APHC: Saturday, January 6, 2001

'Twas Christmas Day in the Poorhouse
Saturday, January 6, 2001
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(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, CK: Charles Keating)

CK: 'Twas Christmas Day in the Poorhouse
And the cold bare walls of blue
Were bright with sprigs of holly
Sent by the well-to-do
Who also donated a turkey,
Cranberries and Parker House rolls
Which delighted the poor ragged wretches
Bent over their porcelain bowls.

In front stood a plastic snowman
And a small aluminum tree
The tape deck played Christmas carols
Recorded by Donnie and Marie.
And each of the paupers was given
A gift, at public expense:
A bar of soap for the ladies,
A bar of soap for the gents.

When a geezer looked up from his turkey
And said to the warden, "Kind sir,
Whatever became of Melissa?
I'm expecting a visit from her.
I haven't seen her since September
And I'm also waiting for Jim,
My son who's a big shot in Dallas,
I'm expecting a visit from him."

The Warden turned and with cruel
Irony sneered at the man,
"Your children are rich and successful
And they're busy ---- don't you understand?
They've dinners to go to and parties,
Openings! Benefit balls!
Why would they come out to see you
In a poorhouse in downtown St. Paul?

You're old and sick and depressing
And your conversation's a bore.
You're frankly not all that attractive,
A common fate of the poor.
You should have thought of this sooner
Back in your prime earning years
And hoarded your dough but instead
You went in hock up to your ears.

When we're ancient and stiff and crabby,
Our relatives quickly forget us,
So listen to me, young people,
And work hard and save up your lettuce.
Get your books at the Salvation Army
Buy all your clothing at Sears
Take buses wherever you're going
Live with your parents for years

Don't marry and do not have children,
Drink the $3 rose',
Collect all the pats of butter
They bring you at the café.
Invest in blue-chips and municipals
And avoid technology stocks
And never put money in the basket,
The collection plate or the poorbox.

And when you are old and senile
And you think that your niece is your aunt,
My friends, you'll be rolling in money,
You'll have all the money you want.