APHC: Saturday, October 23, 1999

Duct Tape with Jesse

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(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)

(WOOD BREAKAGE. MUFFLED JESSE STRUGGLING. MORE BREAKAGE.)

TR (JESSE): Sorry. Didn't know you had a lock on that. (BIG GLASS BREAKAGE) Darn. How do you get in here? (DOOR OPEN. JUNK FLOWS OUT, STREAM OF JUNK. SOME GLASS BREAKAGE. AND FINALLY A HUBCAP SPINS AND FALLS.)

GK: Hey, Governor. Good to see you.

TR: Hey. It's good to be seen! Sorry about the door. Guess I don't know my own strength.

GK: Or weight. How's everything going, Governor? You're looking good, there.

TR: Thanks. These are my new snakeskin pants.

GK: Very nice.

TR: These pants are so tight, I gotta trim my toenails to put them on.

GK: Is that so?

TR: And what about this shirt? Spiffy, huh?

GK: Very.

TR: It's woven from frogs' chest hair.

GK: Frogs have chest hair?

TR: They do if they take steroids.

GK: Froghair, huh? It's so thin, it's almost like it's not there.

TR: I had it specially made.

GK: It looks like it.

TR: Yeah, I've been trying to dress up more - that's why the lava hat and the mood boots -

GK: So that's what mood boots look like - And that's a lava hat?

TR: Yep. Those oils heat up when I'm thinking and they get all wavy and everything.

GK: It looks like you're thinking right now.

TR: Yep.

GK: Well, don't let us interrupt.

TR: Yeah, I've been thinking about maybe moving to L.A. for awhile -

GK: Is that right?

TR: Yeah. I just got so many invitations to go on shows, you know, do interviews and personal appearances, I was thinking it might save the state of Minnesota travel money if I were to just open up a governor's mansion in Malibu.

GK: Well, that'd be a first.

TR: You know, there's nothing in the state constitution that says the governor has to actually reside here, you know? Did you know that?

GK: Well, I don't think there'd be as much opposition to that as you might imagine.

TR: I think it's my duty to do personal appearances, cause when I go on these talk shows, you know, I am representing the state of Minnesota.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: People around the country who never been to Minnesota - they see me and they get an idea of what Minnesota is all about.

GK: Right.

TR: I'm like an ambassador. So I ought to go to a media center like L.A. where I can do the most good.

GK: Well, you've got a point there, Governor. You're going to do the duct tape commercial for us, though, right?

TR: You bet. Got the check?

GK: There it is. -- And now, for duct tape, here's Governor Jesse (The Body) Ventura ...

TR: Okay ... The number one product in the world for damage control is Duct Tape; everybody knows that. Whether you rip the seat of your pants or the tailpipe falls off your snowmobile or you knock a hole in your kitchen wall trying to explain something, you gotta have Duct Tape. I use it sometimes when somebody asks me a question about underwear or religion - just slap it across my mouth until the mood passes. But just cause duct tape is so darned useful doesn't mean it has to be ugly! - I mean, silver or blue? Okay, but how about this pink duct tape. Isn't that nifty? And you see, it's got pictures of this lady on it, too. Quite a set of headlights on that one, huh? Look what happens when I wiggle the duct tape back and forth. Look. Didja see that? Didja? No. Lemme do it again. See how her clothes come off. Pretty neat, huh? Quite a rack on that one, too, huh? Look at my tie when I turn the lights off? See the hula dancer? Watch her skirt. There it goes. Hooyah!!!

GK: Thank you sir. That's Governor Jesse Ventura, for Duct Tape. (HONK)