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Sheep Dog Confirmation
Saturday, February 3, 2001
Listen
(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
GK: And now a little story entitled---- The Confirmation Hearing.
(SHEEP BAAING. GAVEL SOUNDS)
TK (SHEEP): I call this hearing baa-aa-aa-aa-ack to order! We'll resume our confirmation hearing for Head Sheep Dog with questions from Senator Merino.
SS (SHEEP): Thaa-aa-aa-aa-ank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Wolf…
TR (WOLF): Yes, Senator?
SS: You have been nominated by the President for the post of Head Sheep Dog.
TR: Yes. A great honor for any wolf.
SS: Sir, in the June, 1996 issue of Southern Predator magazine, you are quoted as saying: "There is nothing I love more than running down a sheep and sinking my fangs into its raw bleeding flesh." In the fall of 1998, speaking at Bo Peep University, you said, and I quote: "I think that the innocence of lambs is a metaphor that has outlived its usefulness." Mr. Wolf, how do you reconcile these radical views with the duties of protecting and defending this flock?
TR: Well, Senator, you have to understand the context. I said that as a part of a wolf pack. But I assure you - my previous advocacy of predatory behavior will have no bearing whatsoever on my obligations as sheep dog.
SS: But you personally attacked and eviscerated 27 sheep last year alone.
TR: Again, that was in my role as wolf. But if I am confirmed by the Senate as Head Sheep Dog, I would put aside my primal instincts and perform my duties.
SS: I notice you are dressed in sheep's clothing.
TR: It's a 100% wool suit, yes.
SS: You're sure you're not trying to lure unsuspecting sheep and then pounce on them?
TR: I resent this attack on my character and your attempt to impugn my motives.
SS: Mr. Wolf, how can we be sure that you're sincere and that your days of preying on sheep are over?
TR: I promise you this, Senator, if you confirm me as Head Sheep Dog, you will never need another.
SS: All in favor. (MANY BAAS) All opposed. (LONE BAA) Rams and Ewes, our new Sheep Dog. (TR HOWL)
(c) 2001 by Philip LaZebnik
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On July 4th, help us celebrate the 35th Anniversary of A Prairie Home Companion and the Fourth of July with a free live nationally broadcast show from Avon, MN.
From Garrison Keillor:
“When I was 16, Helen Fleischman assigned me to memorize Shakespeare’s Sonnet No. 29, ‘When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state’ for English class, and fifty years later, that poem is still in my head. Algebra got washed away, and geometry and most of biology, but those lines about the redemptive power of love in the face of shame are still here behind my eyeballs, more permanent than my own teeth. The sonnet is a durable good. These 77 of mine include sonnets of praise, some erotic, some lamentations, some street sonnets and a 12-sonnet cycle of months. If anything here offends, I beg your pardon, I come in peace, I depart in gratitude.”
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Robin & Linda Williams are among the most popular guest performers of A Prairie Home Companion (they also appeared in the movie, have performed as part of the The Hopeful Gospel Quartet, and made appearances as Marvin & Mavis Smiley). This CD features some of the duo's best harmonies from the show. Among the 12 tracks are familiar fan favorites, including "For Better or Worse", "Visions of Mother and Dad", "Tied Down, Home Free" and the title track. A collection that is muy bueno!
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