(WESTERN THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by San Joaquin Brand Saddle Warmers....your horse will appreciate it too (WHINNY). And now today's episode of The Lives of the Cowboys.....

(HOOVES, HORSE WHINNY)

GK: Okay, that right up yonder there is the Canadian border, Dusty. So comb y'r hair and wipe the juice off y'r chin, if y' don't mind.

TR: Okay.

GK: And when th' ranger asks y' if y'r comin f'r business r f'r pleasure --- y'say pleasure, okay? They like that.

TR: Pleasure --- well, that's the truth. Coming up here to taste the beer. Hope it's as good as they say. (PAUSE) Lefty?

GK: What?

TR: Should I tell 'im that I'm a communist sympathizer?

GK: You're a communist what? (WHINNY)

TR: Sympathizer.

GK: Dusty, how can you be a communist sympathizer when there ain't hardly any communists left?

TR: All the more reason they need our sympathy.

GK: Dusty--- when you're approaching the border of another country is no time to talk about politics, okay?

TR: Okay.

(GK & TR WHOA. WHINNIES. HOOVES STOP>)

GK: Good afternoon, sir.

BR: Good afternoon.

GK: I take it this is the border and you're the Canadian border ranger?

BR: Is there any doubt aboot it?

GK: Nope. Not any more.

BR: You two are American cowboys, right?

TR: Right.

BR: Would you mind showing me y'r fast draw?

TR: Glad to. (WHOOSH, SLAP, FIRE GUN. BLOWS IN MUZZLE. SLAP OF GUN BACK IN HOLSTER.) There. That's m' fast draw.

BR: Okay. And you, sir? could I hear you whoop?

GK: Absolutely. Be glad to whoop for y'. (HE WHOOPS)

BG: Good. That's fine. (STAMPS PAPERS SIX OR EIGHT TIMES RAPIDLY) There you go. Welcome to Canada. (HOOVES. GK & TR GIDDYUPS. MUSIC TRANSITION. THEN QUIET. NIGHTFALL. CRICKETS. CAMPFIRE. SPOON STIRRING IN POT)

TR: Stew smells good.

GK: Yeahp.

TR: Nice campsite here.

GK: Yeah.

TR: You care for another beer?

GK: Sure.

TR: You care for honey, amber, golden, or pale?

GK: I donno. Pale.

TR: You care for the top-fermenting or the bottom-fermenting?

GK: I donno. Where'd you go for this beer anyway?

TR: Went to a micro-brewery called the Brew Ha Ha. They got everything there. Got the lagered pilsners, got the lambics, got the Frambozenbier, got the Dislocator Stout.

GK: Gimme some of that.

TR: Okay. (POP OPEN BEER CAN) There you go.

GK: Thanks.

TR: No problem. (POP OPEN BEER CAN) Vancouver's just up over that hill, y'know.

GK: Yeah. We can go there tomorrow. They got a new library n' everything.

TR: Yeah.

GK: We c'n go down, withdraw some books, and come back up here 'n read em. Sound like fun? Huh?

TR: Yeah.

GK: Got about everything a person'd want in Vancouver. No communists though.

TR: No?

GK: Nope. Too bad, in a way. If there'd been some communists, more people would've heard of Canada, they'd a gotten some publicity out of it.

TR: Yeahp. I never knew there was one until about a year ago.

GK: One what?

TR: Canada.

GK: Oh. Really.

TR: I mean, I knew about the geese and the ginger ale, but I thought it was just a brand name. Y'know?

GK: Yeah. I know. If you got a product and you want people to think it's not too fancy but it's good for you, you call it Canadian.

TR: Like Canadian bacon.

GK: Exactly.

TR: Canadian bacon, you naturally assume the pigs came from good families and went to college. Even vegetarians eat it.

GK: Right. (CRACK OF TWIG.) What? Who's that?

TR: What?

GK: Somethin' out there.

TR: Where?

GK: I donno.

TR: Who's there?

BobR: (OFF MIKE) Bob.

GK: What are you doing out there in the dark, mister?

BobR (OFF MIKE): Why do you want to know?

TR: Just tell us. Or we'll shoot.

GK: Yeah!

BobR (OFF MIKE): Shoot at what?

GK: The man has a point, Dusty. ---What are you doin lurking around out there and looking at us?

BobR (OFF MIKE): What makes you think I was looking at you?

GK: He's Canadian all right.

BobR (OFF MIKE): Isn't that paranoid to assume I'm looking at you?

TR: Why you---- I'll show you a pair o' pistols. (HE STRAINS TO STAND UP AND IS RESTRAINED BY GK)

GK: Easy, Dusty. Take it easy. Just ignore him. He'll go away.

BobR (OFF MIKE): You've ignored us for years and we're still here.

GK: Don't answer him. No way to answer that kinda moralism anyway. That's why they call em God's frozen people. They are good in the worst sense of the term.

TR: Well, they sure do make good beer. This top-fermenting pilsner peach yoghurt double latte is a heck of a beer, Lefty.

GK: (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. TWIGS BREAKING.) Now there's somebody over there. Who's there?

TR: Who's out there?

BobR (CHRETIEN): Don't worry. It is only me. Hello, Hello. Chretien is the name. Jean Chretien.

GK: Mr. Cretin, we gave at the office.

BobR: Non non non. I am not a charity, I am Jean Chretien, the prime minister.

GK: Of Canada?

BobR (CHRETIEN): Yes, of course. Someone has to do it.

GK: What is the prime minister of Canada doing wandering around in the dark?

BobR (CHRETIEN): This surprises you?

GK: Sort of. I noticed in the paper the other day you walked into a crowd of protesters and you tried to croak this guy.

BobR (CHRETIEN): I was only trying to protect him from himself.

GK: I see.

BobR (CHRETIEN): He was saying things that if he had continued, he would have embarrassed himself.

GK: Well, you got him in a good headlock there.

BobR: It was for his own good. I was adjusting his spine. Now I am looking for the privy council. I thought it was out here. (FADING) Goodbye. Au revoir.

GK: Well, you take it easy out there.

TR: Nice guy-- what church is he minister of?

GK: Canadian Church. It's like the Baptists but more peaceful. Not so much division and all.

TR: How's that stew coming?

GK: Smells just about done. (FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Where you goin, Lefty? (GUITAR STRUM, BAD NOTE) Oh no. (FOOTSTEPS RETURN) You're not goin t' sing, are y?

GK: The musical urge has struck again, Dusty. (GUITAR STRUM, TUNING) Boy, these things sure turn rancid on y', don't they. (TUNES) There. (STRUMMING)

I left my heart in San Francisco,
I left my brains in L.A.
I left my knees in Seattle
Climbing up those hills all day.
I left my arms at the border,
They took both guns, but that's all right.
I'll lose my liver in Vancouver tonight.
I'm goin' north to drown my sorrows
In a pail of Molson's ale
Unless I find a lighted cabin
Out along the northern trail,
Where a woman waits to meet me
Who can turn me toward the right---
I'll find a lover in Vancouver tonight.

(HE YODELS)

TR: I wish y' wouldn't do that.

GK: It's just yodelling, Dusty.

TR: For some reason, it makes me think o' death by strangulation.

GK: Shhhhh.

TR: What?

GK: Something's out there.

TR: Where? Out there in the dark?

GK: Who's there???

VG: (OFF MIKE) Are you talking to me?

TR: If you're out there in the dark I'm talking to you, ma'am.

VG (OFF MIKE): Oh. Well, I wasn't sure. (FOOTSTEPS. CRUNCH OF GRAVEL) I smelled the smoke and I heard a cry for help.

GK: That was me yodelling.

(PAUSE)

VG: You're American, aren't you.

TR: Was that just a lucky guess or was it something we said, ma'am?

VG: I just followed the trail of empty beer cans.

GK: What are you lookin at me like that for, ma'am?

VG: You're in radio, aren't you.

GK: Yes, I was. At one time. I was a DJ. KCOW. It was on in every feedlot in Wyoming. Had an audience of 50,000 head. I just played Wilf Carter over and over. You get better weight gain with Wilf Carter.

VG: I could tell you were in radio the moment I looked at you. You have a radio face...

GK: Ma'am...

VG: I want to marry you.

GK: Me?

VG: I was Miss Canada two years ago.

GK: Uh huh.

VG: And I'm still Miss Canada

GK: I see.

VG: My name is Canada. Vicky Canada.

GK: I see.

VG: I do a radio show called the "Vicky Canada Show" and I want you.

GK: You mean---

VG: Exactly. Tell me --- do you like long walks, sunsets, gourmet cooking, the arts, books, conversations, and intimacy?

GK: Long walks hurt your feet if you wear cowboy boots, and I don't notice sunsets that much, and I like conversations and I hope to have one someday but I don't know about intimacy. I tend to break out in a rash.

VG: I want you.

TR: You do?

VG: Not talking to you. Talking to him.

GK: She's talking to me, Dusty.

VG: I always wanted an American.

GK: You did?

VG: I don't approve of them and yet--- they excite me in ways I can't quite explain.

(BELCH)

GK: Excuse me.

VG: I would give anything for you --- I am wild for you -- your voice, your face, your lips, your tongue, your teeth, your cuspids, your bicuspids, your molars...

GK: Ma'am, a woman who wanted me that much is a woman whose judgement I could never trust.

VG: What?

GK: Ma'am, it could never be -- you'd be giving up your city, giving up your health care --

VG: I didn't mean I'd move to the U.S.

GK: No?

VG: Of course not -- I -- I may be wild about you, but I have my limits.

GK: So it can never be, then?

VG: Not unless you want to stay here.

GK: I have an allergy to moss and mildew.

VG: Alas.

GK: I'd better say goodbye, ma'am.

VG: Yes.... Just---- let me look at you.

GK: Ma'am----

VG: No---- don't talk. Let's not cheapen it with talk. One glance---- one touch---- ah ----- and now, I leave. Goodbye. Forever. Alas. (QUICK FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

GK: Goodbye, Miss Canada.

TR: She sure was sweet, Lefty.

GK: Sure was. Well, that's a cowboy's life. Unrequited love wherever you go. I say, if your heart don't break once a day, it shows lack of imagination.

TR: How's that stew coming?

GK: Just about done.

TR: You care f'r another beer?

GK: Sure. (POP BEER CAN. FIZZ.) Thanks.

(THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......if your feet go to sleep in the stirrups, why not try Santa Fe Brand Vibrating Stirrups? They relieve stress --- and ---- your horse'll sure appreciate em too. (WHINNY) (MUSIC OUT)

© 1996 by Garrison Keillor