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Ketchup Advisory Board Tonight's show is also brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board. TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. We sent money to our public radio station and they sent us a coffee cup and tote bag and we gave them to Barb's brother for his birthday, who seemed genuinely touched. Our governor Jesse Ventura has been in office for almost six months and he hasn't hit anybody over the head with a folding chair. And I found a bargain fare to Butte - $89 round-trip - with a carrier called Casino Airlines. I came upstairs to tell Barb the good news, only to find her in the kitchen, weeping, trying to stuff a copy of Vogue down the garbage disposal. Barb, honey. What's wrong? SS: Oh, Jim. I just had the most humiliating experience a woman can have. TR: Lunch with your mother? SS: No. I went shopping for a bathing suit. TR: What's so bad about that? SS: "What's so bad about that?" Easy for you to say. You've never had to squeeze yourself into a ladies bathing suit three sizes too small for you. TR: Actually, I have. Once. At Howard's bachelor party. SS: There I was standing under a harsh florescent light, looking at my cellulite in a three way mirror? It was horrible. TR: So you've got a few little lumps and bumps. A burst vein or two. Psoriasis. SS: Please. Stop. What happened to me, Jim? I used to have a waif-like fragility about me. And then I had three kids and now I look like a dockworker. TR: Ohhhh. You're still beautiful. You've got beautiful eyes. Nice hair. You have skin. And you have a 36-24-36 figure. Just not in that order. SS: I'm going to join a gym. I'm going to work myself back to the woman I used to be. TR: You know what you need, Barb? SS: Emergency Liposuction. TR: No. Ketchup. SS: Ketchup? TR: Yes. Everyone knows ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help a person face disappointment and heartbreak. And it has zero grams of fat, so it won't make a chubster get even flabbier. SS: Oh, Jim. Why didn't I think of ketchup? TR: Let me rustle you up some ketchup 'n cottage cheese. SS: I feel lovelier already. GK: Ketchup. For the good times. RD: Ketchup, ketchup ... (c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor |
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Now Available:
A Christmas Blizzard
GK's New Holiday Story
A comic novella about a Hawaii-bound holiday traveler who ends up stranded in his North Dakota hometown.
Audio edition also available»
The Prairie Home cruise has become legendary on two of the Seven Seas and now is setting sail on a third, a weeklong spring break cruise of the western Caribbean along the Mexican coast, and it leaves March 14 from Tampa.
Stories of a Wobegon romance far from home, all delivered with Garrison Keillor's trademark humor.
Read the first chapter»Signed Copies Available»
The latest collection of Lake Wobegon short stories gathered from live broadcasts include Confirmation Sunday, the church directory photos, Pastor Ingqvist's leather bound sermons along with song lyrics and the "95 Theses," among others. Companion audio also available.
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