Ketchup Advisory Board


(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)


(brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board)


TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. We got a good hard frost so now we can stop taking care of all the plants she bought. And it was warm last weekend and so I got the leaves all raked up and that's how I found my billfold. Which is where I keep the little slip of paper where I've written down Barb's birthday. I was worried that maybe it was coming up in November. Nope. May 15th. So I was doing okay. But that night I came home to find Barb sitting in the living room watching Teletubbies. (TELETUBBIES SFX)

TR: Barb? Is something wrong?

SS: Oh Jim. It's weird, isn't it.

TR: It's all right, Barb. A lot of adults like to sit and watch bulbous figures prance around on the hillsides and squeak at each other.

SS: I know it seems silly but for me the Teletubbies is the closest thing to the drug experiences I used to have in the Seventies. And that Tinky Winky - he reminds me of a guy I used to date.

TR: Is something wrong, Barb? Tell me.

SS: Oh - tonight I came home and I forgot the password for the microwave so I had to fix dinner on the stove and it burnt because I was trying to figure out what to do about this grinding noise in my laptop and I tried to call you at your office and I tried your cellphone and your pager and the carphone and then my hard drive crashed and now I can't remember any of my jokes. I had hundred and hundreds of them. I can't remember a single one!

TR: The one about the two penguins? You remember that.

SS: I don't.

TR: Where the one penguin says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."?

SS: Yeah?

TR: And the other penguin says, "How do you know I'm not?"

SS: I don't get it.

TR: How about the one about the lady who took valium instead of her birth-control pills? She had fourteen kids but she didn't care.

SS: I never heard that before.

TR: You told me that joke yesterday, Barb. We were at The Ecstatic Zucchini. You were having the spinach pesto.

SS: The worst of it is, all of the kids' e-mail was on that hard drive. What if I can't recover it? How will I know where they live?

TR: We don't have addresses?

SS: I thought Debbie moved to Utah but I don't know. Doesn’t Jim Jr. live in Texas somewhere?

TR: Well, I'm sure they'll get in touch if they need us.

SS: Jim, life is just too stressful. Let's quit our jobs and take early retirement and move to Alburquerque and be happy. Why not?

TR: Barb, all we need is a little more ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help a person accept disappointments. And natural endorphins that help combat feelings of inadequacy.

SS: Oh Jim -

TR: What do you say we go find ourselves a bottle right now?

RD (SINGS): These are the good years, in the golden sun
                        A new day is dawning, a new life has begun
                        The river flowing like ketchup on a bun.

GK: Ketchup. For the good times.

(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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