titanic--- (SHIP'S HORN) top-notch food....plus, it sinks every ninety minutes, which gives a sense of shape to your evening..... ---- the next day....(TIME MODULATION)

GK (OLD LADY): So --- did you enjoy your hamburger, honey?

SS (TEEN): It was okay.

GK (OLD LADY: And would you like another Coke?

SS (TEEN): Okay.

GK (OLD LADY): How about a hot fudge sundae for dessert? Let's splurge, what do you say?

SS (TEEN): Oh. All right.

GK (OLD LADY): This is the most positive and cheerful I've seen you in the past eighteen months, honey. It brings tears to my eyes.

SS (TEEN): Listen--- you start blubbering and I'm history, okay? I'm outta here. Blow your nose. (HONK) That's better. Here. Happy Mother's Day.

GK (OLD LADY): Oh goodness, me. (FLURRY OF WRAPPING PAPER) Tupperware dishes. Land sakes. You are so thoughtful.

SS (TEEN): What time does it sink?

GK (OLD LADY): Any moment now. (BAND PLAYS "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE") Sounds like it's going down now. (DISTANT SHOUTS. CRASHES) Well, it's been wonderful, honey.

TK (BULLHORN): Man the lifeboats! Every man to his station! Passengers to the main deck....

GK (OLD LADY): You go ahead, dear.

SS (TEEN): What are you going to do?

GK (OLD LADY): You take my life preserver, dear.

TK (BULLHORN): Women and children to the boats----

SS (TEEN): What are you going to do?

GK (OLD LADY): You go ahead, dear. I'll be fine. I'm happy.

SS (TEEN): But what are you---

GK (OLD LADY): Here. Take my coat so you don't get cold.

SS (TEEN): Mom?

GK (OLD LADY): You go, I'll be fine. Bless you.

SS (TEEN): Mom----

GK (OLD LADY): It's a far far better thing I do than I have ever done. It's a far better place I go to than I have ever seen.

(CRIES. CRASHING. DISTANT CRUNCHING. BAND PLAYS UP. WATER FLOWS IN.)

TR: The Cafe Titanic, what could be more appropriate for Mother's Day.....(MUSIC OUT)

©1997 by Garrison Keillor