Opening Jokes
Saturday, April 10, 1999
Listen


(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, PP: Paula Poundstone, RW: Robin Williams, LW: Linda Williams)

 


GK: What did the Bee say to the flower?

 

SS: Hey Bud, when do you open?


 

GK: So these two ducks meet and fall in love and they rent a hotel room and suddenly the drake realizes he doesn't have any condoms, so he calls room service, and a bellman brings one up on a tray.

TR: Shall I put it on your bill, sir?

TK (DUCK): Excuse me?


 

GK: Two bees ran into each other one day. And one asks, "How's everything going?" "Terrible. Too much rain. No flowers or pollen." "Here's what you do. Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzva h going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit. But here. Put this yarmulka on your head. You don't want them to think you're a wasp."


 

SS: Hyman Goldfarb went to Buckingham Palace to be knighted by the Queen, and he knelt for her to put the sword on his shoulder, and he was supposed to say something in Latin, and he forgot it, so instead he said something in Hebrew, a question from the Passover seder, "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh." And the queen turned to her grand chamberlain and said,

TR (BRIT): Why is this knight different from all other knights?


TK: So this guy bought a new Cadillac and he was so proud, he invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to come and bless it. The priest sprinkled holy water over it, and chanted in Latin. The minister led everyone in prayer. The rabbi sang a psalm and cu t off the end of the tailpipe.

 

SS: So a guy staggers out of a bar and into the cathedral and into a confessional.

TR: (CLEARS THROAT) May I help you, my son?

TK: I dunno. You got any toilet paper on your side?


 

SS: Did you hear that all the toilet seats were stolen at police headquarters? Yes, the police have nothing to go on.


 

PP: I have good news and bad news for you, sir. We had to amputate your left leg.

TK: What is the good news, doctor?

PP: The man in the next bed has offered to buy your shoes.


(SHORT MUSIC)

 

SS: The secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

GK: This is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?

SS: The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button and the paper went.

GK: Great. I just need one copy.


TR: A guy walked into a cafe and asked for a bowl of chili. The waitress said, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full.

 

TR: Excuse me. If you're not going to eat that, you mind if I take it?

TK: No. Help yourself.

GK: He starts to eat it and about half way down, his fork hits something and it's a dead mouse in it, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl.

TK: That's about as far as I got, too.


 

TR: I brewed my first batch of beer and entered it in a home- brewing contest and I got back a note that said, "Dear Sir, your horse has diabetes."


 

GK:

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

 


GK: So, A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and sat and drank it and he heard a voice.

 

SS: Nice tie.

GK: Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

SS: Really cool shirt, too.

GK: He thought he must be losing his mind.

SS: I like your hair that way.

GK: He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."

TK: Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.


 

GK: So this guy goes into a bar and it has a restaurant and it's Christmas and he's feeling good so he orders the eggs Benedict and a few minutes later the waiter brings the eggs out on a big, shiny hubcap and the guy says, A hubcap? And the waiter says,

TK: (SING) O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!


 

SS: So a brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"


TR: So a bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer........... and a packet of peanuts. The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"


 

GK: So this man entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different entries hoping one would win, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.


TK: Ohh Doctor, I"m feeling terrible. Am I dying?

 

TR: I"ll have to examine you. Hmm...hmmm...I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time.

TK: Oh no! How long have I got?

TR: 10...

TK: 10? 10 what?

TR: 9.

TK: Nine? Nine what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

TR: 8...7...6...


 

GK: You are in great shape for a 60 year old

TR: Who says I'm 60, Doctor?

GK: How old are you?

TR: I turn 80 next month.

GK: Gosh, 80!! How old was your father when he died?

TR: Who says my father's dead?

GK: He's not dead?!

TR: Nope, he's 104 this year.

GK: Well, with that family history, I imagine your grandfather must have lived to be pretty old.

TR: Who says my grandfather's dead?

GK: He's not dead?!

TR: Nope. He'll be 129 this year and he's getting married next week.

GK: Gosh! Why at his age would he want to get married?

TR: Who says he wants to?


(MUSIC CUE - SHORT)

 

SS: Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery.

TR: Wow! Great! Should I pack for the beach or for a cruise or what?

SS: I don't care, just get the hell out. I mean, I like your approach... let's see your departure.


 

GK: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

PP: She had three men giving her directions.


 

GK: Why did God make man before woman?

SS: You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.


SS: Scientists have discovered a new food that lowers the male sex drive.

 

GK: Oh really?

SS: Wedding Cake.


SS: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

 

GK: I don't know.

SS: So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.



SS: Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't want to miss it.

 


TR: I'm glad my wife became a feminist. Now she complains about all men, not just me.


 

SS: My husband is on a new diet. He's losing five pounds a week. In a year and a half, I'll be rid of him completely.


 

TR: A psychologist did a study of 300 people and their sex lives. They all filled out questionnaires and some of them said they had sex almost every night and others said they had sex once a week and others once or twice a month and one man said he had se x once a year. The psychologist felt badly for him and went over and patted him on the back and said, "That's too bad, I'm really sorry for you," and the man grinned up at him and said, "Yes, but tonight's the night."


TK: The General ran into his doctor at the officers' club and he told the doctor, "I don't know, Doc. My sex life isn"t as good as it used to be."

 

TR: Really, General? when was the last time you had sex?

TK: 1958.

TR: 1958! That's a long time ago.

TK: Whaddya mean, it's only 2130 right now.


 

PP: So, The State of Alaska's Department of Fish and Game is advising people to take extra precautions against bears to wear bells on their clothing and to carry pepper spray and to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. It's important to k now the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung: Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.


 

GK: A man called home from the office and told his wife:

TR: Listen, I've got a chance of a lifetime to go fishing for a week but I have to leave right away. So would you pack my clothes and my fishing gear, and be sure to pack my blue silk pajama.

GK: So he dashed home and grabbed the bags and went off and returned a week later. LW: Did you have a good time?

TR: Yes, it was great, but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas

LW: No, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.


(MUSIC CUE)

 

TR: I'm sorry Sir, but you have an incurable condition and there is nothing more I can do for you.

TK: Isn't there anything you can do? Something you can suggest?

TR: You might go to the spa and taking a daily mud bath.

TK: Will that help?

TR: No, but it will help you get used to dirt.

TK: (OLD MAN GROANS)


(TRAIN SFX)

GK: Four people were riding in a train compartment: a woman and her beautiful 19 year old daughter, and facing them, an Army general and his valet, a sergeant. The train went through a tunnel and there was a (KISS) and then a (SLAP) and they came out of t he tunnel. The mother thought,

TR: That young man tried to steal a kiss from my daughter.

GK: The daughter thought,

TR: That young man tried to kiss me and kissed my mother by mistake.

GK: The General thought,

TR: That young man stole a kiss and I was the one who got slapped for it.

GK: The Sergeant thought,

TR: Not bad. I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the General. And here comes another tunnel.


 

GK: What happens when you take Viagra with beans? RW: You get a stiff wind.


RW: Why don"t Amish people water ski?

RW: It"s too hard on the horses.


RW: Why did the Amish couple get divorced?

RW: He was driving her buggy.


RW: Where do you find a no-legged dog?

RW: Right where you left him.


TK: Why was the math book sad? It had so many problems. Who yelled "Coming are the British! Coming are the British!"?

 

TR: Paul Reverse.


TR: You know how Unitarians don't recognize the Trinity?

 

GK: Yes?

TR: Is that the same as how Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store?

GK: No, I think it's different.


GK: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah"s witness with a Unitarian?

GK: Some one who knocks on your door but isn"t sure why.


GK: What do you get when you cross a Lutheran and a Buddhist?

 

SS: Someone who sits up all night worrying about nothingness.


GK: What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with a border collie?

 

GK: Melancholy babies. What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?

GK: A zipper that never forgets.

SS: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?

SS: He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.


GK: How did the mouse feel after the cat chased it through a screen door?

