Cafe Bouef and Larry
Saturday, December 25, 1999
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, TK: Tom Keith)


GK: This portion of our show brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf on West 43rd Street with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Happy holidays, Maurice. Joyeux Noel.

TK: You what? You can't find your hotel?

GK: Joyeux Noel!

TK: You hear a bell?

GK: Joyeux Noel. Merry Christmas.

TK: Ah! Christmas! Of course. Joyeux Noel.

GK: That's what I said, Joyeux Noel.

TK: I have no idea what you're talking about.

GK: Never mind. It's good to see you. Do you have a table for one?

TK: Do you have a reservation, monsieur?

GK: No, but--- it doesn't look like you're that busy tonight----

TK: These tables, monsieur ---- they are all reserved. All of them.

GK: All of them?

TK: Reserved...

GK: Your reservation book doesn't look full---- (BIG BOOK SNAPPED SHUT)

TK: You can't go by that, monsieur. (FRENCH IRRITATION) Non, non, non....

GK: But if people haven't reserved the tables, how can they be reserved?

TK: Because I have reserved them.

GK: For who?

TK: For the young, for the exciting people of fashion, the designers --- the people in black, the beau monde, for the---- for the---- people who do not wear that kind of tie.

GK: This tie? This was a gift.

TK: So is herpes.

GK: Is it that bad?

TK: A fish belongs on a plate, not on a tie.

GK: I thought it was sort of festive.

TK: If you wish a table, let me put you back this way, monsieur. Come. (FOOTSTEPS) I'm sorry, but that tie of yours ---- it's not a good advertisement.

GK: I could take off the tie....

TK: Yes, but then what would distract people from looking at your face....

GK: Maurice!! (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)

TK: Let us be frank, monsieur.

GK: This is no time for frankness. It's Christmas.

TK: People will look at you, they will assume that this is a restaurant that serves only cheese and potatoes.

GK: How far back are we going? (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)

TK: A little farther. (DOOR OPEN) Down here, monsieur.

GK: You're putting me down the basement?

TK: The wine cellar. You'll like it. Come. (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS) (REVERB) Watch your step, monsieur. The light--- it's burnt out.

GK: Are there tables down here? (FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE FLOOR, HESITANT) It's so dark. I don't know how you could even read a menu down here. This must be the table here. Where the candle is. Hello? Is there someone else here?

TK (LARRY): Hi. It's me.

GK: Larry?

TK (LARRY): Yes.

GK: Larry, what are you doing down here? It's Christmas.

TK (LARRY): I know.

GK: Why aren't you with your family?

TK (LARRY): I don't want em to see me like this. My hair transplant failed.

GK: Your hair transplant failed?

TK: My own hair. Rejected me.

GK: I thought you were leaving the country, Larry. Selling your Web site and taking your cats and moving to Antigua---

TK (LARRY): I sold the website.

GK: Congratulations.

TK (LARRY): I got two million dollars for it.

GK: That's great. Congratulations.

TK (LARRY): Two million dollars. For Larry dot com-dot com.

GK: We ought to celebrate. Maurice???!!! That's wonderful.

TK (LARRY): And then the people I sold it to turned around and sold it.

GK: Oh?

TK (LARRY): For two hundred and twenty million dollars.

GK: Oh.

TK (LARRY): Two weeks after I sold it to them.

GK: Well ---- kind of rough, huh.

TK (LARRY): I just lost two hundred and eighteen million dollars.

GK: But you've got two million....

TK (LARRY): Have you ever lost two hundred and eighteen million dollars?

GK: No, I haven't.

TK (LARRY): It's quite a feeling.

GK: I imagine.

TK (LARRY): It's sort of like having your lungs yanked out.

GK: Well ---- you'll go to Antigua, you'll get on the beach, life'll start to look good again.

TK (LARRY): This is like the time you threw the ice chunk and hit me in the head.

GK: Larry---

TK (LARRY): I used to be the popular one. I used to have loads of friends. Then you hit me in the head with that ice chunk.

GK: It was a snowball, Larry. It was light fluffy snow.

TK (LARRY): It didn't feel light and fluffy.

GK: Larry, listen---

TK (LARRY): Don't give me that stuff about looking for the silver lining.

GK: But it's true, Larry. You've got to look for the silver lining whene'er a cloud appears in the blue. Because somewhere the sun is shining and the best thing to do is let it shine on you, Larry.

TK (LARRY): I'm a basement kind of guy. I'm not a sunshine guy.

GK: Life is good, Larry, if we look for the good that's in it. If we live every moment to the fullest.....what do you want to eat?

TK (LARRY): I'm not hungry.

GK: How about a salad?

TK (LARRY): I hate salads.

GK: How about some fish?

TK (LARRY): It tastes too fishy.

GK: How about soup?

TK (LARRY): Too messy.

GK: Chicken?

TK (LARRY): It reminds me of snake meat.

GK: Snake meat?

TK (LARRY): It tastes just like chicken.

GK: How about roast turkey?

TK (LARRY): I'm sick of it.

GK: How about the steak au poivre? With pommes frites?

TK (LARRY): I don't think I'd like it.

GK: Pork?

TK (LARRY): Pork is okay. Pork sausage. With potatoes and melted cheese.

GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

TK (LARRY): Don't tell him I'm here. Okay?

GK: Okay. Is that you, Maurice? (FOOTSTEPS STOP)

TK (MAURICE): Yes, of course. So---- are you ready to order, monsieur?

GK: I'd like the pork sausage with potatoes and melted cheese, Maurice.

TK (MAURICE): Very well.

GK: And I'd also like the steak au poivre.

TK (MAURICE): Well, thank you very much, I do my best.

GK: No, no ---- I said steak au poivre. Poivre.

TK (MAURICE): You wish to take what off?

GK: No, no ---- steak au poivre with pommes frites.

TK (MAURICE): What about the economy?

GK: Pommes frites.

TK (MAURICE): You're taking trigonometry?

GK: French fries and a pepper steak.

TK (MAURICE): Aha!!! Steak au poivre and pommes frites.

GK: Exactly.

TK (MAURICE): How would you like your steak, monsieur?

GK: Rare.

TK (MAURICE): Rare!! (FRENCH ADMIRATION)

GK: Yes. Rare.

TK (MAURICE): Rare!! (FRENCH SHIVER OF EXCITEMENT AND SOPHISTICATED LAUGH) I salute you, monsieur. (TWO KISSES ON EACH CHEEK)

GK: And bring two forks, please.

TK (MAURICE): Of course we're in New York.

GK: And merry Christmas, Maurice. The Cafe Boeuf New York....The home of heroism and passion and irony and (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)- --- (PLAYOFF)

 

(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy