|
The Lives of the Cowboys TR: It's time once again for THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop, the electronic alarm you put in your boot so pesky varmints can't run off with them while you're sleeping by the campfire. Let Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop protect your boots, pardner. And now here's today's exciting adventure ... (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, CATTLE NEARBY) GK: Well, here we are in the year 2000, Dusty. TR: Yep. GK: Pretty darned exciting, if you ask me. TR: Hmmmhh. GK: But I guess you didn't ask me, so why am I telling you about it. TR: Right. (HE HAWKS AND SPITS) GK: Looks like the level of conversation out here on the trail is going to stay pretty much what it was in the previous millenium. TR: You're probably right. GK: You never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut, do you. TR: That's right. (APPROACHING GALLOPING HOOVES) GK: Thank goodness, a visitor. (SS ON HORSE, SERIES OF WHOAS, REINING IN HORSE, IT STOPS, SOME NERVOUS CIRCLING, WHINNYING, CHUFFING. SHE DISMOUNTS AND STRIDES TOWARD THEM.) SS: You boys okay? GK: Yes, ma'am. We're just fine. SS: Good. Any cattle fall over dead last night? TR: Nope. SS: Your computers working okay? TR: Don't have one. SS: Okay. Any visits from space aliens? any bright whirring lights in the sky? any sightings of extraterrestrials? TR: Nope. SS: Any sign of the Second Coming? Any sound of the Last Trump? You hear any angels? Any sightings of multitudes of Christians rising through the air? TR: Haven't seen any. SS: Okay. Guess you came through in good shape then. GK: Yep. We slept right through it. SS: That's good. Well, guess I better head on to the next campsite then ... GK: You doing an official survey, ma'am? SS: I'm with the State of New Mexico Y2K Emergency Preparedness Task Force. GK: New Mexico! Dusty, we're in New Mexico --- well, isn't that something. That's great. New Mexico. SS: Well, have a good day ... good talking to you --- GK: You wouldn't care for a cup of coffee, would you? TR: We ain't got no coffee. GK: Well, we can make some. TR: I thought we were gonna break camp and get moving, try'n get to Flagstaff next week. GK: You could be a little more hospitable, Dusty. TR: You know, if you postpone your plans everytime a beautiful woman comes into view, Lefty, you're never going to get anywhere. GK: Dusty, you are describing my life. --- Why don't you have a seat on that saddle, ma'am, and I'll rustle up some coffee? And how about some lunch, too? SS: Oh, I don't want you to go to any trouble. GK: It's no trouble, no trouble ... see, I just put the coffee beans down on this here rock (POUR BEANS) and I get White Blaze here to grind em --- paw the ground, girl (WHINNY), paw the ground, that's good --- (WHISK BROOM) and I sweep it up into this here burlap coffee filter and (POURING) put water from the canteen into the campfire espresso coffeemaker and --- steady, boss (MOO) (SQUIRTS) get us some milk and put that in the steamer (POURING) and bank up the fire a little and (PERCOLATE) here we got coffee already and now we just infuse it with the hot milk (STEAM) and there you go --- cowboy cappucino. No trouble at all. TR: Show off. SS: Why --- (SHE SIPS) this is the best cup of coffee I've tasted since I left Seattle. GK: Seattle! Really! Then you'd probably like some flavoring. We got hazelnut, vanilla, mocha, and this --- I don't know what this is --- some kinda fruit--- SS: Hazelnut. That's great. Thanks. (POURING) GK: How about lunch? TR: We ain't got any lunch. GK: I could rustle up a salad, or Dusty here'd be glad to take a run into town and pick you up something, a sandwich, a wrap, or something --- SS: No, thanks. I had a big breakfast. My husband always fixes me a big breakfast. GK: Oh. Well, that's nice of him. SS: Yes. He's a nice guy. GK: And he's nearby right now? SS: He's in the wagon. GK: That wagon over there? The man with the rifle across his lap? SS: Yes. That's him. GK: Good. --- HAPPY new YEAR! TR: Tell me, ma'am---- has anybody else seen signs of aliens landing or Christians taking off? SS: Well, some people believed they saw Pat Robertson's face in a cloud formation but it blew over. And there were reports of cattle getting spooked, but cattle are always getting spooked. TR: Well, that's for sure. GK: If we got worried everytime cattle got spooked, there wouldn't be time for much else. (STRUMS GUITAR, BAD CHORD) TR: What in the world are you doing? GK: Just thought I'd sing the lady a song, Dusty. (HE TUNES) TR: I didn't hear her request a song from you, Lefty. Did you, ma'am? SS: Depends on what song he has in mind. GK: I was thinking of this one. Til one night I sat by the campfire, And I wrote a novel called "Susan" TR: Man, this is going to be a long century if I have to listen to more songs like that. (THEME) SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... was brought to you by Sundown Kid deodorant and snake spray --- does your present deodorant contain ingredients that keep snakes from crawling into your bed while you sleep? If not, you better try Sundown Kid. You smell good and you don't get bit by snakes. (MUSIC OUT) (c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor |
|
|
|
|
Now Available:
A Christmas Blizzard
GK's New Holiday Story
A comic novella about a Hawaii-bound holiday traveler who ends up stranded in his North Dakota hometown.
Audio edition also available»
The Prairie Home cruise has become legendary on two of the Seven Seas and now is setting sail on a third, a weeklong spring break cruise of the western Caribbean along the Mexican coast, and it leaves March 14 from Tampa.
Stories of a Wobegon romance far from home, all delivered with Garrison Keillor's trademark humor.
Read the first chapter»Signed Copies Available»
The latest collection of Lake Wobegon short stories gathered from live broadcasts include Confirmation Sunday, the church directory photos, Pastor Ingqvist's leather bound sermons along with song lyrics and the "95 Theses," among others. Companion audio also available.
Order now!»