Saturday, January 15, 2000
Listen
(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
.....(PIANO)
SS: Mr. Baker? I'm Dr. Able. I'm filling in for Dr. Charlie today. What seems to be your problem? Says here you have a fever.
TR: I do.
SS: Fever.
TR: Fever in the morning. Fever all through the night.
SS: When does it come on?
TR: The fever?
SS: Yes.
TR: When she holds me tight.
SS: When she holds you tight?
TR: It's a heat wave when I'm with her, something inside starts burning and I'm filled with desire.
SS: I see. Any other symptoms?
TR: I itch.
SS: Fever and an itch, huh?
TR: I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree. My friends say I'm acting queer as a bug.
SS: Are you under a lot of stress, Mr. Baker?
TR: I am. I'm all shook up.
SS: You feel weak or shaky?
TR: My hands are shakin' and my knees are weak. I can't seem to stand on my own two feet.
SS: You seem a little shaken. How about your heart beat?
TR: My heart beats so it scares me to death.
SS: I'd like a urine sample in this plastic cup?
TR: I don't know. I'm all shook up.
SS: There seems to be a whole lot of shaking going on.
TR: That's not all. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare.
SS: Delusional. Hmmm. Interesting.
TR: I don't think I'm sick, though.
SS: No.
TR: I'm just in love.
SS: I don't think so.
TR: I laughed at love cause I thought it was funny. And she came along and she moved me, honey. She touched my hand, what a chill I got. Her love is like a volcano that's hot.
SS: Just pee in the plastic cup----
TR: I'm in love. I'm all shook up.
SS: Fever morning and night, itching, rapid heartbeat, shakiness, delusions of singing---- are you experiencing unusual visual stimuli?
TR: Great balls of fire.
SS: Goodness gracious. Anything else?
TR: My tongue gets tied when I try to speak. My insides shake like a leaf on a tree. There's only one cure for this soul of mine, that's to have the girl that I love so fine.
SS: I don't think so. I think you need some tests.
TR: I don't need analyzing. It's not so surprising I feel very strange but nice.
SS: Itchiness, fever, shakiness? --- I don't call that feeling nice. I think it's poison ivy.
TR: But I've been inside with this fever in the morning and fever all through the night.
SS: You might've gotten it from the fuzzy tree or from those blossoms. Anyway, late at night when you're sleeping, poison ivy comes a creeping around.
TR: You don't think the itchiness could come from something else? Measles? A cold?
SS: Mr. Baker, I'm a doctor. I've seen this before. Measles make you bumpy, and mumps'll make you lumpy, and chicken pox will make you jump and twitch. A common cold'll fool you, and whooping cough can cool you, but poison ivy, that's what makes you itch. Have you been to see anyone about this? Another doctor? TR: Just Madame Roux.
SS: You mean, the gypsy with the gold-capped tooth down on 34th and Vine?
TR: She sold me little bottles of---
SS: She didn't---
TR: ---Love potion No. 9.
SS: The combination of love potion and poison ivy is lethal, Mr. Baker. You're lucky you came in when you did. I'm going to write you a prescription. You're going to need an ocean of calamine lotion. And go home and go to bed and get some rest.
TR: What about the girl? What about love?
SS: Let it be.
TR: I got a hunka hunka burning love---
SS: There will be an answer, Mr. Baker, but in the meantime: let it be.
(PIANO BUTTON: ROCKING CHORUS OF GREAT BALLS OF FIRE)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor
