APHC: Saturday, December 9, 2000

American Duct Tape Council
Saturday, December 9, 2000
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)

…after a word from the American Duct Tape Council. (QUACKS)

GK: All of you are duct tape people, I can see from your coats, and you know that, in the end all solutions are short-term solutions. And when you see how much a long-term solution can cost, it makes sense to slap on some duct tape. But did you know that oftentimes duct tape actually works better than making expensive repairs? For example, here's a brand-new $90,000 Lamborghini (HORN HONK) that's just come from the shop where they welded in roll-bars (WELDER) and all sorts of structural supports and here's an older-model Lamborghini (HORN HONK) that's been repaired over the years with duct tape (QUACKS), and now we're going to have this large male elephant (ELEPHANT) jump onto the trampoline (BIG BOING) and onto the new Lamborghini (BIG CRUNCH, ELEPHANT ROAR) and look at the damage (TR HYSTERICAL ITALIAN) it caused, and now another male elephant (ELEPHANT) is going to jump onto the trampoline (BIG BOING) and onto the old Lamborghini (SOLID METALLIC THUNK) and see how well it stands up even under a ten-ton elephant.

TK (SOUTHERN, WITH TOBACCO): Looks like my little old Lamborghini did right well. Thanks to duct tape. (HE SPITS, DISTANT DING)----

GK: Why does duct tape outperform other costlier methods of repair? Because duct tape has give. Elasticity. So important. The oak tree is blown over in the storm, the willow is undamaged, thanks to give. Let's see if it works with this violin. Here's a six-million-dollar Stradivarius that's been kept in fine repair by expert technicians and (ELEPHANT) let's see what happens when this ten-ton male elephant puts his foot down. (WOOD CRUNCH) Just as I thought. And here's a $75 Sears Roebuck violin that the owner has patched up with duct tape. (ELEPHANT) Go ahead, Dumbo, put your weight on it. (STRAIN) The instrument gives but it doesn't break. Let's see how well it plays. (VIOLIN VIRTUOSO PASSAGE) Duct tape saves the day. No wonder duct tape is so widely used ---- in car repair (CAR STARTING), in home plumbing repair (TOILET FLUSH), in heart surgery (HEARTBEAT), and by our men in uniform (CHOPPER)...and also by devastatingly beautiful women.

SS: I'm supermodel Cynthia Maxwell, and today I'm wearing a tiny two-piece duct tape bikini. See how well it holds up to stress as I walk across the stage. (DRUMBEAT)

GK: Yes, duct tape, the first choice of models and also of musicians. Let's see how this brand-new collector's edition Martin guitar stands up to a direct hit by a mortar (MORTAR, EXPLOSION)...it's nothing but rubble (TRASH) I'm afraid...and now here's a cheap beginner's guitar that's been carefully wrapped in duct tape...and we're going to bring in rocket fire (ROCKETS), galloping horses (HOOVES, WHINNY), a car runs directly over it (RACING CAR SCREECHES AROUND CORNER), dive bombers come in for their turn (DIVE BOMBER), a meteorite falls from outer space (METEORITE FLIGHT AND HITS, LOW EXPLOSION), and we throw the guitar into heavy surf (SURF, GULLS) and let it be washed onto the rocks (CRASHING SURF) and now we'll send Pat Donohue out to get it (FOOTSTEPS IN WET SAND) and he's picking up the guitar and ----- (GUITAR FAST FINGERPICK) there you have it. Duct Tape. It really works. A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (QUACKS) (GUITAR FINGERPICK BUTTON)