APHC: Saturday, January 29, 2000

Voice Mail
Saturday, January 29, 2000
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)

(BEEP)
TR: Um. I'm calling for a Julie Swenson or Swanson? Anyway, guess you're not in. I got your name from a friend of mine who, uh, said it was okay, anyway my name is, uh---- Buddy, and if you want to call me, I'm at 426 --- uh --- 8472. So. Talk to you soon.

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. It's Julie. I'm sort of in and out. 462 2678. So--- give me a call. Your voice is familiar. Do I know you?

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. It's Julie. Couldn't remember if I left my number or not. It's 462 2678. Bye.

(BEEP)
TR: Hi. It's Buddy. Got your message. Sorry I was out. Anyway, I'm around if you want to give me a call. I don't know if you know me or not. Do you? (LAUGHS) Anyway---

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. It's Julie. Guess we're playing phone tag. Uh----- I'm going off to a meeting, but I'll check later for messages.

(BEEP)
TR: Julie--- it's Buddy. Sorry I missed you. I'm ---- uh, it's about 7 and I'm going to this meeting I go to, so --- call and leave a message and I'll try to get back to you tomorrow.

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. Funny we were each at a meeting the same night. Anyway, speaking of meetings, I don't know if you want to meet--- or what ---- but if you do, how's tomorrow morning?

(BEEP)
TR: Hi. Actually, morning isn't going to work for me. I have a meeting at eleven so ---- anyway --- I'd like to meet. If you want to. I mean --- you sound like a really unified person. I mean, in the mind/spirit sense. Maybe next week. Bye.

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. That's interesting what you said. About me being unified. I mean, Interesting phrase. I heard a guy use that phrase the other day who runs this big self-help program or whatever you call it. Anyway. Ciao.

(BEEP)
TR: Hi. Just me. I've got to go off but maybe we can talk later. Uhmm, you left a message yesterday --- something about a guy who said something at a meeting? Maybe the machine cut off, anyway I didn't get what you were saying. Anyway. Talk to you soon.

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. Sorry I missed you. I was going to ask if you--- Uhmmm, what was I going to say?- --- Oh. Yeah. The guy at the meeting. It's this group called WWJD, which stands for the Wayne Walters Journal of Discovery. Anyway he was the one who was talking about the unified personality. I'm sorry. The guy I mentioned on your answering machine. Anyway, it's interesting. I wouldn't say it was real deep or anything, but--- Anyway, I'm babbling. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

(BEEP)
TR: Thanks for calling. I've heard about that Wayne Walters program ---- I read about it once, I thought it seemed interesting. But you don't think it's real deep, huh? Well, you may be right. I don't know. Of course a lot of these inspirational guys come along and they sound real deep and people buy into it and six months later nobody remembers what they were talking about. Anyway. ---- You wouldn't happen to be a sort of a tall woman in a silk blouse and jeans and you were with two guys and a woman in a plaid jacket, do you? Just a wild guess. Never mind. It's none of my business.

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. Where did you see me? Was this in a club or something? You never said you'd seen me before. I hope this isn't some kind of a stalker.

(BEEP)
TR: Listen, I'm sorry if the message I left sounded weird ---- I guess it did --- but anyway I think I saw you at that WWJD meeting last week that you were talking about ---- what a coincidence, huh? You were standing way in the back --- Anyway. If you're interested in talking about any of that unified personality stuff, I mean, it's up to you. I actually think it's deeper than it sounds. But could you leave me a message and tell me when I could call you when you'd be there? Okay? Thanks. Bye.

(BEEP)
SS: Hi. I was thinking I'd get to talk to you because you called just a minute ago. Are you there? Hello? Buddy? You're not screening calls, are you? Anyway, I'm here if you want to talk. I'll be up until ten or ten thirty. Okay? Ciao.

