Swanson's Self-Storage
Saturday, January 22, 2000
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)

(CHORDS)
TR: ARE YOU CONSTANTLY PESTERED BY TELEMARKETERS CALLING YOUR HOME?
SS: HOW ABOUT UNWANTED E-MAIL? JUNK CATALOGS? LOUD TELEVISION COMMERCIALS?
TR: PEOPLE CALLING DURING MEALTIMES...THE COCKTAIL HOUR....
GK: PEOPLE ON THE STREET COMING UP AND TRYING TO SELL YOU THINGS?
SS: COMPLETE STRANGERS BADGERING YOU TO BUY STUFF....
GK: COMMERCIALS AT SPORTING EVENTS....IN ELEVATORS....EVEN RESTAURANTS...
TR: THE CONSTANT DIN OF COMMERCIALISM---- (STAGGERED SPEECHES)
TR: Here's an offer you won't hear again for years! Yes, we're discounting big time! Not just ten percent, not twenty percent, but a fifty percent discount! Can you believe it! It's incredible! It's here now! Save like you've never saved before!
SS: Haven't you always wanted your home to look bright and elegant? Take it from me, Diane Shillington, lighting is the secret, indirect lighting, and now it's possible for you to get the lighting system favored by movie stars and celebrities, and for thousands of dollars off the list price.
GK: If you're troubled by chronic phlegm, if you need to clear your throat repeatedly during the day and you see people edging away from you, maybe it's time you asked your druggist about Flemerol, it's the over-the-counter gargling solution that cuts phlegm quick.
TR: This is Tim Russell at Pat Donohue Chevrolet here in the Midway, where we're dealing and dealing big-time on 1999 Chevies, Chevy trucks, and Conquistadore snowmobiles---- you walk into Pat Donohue Chev, you'll be amazed at the volume ---- three indoor acres crammed bumper to bumper with cars, trucks, you name it, and these babies must go!
SS: Did you know that tap water may be poisoning you every day with chemicals that make you tired and edgy and cause short-term memory loss? Yes, if you've been depressed lately, you may simply need a water filter from O-con-o-mo Purity Systems. Try one for thirty days, see if you're not satisfied.
GK: When was the last time you cleaned out your bellybutton? Really cleaned it out? Did you know that serious infections often result from fermented bellybutton lint? Try Naval Artillery, the medicated cotton-tip that kills bellybutton viruses fast! TK: YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!! PLEASE!!! STOP!!!
TR: Yes, if the din of constant selling, selling, selling is causing you stress, and leading to a build-up of phlegm in your throat, ask your druggist about Flemerol, it's the over-the-counter gargling solution that cuts phlegm quick.
GK: We're discounting TVs and VCRs big time! Save sixty, seventy percent! We're going just plain crazy nuts with these bargains! Eighty percent! But remember Monday is the last day!
SS: At Andy Stein Studebaker, we're here ready to trade! Bring in your car, and let Andy Stein make an offer---- And remember nothing down and no payments until June! That's right! No payments until June!
TK: I CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE!!! I can't stand it!!! (HE SOBS) TR (QUIETLY): You know what your answer is, sir?
TK: What?
TR (QUIETLY): I think you need to go into self-storage for a little while.
TK: I think you're right.
TR: Swanson's Self Storage has hundreds of locations nationwide. It's the easy inexpensive way to get some peace and quiet. (DOOR CREAK OPEN)
SS: Right in there, Mr. Stickney.
TK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS, INTO REVERB)
SS: Lie on the floor, Mr. Stickney.
TK (REVERB): Okay. Is there a radio or TV in here?
SS: You don't want that, Mr. Stickney.
TK (REVERB): Okay.
SS: Get yourself comfortable. Just relax.
TK: (REVERB) Okay.
SS: I'll be back to get you in two weeks, okay?
TK: (REVERB) Okay. See you then.
SS: Bye. (CLOSE DOOR)
TR: Swanson's Self Storage.....when you need a time out.
(MUSIC OUT)

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor