APHC: Saturday, December 5, 1998

Bertha's Kitty Boutique
Saturday, December 5, 1998
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(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)

Tonight’s show brought to you by Bertha's Kitty Boutique, for persons who care about cats.

(BAR AMBIENCE, COCKTAIL LOUNGE PIANO

TR (TO HIMSELF): I hope a Japanese restaurant is okay. She said she liked Japanese. Hope she does. Hope she'll be able to find me here in the corner. See the white carnation in my lapel. (NERVOUS SIGH) Gosh, I haven't been this nervous since I was 17. Get a grip. It's only a blind date. Seemed nice in that chat room. Wonder how old she really is. Wish I'd asked.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH & STOP)

SS: Frank? Oh my gosh. Tell me it's not true.

TR: Hi, Carol.

SS: Of all the people I had to meet on a blind date - it's like a cruel joke.

TR: Well, think how I feel.

SS: You? Feel? Since when?

TR: (SIGH)

SS: Boy. As if being married to you for five years wasn't enough. Now I make a date online and it turns out to be you. Boy, is this irony or what?

TR: You want to sit down and have some sushi or something?

SS: Since when did you start eating sushi? Back when I knew you, you were strictly burgers and fries. You take up ethnic food to impress what's her name?

TR: Her name is Lily.

SS: So what happened? Did she get tired of your moods too?

TR: No. She was transferred to Boston. I decided not to go.

SS: Oh. How sad for her.

TR: You've lost weight, Carol.

SS: You've lost hair.

(PAUSE. SS STARTS TO GIGGLE AND STIFLES IT)

TR: What? What is it?

SS (LAUGHING): What you said online - that you enjoy long walks and conversation. (SHE LAUGHS) The only time you took a long walk was when I tried to start a conversation.

TR: You look nice, Carol. You care for a drink?

SS: A white wine. But only one. Then I'm out of here.

TR (TO WAITER): Two white wines. Thanks.

(PAUSE)

SS: You still in therapy, Frank?

TR: Yeah.

SS: (PAUSE) Good.

TR: (PAUSE) Are you - are you - you know -

SS: Am I seeing anyone? No, I'm not. That's why I was in that chat room.

TR: Oh. How's Muffy? And Mr. Pookey?

SS: (TREMBLING) They miss you, Frank. Every night, Muffy jumps up on the bed and sniffs the pillow on your side. And at six o'clock, when you used to come home from work, Mr. Pookey always sits by the back door and waits.

TR: COLLAPSES INTO SOBBING

SS: They miss you, Frank. And so do I. (SHE SOBS)

TR: I miss them, too.

SS: Come home, Frank.

TR: Let's go - (MUSIC SWELLS, BIG VIOLIN OBLIGGATO)

GK: Cats. They're not just pets anymore. They're part of your life, whether you know it or not. And sometimes, when people give up on each other, it's cats that keep us together. A message from Bertha's Kitty Boutique.

(MUSIC UP AND OUT, WITH VIOLIN MEOWS AT END)