(BEEP)
TR: Hi. I was thinking of calling last night and then, I don't know, I felt conflicted about it. And conflict is something I'm trying to eliminate from my life, which I think is possible ---- and I'm on this program where I meditate a lot and I fast and I try to maximize my intake of really pure water and pure oxygen which I happen to believe is the basic engine of the Life Force, so---- I don't know if you're interested in this stuff or not. Maybe not. Anyway. I'll talk to you soon.

(BEEP)
SS: Hello? Buddy? You just called fifteen seconds ago--- Are you there? ----Oxygen and water. The life force. This is so familiar. So is your voice. Do I know you from somewhere?

(BEEP)
TR: Hi. Julie. It's Buddy. I'm sorry I didn't pick up the phone. I was---- sort of rattled. Anyway, I'm here now. If you call me, I'll answer. I promise. So ---- call. Or pick up. Okay? Julie?

(PICK UP)

SS: Oh my God. Hello. I can't believe this. I am so thrilled. Wayne Walters. I don't know what to say.

TR: I saw you standing in back of the auditorium and I asked this guy for your phone number.

SS: Oh my gosh----! This is so exciting!

TR: Believe me, it's not what you think. I'm not trying to pick you up. Trust me. I'm not on that spiritual level anymore. I used to be but I moved on. I found something else.

SS: Well---- that's fine. Whatever. You know?

TR: You sound like such a fox.

SS: Thank you.

TR: I could get back to that level.

SS: I could take you there. How about tonight?

TR: No, I can't. Julie, I have to be strong. For the people who believe in me. I can't throw it aside for a --- for a----

SS: For a what?

TR: No. I can't. I believe in the Will as the engine of the journey. I believe in the Life Force. I believe in the Three Harmonies and the Equilibrium of Mind and Spirit and I believe in Sacrifice as the source of spiritual energy.

SS: Wayne, my name isn't Julie. I wasn't the girl in the silk blouse standing in back.

TR: No? I thought you said----

SS: I know I said that, I said it because she's so gorgeous and I know you had the hots for her.

TR: That's not true.

SS: Yes, it is, Wayne. You were backstage drooling over her.

TR: Not true!

SS: You came backstage right in the middle of talking about the Equilibrium of the Mind and Spirit and you said, "There's some major babetude going on out here, we're talking 10s, get me the number of that honey with the silk blouse and the you know what."

TR: Who is this?

SS: I know you, Wayne. I know you.

TR: How could you get backstage? Backstage is secured.

SS: I'm not the babe in the silk blouse, Wayne. I'm your backstage security.

TR: No!

SS: Yes.

TR: Brenda???

SS: Brenda.

TR: I don't believe it.

SS: You never heard me talk before, Wayne. You just saw me sitting there stuffing myself with cheese sandwiches.

TR: Brenda, this is a misunderstanding.

SS: It's the opposite of a misunderstanding, Wayne. I know you. I know how much you like Fritos and Cheese Whiz. Wayne, I was there, I saw. Who do you think mixed those vodka martinis?

TR: I've got to go now.

SS: I love you, Wayne.

TR: I've got to go.

SS: I'll be there tonight, baby.

TR: No, don't----

SS: Me. Big Brenda. I'll be there, Peanut.

TR: I'm going to cancel----

SS: Thousands of people are counting on you, Peanut. Don't let em down. I'll be there. I'll make sure you get all the cashews you want, I'll help you into your white robe, I'll put your slippers on, Wayne, and afterward, when they bring the receipts backstage in the big canvas bag?

TR: Yes?

SS: I'm going to accompany you to your limo, like I always do, but this time, I'm going to get into the limo with you. You and me are partners, Peanut.

TR: We are?

SS: You need me, Wayne. Have you ever been with a BBW before? A big-butt woman?

TR: No, I haven't.

SS: I am going teach you something about the Life Force that you never even thought possible. Peanut, you and Brenda are going on a Journey of Discovery you never dared dream about.

(BIG HONKING BAND PLAYOFF)