 |
Covodol
Saturday, December 2, 2000
Listen
(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
...after a word from Covodol.
SS: I don't know what's wrong. I just have this feeling of uneasiness.
TR (DOCTOR): If you suffer from that vague feeling that maybe everything is not quite right…..here's great news from Quo Vadis Pharmaceuticals: it's the most effective anti-uneasiness drug in decades: COVOTOL.
SS: Four days on Covotol and I feel completely self-assured again.
TR: (RUSHED MONOTONE) Not available to persons under 18- side effects may include angina, bursitis, colitis, diarrhea, fatigue, fainting, facial tics, fibrillations, gastritis, lethargy, pinkeye, shingles, whooping cough, sudden baldness, and loss of balance.
GK: Ask your doctor if COVOTOL is right for you. (CHORDS)
SS: I feel completely self-assured but I'm feeling kind of down.
TR (DOCTOR): Feeling owly lately? Grumpy? Got the heebie-jeebies or the jim-jams? Quo Vadis Pharmaceuticals is pleased to present ARIVIDIR: it's the best drug to combat moodiness in a coon's age.
SS: Now that I'm on Arividir, I sit around chuckling to myself practically all the time! Thanks, Arividir!
TR: (RAPIDLY) Not available in Florida or Utah-- do not use with alcohol-- side effects may include convulsions, canker sores, collapsed lungs, paralysis, brain hemorrhage, swollen ankles, hearing loss, and cardiac arrest.
GK: Arividir……ask your doctor. (CHORDS)
SS: I'm very self-assured and feel warm and chuckly, but suddenly I've become a wild hypochondriac.
TR: (DOCTOR) Millions of Americans suffer from episodes of hypochondria that leave them pale and perspiring, paralyzed with fear that a mild headache may be symptomatic of an oncoming brain tumor. Quo Vadis Pharmaceuticals has good news for hypochondriacs: it's NOPROBITOL, a gentle non-addictive drug that puts health worries behind you once and for all.
SS: Thanks to Noprobitol, my hypochondria is in remission. I'm completely hypochondria-free.
TR: (EVEN MORE QUICKLY, WITHOUT PAUSE) Not available to the unemployed. Side effects may include sudden growth of body hair, skin lesions, loss of motor skills, enlargement of the ears, swollen eyeballs, kidney stones, and boils.
GK: Ask your doctor for a prescription for NOPROBITOL. (CHORDS)
SS: I feel really really really good, and I guess the only thing I don't feel good about is all the drugs I'm taking.
TR (ASSURED): Worried about your intake of prescription drugs? Let us recommend PUKIDIN. Absolutely safe when used as directed.
GK: Ask your doctor about PUKIDIN. What do you have to lose?
TR: From Quo Vadis Pharmaceuticals. Wherever chemistry is leading, Quo Vadis is getting there first. (MUSIC BUTTON)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor
|
|
|
|
|
|
