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The Ketchup Advisory Board SS: These are the good years for me and Jim. Since the cat went on Valium, she isn't waking us up at night scratching at the door. My dry cleaner is using less starch in my slacks, so that burning sensation has gone away. The guy whose Chihuahua Jim backed into with the rider mower has finally reached a settlement with our attorneys. And my company gave me an all-expenses paid four-day trip to Bismarck, North Dakota, a city I had never seen before. I should have been happy, and yet, when I got back - TR: Barb? Why are you sitting here in the kitchen sobbing into a paper towel? SS: Oh, Jim. I feel so terrible. I had such a wonderful time in Bismarck. What does that say about a person? That her big times were in Bismarck, North Dakota. So I called the Psychic Hotline this morning. TR: What did they say? SS: She said that she sensed a negative energy in Leo with the eclipse at 15 degrees Acquarius, a negative pull in the chakras of my consciousness center. And with me being a 9th house Scorpio with Aquarius rising - I mean, she said I can probably expect to be going into prison in the next few weeks. TR: Prison! SS: But that's not the worst. TR: What else did she say? SS: She said, "You've put on a few pounds, haven't you?" Honey, do you think I'm fat? TR: (PAUSE ONE BEAT) Next question? SS: I mean it. Do you think I've put on too much weight? TR: Too much compared to what? SS: There's a new diet pill, Jim, that sucks the fat right out of your system. The only side effects are cramping, bloating, spasms, audible lower intestinal distress and noxious emissions. But I could lose an extra 3 pounds a month! TR: Barb, I don't think you need a new diet pill. SS: You don't? TR: No. I think what you really need is ... ketchup. SS: Ketchup? TR: Ketchup is a vegetable enhances any diet - without noxious emissions. And ketchup has natural mellowing agents, so you'll be able to relax, and realize that you're still quite a looker, for a woman as old as you are. SS: Oh, Jim, you smooth talker you. TR: It's just you, me ... and ketchup, honey. SS: I love you, Jim. TR: I know. (c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor |
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An Interview with Heather Masse
In a 2009 interview, Heather Masse tells us about her earliest influences, auditioning in a women's bathroom, and a few memorable moments from A Prairie Home Companion.
Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).
