How to Write a Letter to Your Mother in Just Seven Days
Saturday, June 3, 2000
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, MJ: Maria Jette)

TR: HOW TO WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER IN JUST SEVEN DAYS

Day one. Start your brown rice and broccoli diet, with a small green apple for dessert. (CRUNCH)

Day two. Clean your apartment (JUNK SFX) Stay on your diet (CRUNCH).

Day three. Continue cleaning your apartment (JUNK SFX) and dieting (CRUNCH) and call up your stupid boyfriend and tell him you don't ever want to see him again ever. (SS: And come over here and pick up your stupid CDs! SLAM PHONE)

Day four. Look at the Help Wanted ads (SS: Hmmmmmmm. PAGE TURN) continue cleaning your apartment (RUBBING WITH ABRASIVE, SS EFFORT) and stick to your diet (CRUNCH) and don't pick up when the stupid boyfriend leaves messages (TK ON PHONE: Cynthia? Cynthia, are you there? Honey?).

Day five. Get a haircut (SS: Short but not too short. And I'd like it dyed dark brown, to cover up the neon green.) and respond to a Help Wanted ad (SS: My name is Cynthia and I'm very interested in your sales associate opening.) and continue cleaning the apartment (GLASS DISCARDED IN GARBAGE, BOTTLES BREAKING) and ignore the stupid boyfriend (KNOCKING. TK MUFFLED: Cynthia, I know you're in there.) and maintain your apple intake. (CRUNCH)

Day six. Go visit Grandpa at the Good Shepherd Home (TR GEEZER: Oh. Hi there. SS: How do you like my hair, Grandpa?) and report for an interview for the sales associate job (SS: I've had some college. Almost a month, actually.) and make sure your apartment is really clean (RUBBING ON GLASS SURFACE, SQUEAKING) and ignore the stupid boyfriend when he stops you on the street (TK: Cynthia? FACE SLAP. TK: Cynthia---) and don't forget that apple. (CRUNCH) Day seven. Go to church in the morning (MJ: Sanctus, sanctus) and call up Grandpa (SS: Hi Grandpa!) and write a letter to your mother.

SS: Dear Mother, Sorry I didn't write sooner. Busy week. Cleaned the apartment (sorry it was a mess when you were here) and looked for a job (think I found one). Only had time to visit Grandpa once but he seems fine. By the way, Tom and I split up. It's hard but for the best, I know. Got my hair done (picture enclosed). And did I tell you, I've lost three pounds? Love, your daughter. (CRUNCH)

 

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor

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