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Sheep Dog Confirmation
Saturday, February 3, 2001
Listen
(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
GK: And now a little story entitled---- The Confirmation Hearing.
(SHEEP BAAING. GAVEL SOUNDS)
TK (SHEEP): I call this hearing baa-aa-aa-aa-ack to order! We'll resume our confirmation hearing for Head Sheep Dog with questions from Senator Merino.
SS (SHEEP): Thaa-aa-aa-aa-ank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Wolf…
TR (WOLF): Yes, Senator?
SS: You have been nominated by the President for the post of Head Sheep Dog.
TR: Yes. A great honor for any wolf.
SS: Sir, in the June, 1996 issue of Southern Predator magazine, you are quoted as saying: "There is nothing I love more than running down a sheep and sinking my fangs into its raw bleeding flesh." In the fall of 1998, speaking at Bo Peep University, you said, and I quote: "I think that the innocence of lambs is a metaphor that has outlived its usefulness." Mr. Wolf, how do you reconcile these radical views with the duties of protecting and defending this flock?
TR: Well, Senator, you have to understand the context. I said that as a part of a wolf pack. But I assure you - my previous advocacy of predatory behavior will have no bearing whatsoever on my obligations as sheep dog.
SS: But you personally attacked and eviscerated 27 sheep last year alone.
TR: Again, that was in my role as wolf. But if I am confirmed by the Senate as Head Sheep Dog, I would put aside my primal instincts and perform my duties.
SS: I notice you are dressed in sheep's clothing.
TR: It's a 100% wool suit, yes.
SS: You're sure you're not trying to lure unsuspecting sheep and then pounce on them?
TR: I resent this attack on my character and your attempt to impugn my motives.
SS: Mr. Wolf, how can we be sure that you're sincere and that your days of preying on sheep are over?
TR: I promise you this, Senator, if you confirm me as Head Sheep Dog, you will never need another.
SS: All in favor. (MANY BAAS) All opposed. (LONE BAA) Rams and Ewes, our new Sheep Dog. (TR HOWL)
(c) 2001 by Philip LaZebnik
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