LW: Strained.


GK: Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!

 


PP: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

GK: No, I didn't


TK: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? TK: Dam.
(DOORBELL)
TK: Lady, I"m the piano tuner.

 

SS: I didn"t send for a piano tuner.

TK: I know, but your neighbors did. (SOUR CHORD)


RW: Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes...that way, if he gets mad, he's a mile away and barefoot!

 

TR: Sir, I'd give you maybe three minutes to live. TK: Isn't there anything you can do for me, Doctor?

TR: Well, would you like me to boil you an egg?


 

GK: Five doctors went duck hunting one day, a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After awhile, a bird came winging overhead, and the GP raised his shotgun, but then he decided he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not..The pedi atrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun, and then he thought, "I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who sh ot. BOOM!! He blew it away, and he turned to the pathologist and he said, "Go see if that was a duck."


TK: It's the early bird who gets the worm but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

 

GK: A bunch of salesmen went to the funeral of another salesman, and they looked down at him lying in his coffin.

TR: Gosh. He looks terrible. What did he have?

TK: North Dakota... South Dakota...western Minnesota... Iowa... Nebraska... Kansas...


(MUSIC CUE)

 

TR: Boys and girls, remember that when you're feeling upset, it's a good idea to count up to twenty before you speak up.

TK: Mr. Fieldmeyer, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 your pants are on fire!


 

TR: Welcome to heaven. I am St. Peter, state your profession.

TK: I was a doctor.

TR: All right. You may enter.

SS: I was a lawyer.

TR: All right. You will be admitted on a trial basis.

GK: I was an HMO director, St. Peter.

TR: You may enter...but only for three days.


 

GK: So a lawyer dies and arrives at the pearly gates and he's so amazed, St Peter is there to meet him, with a marching band, and they've brought a convertible to carry him.

TK: St. Peter, I'm only a lawyer, I don't deserve this.

TR: Oh, my son, we added up all the hours you billed your clients for, and by our calculations you're about 193 years old.


 

GK: A man was walking down the street with two suitcases when a stranger came up and asked, "Have you got the time?" The man put down the suitcases and looked at his wristwatch and said,

TR: It's exactly five-forty six and fifty point six seconds and the barometric pressure is 30.06 and rising and if you'd like to see where we are by satellite positioning, I can show you that too, or get onto the Internet, check your e-mail, make a long distance call, send a fax. It's also a pager and it plays recorded books and it receives FM.

GK: That's amazing. I've got to have that watch. I'll pay you ten thousand for that.

TR: No, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm the inventor. I'm still working out the bugs. I haven't got it all programmed yet, it's not completely voice-activated.....

GK: I've got to buy that watch. Fifteen thousand. Twenty.

TR: Well, okay

GK:and he takes off the watch and the stranger walks away with it and the guy holds up the suitcases.

TR: "Don't you want the batteries?"


(MUSIC CUE)

 

SS: It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.


 

GK: So, Bill Gates died and went to Purgatory and St. Peter said

TK: Bill, you've done bad things, you've done good things. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

 

GK: So Bill Gates took a look at hell and it was beautiful, a big beach with thousands of beautiful women running around, and he looked at heaven and it was up in the clouds, with angels drifting around playing harps and singing. It was nice but he thought hell looked better, so he went there, and a week later St. Peter came to hell and there was Bill in chains, being burned and tortured by demons.

TR: This is awful, St. Peter, this is not what I expected! What happened to the beaches and the beautiful women?

TK: Oh. That was the screen saver.


 

TR: A man died and went to hell and he was standing in line waiting to get in and he noticed that Satan was at the gate and he'd touch each person and most of them he'd send them right in to the burning pit and others he'd set aside in a pile so he asked Satan about it

TK: Them? Oh, they're from Seattle and they're too wet to burn yet.


 

SS: Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your annual salary?"

GK: $200,000; I was a trial lawyer.

SS: I see.

TK: $95,000; I was a Realtor.

SS: Okay.

TR: $8,000.

SS: Oh, really. What instrument did you play?


 

GK: A minister died and went to heaven and ahead of him at the Pearly Gate was a guy in sunglasses and a leather jacket and the guy said to St. Peter.

TR: I'm Joe Nestorenko, cabdriver of Las Vegas.

GK: Saint Peter gave him a golden robe and golden staff and then it was the minister's turn.

TR: I am Elmer Lundberg, pastor of Zion Lutheran for forty five years.

GK: Saint Peter gave him a cotton robe and wooden staff

TR: But that man was a taxi driver? and he gets a golden robe? and golden staff?

GK: And St. Peter said:

SS: Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.


TK: You ever see all the cabs lined up at the Dallas airport?

 

TR: You mean, The yellow rows of taxis?


LW: There were two boll weevils who grew up in Dallas. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind on the farm and never amounted to much. I guess you'd say he was the lesser of two weevils.

 

TR: Remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were 16 and told me I"d have to marry you or he was gonna send me to jail for 30 years?

SS: Yeah, why are you thinking about that?

TR: I"d be a free man today.


 

TR: Why do men pass gas more often than women?

GK: Women never close their mouths long enough for the pressure to build up.


 

GK:Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

SS: Have you ever seen a doctor?

GK: No. Just spots.


RW: Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I"m Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse.

 

SS: Hmmm, how long have you been having these Disney spells.


TK: Doctor, I'm suicidal. What should I do?

 

TR: Pay in advance.


 

SS (OLD LADY): I was despondent over the death of my husband, Earl, so I decided to kill myself - to shoot myself in the heart - and I didn't want to miss, so I called my doctor to find out exactly where the heart is and he said it's right below your left breast, so I shot myself and they took me to the hospital with a bullet wound in my left knee.


 

TR: Honey? I went to the doctor, and

SS: And what?

TR: The doctor says I only have one day to live.

SS: Oh?

TR: Just one day. So I want it to be wonderful. I want to go out to a great restaurant with you and have a big meal and come home and make love with you and drink a great champagne and sit and talk and then make love again just as the sun comes up. What d o you say?

SS: Look, I've got to get up in the morning; you don't!


(MUSIC)

GK: Oh, Doctor, something's wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved for three days. He's not dead, is he?

TR: Let me have a look. Hmmm, mmhm. Yes. I am afraid he is dead.

GK: This can't be true. I don't believe it. I want a second opinion.

TR: Okay. Let me bring in my assistant. Here Puff, here kitty.

GK: A cat???

TR: She's very smart.

TK: (CAT) Meow meow...huh-uh.

TR: Well, Sir, it looks like Puff agrees.

GK: I want another opinion.

TR: Okay, let me bring in my assistant. Come here, Sport. Good boy.

GK: A black labrador???

TR: He's very smart.

TK: (DOG) Roof, roof...grrrr...uh-uh.

TR: Sir, I'm sorry but we all agree that your dog is dead.

GK: Oh. This is terrible, how much do I owe you?

TR: $650.00.

GK: Six hundred and fifty dollars!

TR: The exam was only $50, but the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.


 

SS: (OLD LADY) Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

TR: Ma'am, you were driving twenty miles an hour - the minimum speed is forty five.

SS: I thought the speed limit was twenty two miles an hour!

TR: This is Highway 22! that's not the speed limit.

SS: Oh, goodness. Thank you, officer.

TR: Ma'am, your passengers they don't look well. Is everyone OK?

SS: Oh, they'll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 119.


TK: If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is definitely not for you.


 

SS: So what is your most vivid childhood memory.

TR: I remember my father teaching me how to swim. We went out on our boat on one of the lakes in the area. He rowed me out a little ways from shore and threw me overboard. I swam back to shore. He took me out further and threw me overboard again. Again I swam back to shore. He took me out still further to the deepest part of the lake and threw me overboard once more. I swam back to shore again. And that's how I learned to swim. Actually, learning to swim wasn't the hard part ... it was getting out of that burlap bag.



(MUSIC CUE) TK: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

 

(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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