American Duct Tape Council
Saturday, April 22, 2000
Listen


(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)


.....after a word from the American Duct Tape Council (DUCKS) and here's devastatingly beautiful supermodel Cynthia Maxwell.

SS: Fashion is, like, constantly changing, and one day it's the androgynous look and then it's the really slutty look and everybody's wearing python pants and then it's the homeless look and everyone's pushing grocery carts full of tin cans and then suddenly everybody's wearing embroidered skirts like we're in 4-H or something, but no matter what, a woman MUST stay devastatingly beautiful at all times and maintain the fragile waiflike innocence of a twelve-year-old child and, like, you know when something goes wrong because everyone is staring at it, it's like a flashing neon sign on your face---- what are you looking at me like that for?

TK: Nothin.

SS: You're lookin at my left eyebrow, admit it!

TK: Just struck by your beauty.

SS: You're staring at this one hair follicle that got infected and you're thinking, is that a big pimple or what? aren't you---

TK: Didn't even cross my mind.

SS: There's redness, isn't there.

TK: Looks fine to me.

SS: I moisturized --- I used a cleanser ---

TK: No problem.

SS: I called my facial man, Mr. Chuck, but he is not picking up, not responding to his pager----

TK: How about you just put some flesh tone on it?

SS: You ARE staring at it! I could kill you! So I will. (TWO GUNSHOTS, TK GROANS) Serves you right. You want to know what drop dead beautiful means, that's what it means. ----Only one thing to do when you develop a beauty flaw ---- take a couple strips of duct tape and, like, stabilize the area and you get an ice pack and you lie down in a dark room for, like, about sixteen hours, and when you get up again (RIPS OFF TAPES) ----- fantastic. I'm perfect again. Thanks, duct tape.

GK: Thank you, Cynthia Maxwell. Duct tape....it's almost just about the only thing you need sometimes, duct tape. (DUCKS) A message from the American Duct Tape Council.

 

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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