APHC: Saturday, October 30, 1999

Brain Surgery
Saturday, October 30, 1999
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)

GK: ... Right after this word from Slice of Life Surgical Center ... ready to serve you at more than one-hundred locations in the Twin Cities area, including the Airedale Mall, Clydesdale, Hillandale, and Mondale.

(CHORD)

GK: Men, has this ever happened to you? You wake up in the morning and -

TR (SNUFFLING, GRUNTING)

SS: What's wrong, honey? Didn't you sleep well?

TR: I've got grass and twigs in my hair and my p.j.'s are ripped. And I - (HE BURSTS INTO A HOWL)

SS: When did you start growing a beard, Bob?

TR: A beard??? Oh, my gosh!!! (HORROR CHORD, AND BRIDGE)

GK: The tests came back from the lab this morning, Bob. They're positive.

TR: Positive???

GK: You've become a werewolf.

TR: But how?? I go to church. I work in an office.

GK: Maybe you drank from a water fountain that another werewolf drank from. Maybe you fell asleep with the full moon shining on your face. Who knows.

TR: So that's why my toenails got so long.

GK: Could be. And do you feel a powerful urge to be with other men with beards?

TR: I've been hanging around the University all day.

GK: The scientific term is lycanthropic metamorphosis, Bob. In laymen's terms, you're half man, half wolf.

TR: Is there a cure?

GK: Yes, thanks to brain surgery, there is.

TR: Will my health plan cover werewolf surgery?

GK: It doesn't matter. At Slice of Life, we've brought costs down. During our Halloween Madness Surgery sale, loboectomies are only $39.95.

TR: Wow.

GK: Room and tax not included.

TR: Will my personality change as a result of my surgery?

GK: You better hope it does. - A few days later (MUSIC)

TK: (RESPIRATOR) (CLINK OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS) Boy. The breath on this one is pretty rank. Didn't you floss him?

SS: That's your pizza, doctor.

TK: Oh. Right. So it is. Okay. Give me the big snips -

SS: Big snips.

TK: That's the pizza cutter. Oh well. Whatever. We'll crop the ears. (TWO SNIPS, HARD MATERIAL) And the tail. (BIG EFFORT, SNIP, HARD MATERIAL) Power drill.

SS: Power drill.

TK: - And we'll file down these fangs. (DRILLING) There. Now we'll go into the brain and clean out the lycanthropic reflex center.

SS: Uhhhh ... where is that?

TK: Right where you put that red mark, no?

SS: That's tomato sauce.

TK: Oh. - Well, it's right back behind the bridge of the nose. Right here. (DRILL) There. Got it.

SS: Are you sure?

TK: I think so. We'll find out when he wakes up.

SS: Say? What happened to your pizza?

TR: Oh, no. Must've left it in the cranial cavity.

SS: Not again. (MUSIC)

GK: The very next week -