Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie
Saturday, October 16, 1999
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(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)

Tonight's show is brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

It's been a tough summer for you. You went into a bar and ordered a Heinekin and the waitress thought you said Heimlich (SS EFFORT, TR CRY, BONES CRUNCH) and (SIREN) you were taken to the emergency room where your HMO denied you services (TR NAZI: Broken ribs??? And you need to see the doctor immediately? I don't think so!!! Nein! (RUBBER STAMP) Nein!! (STAMP) We'll see you two weeks from Friday!!! And you owe us $238 for the ride in the car!!! (STAMP, STAMP, STAMP) Next???)

And three weeks later you're still sore and wife says she's sick of the patch of dirt behind the house (SS: It's a mudhole!) and you'd promised to put in a patio there (SS: It's been sitting there for years!) (TR: But I have six broken ribs!!! SS: Oh, it's always something isn't it.) and she says that if you don't do something about it she'll hire someone to (SS: I'll get a contractor!) and the shame (STINK CHORD ON SAX) - the ignominy of having strange men come and work on your place - your male sense of territory is aroused (TR TARZAN YELL) and you go to work - (TRUCK BACKING) you buy a few yards of sand and gravel and have it dumped in back (AVALANCHE) - you cut 2x4s to make the forms (CIRCULAR SAW) and you nail them into place (HAMMERING) and you rent a cement mixer and (CEMENT MIXER) you pour the concrete for the slab (SLOP AND SLURP OF WET CONCRETE) and you hire an elephant to tamp it down (ELEPHANT CRY) and you smooth it off with a trowel (SCRAPING) and you finish it up and it looks good (TR PRIDE) and you celebrate (POP OF CHAMPAGNE CORK, POURING) and you have a couple glasses of champagne (TR WHOOPEE) and (TR LOSING BALANCE) you have a little accident (FALLING INTO WET CONCRETE) so the next day you have to bring back the elephant (ELEPHANT) and smoothe it again (SCRAPING) and it looks great until your brother-in-law comes over to look at it -

TK: Nice. Didja remember to slope it away from the house?

TR: Away from the house? (CHORD)

And that night you learn about sloping. A big storm. A flash flood (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) You look out the window (TR: Oh boy.) and you can see the current moving toward your house (TR: Oh my gosh), the patio is like a culvert bringing water directly into your living room (TR PANIC), what can you do? (SS SLEEPY: Honey, is something wrong? TR: No. I just need to close the windows.) And you dash downstairs and (RIVER) it's three feet deep in your living room (CRASHING) and furniture is floating and (HOWL) the dog is trying to swim and the cat is hanging onto the light fixture (CAT PANIC) and in a few hours half of the backyard is in your living room (FOOTSTEPS IN MUD) and your house is a foot off the foundation (CREAKING) - what can you do? You go upstairs (FOOTSTEPS) and you put a blindfold on your wife. (SS: What are you doing? TR: It's a surprise. We're going on a trip. SS: Oh Earl, how romantic.) And you tie the harness around her. (SS: What's this?) TR: Take her up!!! CHOPPER. SS FADING SQUEAL. TR: See you in Hawaii!!) CHOPPER AWAY) So you hire a drainage expert to come and have a look. (TK JOWLY MAN EXPLAINS NEED FOR EXCAVATION HERE AND HERE AND HERE) (TR: Maybe I should jack up the house and put it on pilings ... JOWLY MAN DISAGREES. (TR: Oh boy. You sure? JOWLY MAN CERTAINTY) And that morning the bulldozer comes (DOZER) and they clear out your living room (MUD MOVING) and then they excavate the back yard (MORE DOZER) and then they have to blow up the patio (THREE MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS). Your brother-in-law is there. (TK: Didja remember to turn off the gas?) No, you didn't. (BIG EXPLOSION) That was very bad.

TR: Where's my house?

TK: You see the big scorch mark?

(RHUBARB THEME)

It's at times like that, you want Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

 

(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

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