APHC: Saturday, May 15, 1999

Ketchup Advisory Board
Saturday, May 15, 1999
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(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)

Tonight's show is brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.

TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. We took a test in a magazine that showed that we communicate pretty darned well and are reasonably happy. I lied on some of my answers but not that many. The couch that Barb's mother gave us ten years ago finally got to the point where we could throw it out. And after years of suffering in silence, Barb and I finally admitted to each other that we hate the new wallpaper and we steamed it off.

To celebrate, we went out for dinner to a trendy new Italian restaurant, Tabula Rasa. And in the middle of the entree, suddenly Barb started to weep. (RESTAURANT NOISES) What's wrong, honey? Don't you care for penne with artichokes, and carmelized marigolds?

SS: No, I don't. I'm out of my depth, Jim. I'm afraid I'm the meatloaf and string bean type.

TR: How can you say that? You read The Atlantic Monthly every week.

SS: I don't, Jim. It's the same old issue I've had for three years. I only use it to hide my copy of People.

TR: You mean -?

SS: There's no use in pretending, Jim. Whom am I trying to kid?

TR: I don't know.

SS: Ordering the pinot noir, and trying so hard to pronounce it correctly, and then asking for it medium rare.

TR: It doesn't matter, honey. I don't care for linguini with arugula and rock shrimp either. I want my pasta the way it was made to be eaten - with a lot of red stuff on top. A nice tomato sauce.

SS: Or even better -

TR & SS: Ketchup.

SS: Nothing beats good old ketchup. With all its natural mellowing agents that help combat feelings of inadequacy.

TR: But when you've got ketchup, you've got what you need.

RD (SINGS): The sounds of morning, the ocean at sunrise,
The seagulls circling in the pink-blue skies
The tide is flowing like ketchup on french fries.

GK: Ketchup. For the good times.