APHC: Saturday, April 17, 1999

The Ketchup Advisory Board
Saturday, April 17, 1999
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(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)

Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.

SS: These are the good years for me and Jim. The kids got accepted into a nice boarding school in Venezuela. The dog got his degree from obedience school, awarded posthumously. And that funny smell wasn't from either one of us, it was a dead squirrel in the furnace.

We should have been happy, and yet, the other night I came home and found Jim staring out the living room window. Jim, honey. Is something wrong?

TR: Barb - I don't think I'll ever be an interior decorator.

SS: Oh?

TR: I've been turned down by the Famous Designers School.

SS: The one that advertises on the back of matchbooks? With a picture of a room that says Accent Me?

TR: That's the one. I sent in my application and they sent back a note that said my ideas were puerile and jejune.

SS: Oh Jim -

TR: They suggested I apply to their Famous Carpet Layer's School instead.

SS: Oh dear ...

TR: I worked so hard over that design. The black leather sofa, the plaid curtains, the lampstands made of artillery shells, the souvenir pillows from Hawaii ...

SS: You're a duck hunter, Jim. Not many duck hunters do well in interior design. They're just not compatible.

TR: And then just last month I was turned down for the Talent from towns under Two Thousand contest -

SS: Oh, what do they know? Really. What did you send in on the audition tape?

TR: A five-minute talk about the importance of a diversified investment portfolio, Barb. It was my best work. People at the office heard it and wept.

SS: You know what you need, Jim?

TR: Yes. A break.

SS: No, you need ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help dull the pain of unrealized dreams. C'mon, let's go to the kitchen and I'll fix you some toast. With ketchup.

TR: I feel better already.

RD: